Quarter-Life Crisis

Ouch.

2007-01-18T06:17:00.000-06:00

As tough as it was to make the decision to go home, after living in Seattle only five and a half months, I felt better afterwards, having made it. I felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, as far as my depression went. I have no ill feelings towards my roommates, but I was ready to throw off the shackles of this cloudy city and the cloudy times I've had here, and, remembering the good things about Seattle, move back home and live out my life as happily as possible (if under the influence of psychological medication).

Then I went and read my old T-Dub email account, which includes a bunch of emails from the weeks prior to leaving Texas to come here. In one memorable one, my lovely male roomie says "I am so glad I'll have you up there with me." This about broke my heart.

Not because I am reconsidering. Not because I don't want to go. I guess Its because....

you have those times in your life when you look forward to things like moving in with roommates. In a new place where you will all be virgins to whatever you see and experience. And it feels like it will be playing house. Like, "Wow, we are grownups! Lets stay out all night, and eat ice cream, and drink beer for breakfast!" And it makes you glad to be grown up. You've suffered through high school, and growing up, and its time to cash in on all the things you wanted to do when you became an adult!

And then it hits you with full force that being an adult isnt what you had hoped. Its not the party we thought it would be when comparing it to trying to find places to park the car while making out so the cops dont bug you. Its not the easy thing you were dreaming of when your parents laid down the law and you thought you JUST....COULDNT...TAKE IT. Being an adult is the biggest letdown I think I've ever experienced. Its's like watching Gone With The Wind for four hours, then seeing Scarlett O'Hara just give up after a paltry happenstance.

I dont mean to sound so negative about it. I don't regret growing to be this age, or think that I have nothing to look forward to, or to treasure right NOW. I think my outcry here is merely a personal one.

I am making the choice I must, and want to. I think things will be better back home. I think I can work on being ok.

But this wasnt the way I had planned it. By a long shot. I guess I'm not grown up yet, because I always felt like adults would learn to deal with that kinda thing.

A random, pointless trip through my mind

2007-01-18T05:35:00.000-06:00

Why is it the minute I say "I shall move" does my room become a disaster area? Is it a bizarre form of nesting?

Why can't I sleep properly?

Should I cut my hair?

Should I get new glasses?

Has anyone else realized how comfortable a bathing suit can be worn instead of underwear when laundry runs low? Its...warm! And my boys feel well-protected.

Since I've just turned twenty-five, I can officially call any crisis I go through this year a "Quarter-Life" crisis. Instead, Ive begun to think of my twenties as "My Crisis Decade".

(I was going to use the word "crises" in a plural fashion above, but was afraid people unfamiliar with the pronunciation would just think I spelled it wrong. Does this make me paranoid?)

In my eyes, the worst thing to hear out of anyone's mouth, at any time, is "Listen to this free verse poetry I've just written." The only thing to exacerbate the pure hell of this statement is the use of the term "freestyle".

What is the proper response when a parent says "I saw your mypace page today"? (Answer: If its my Dad, "Ok." If its my Mom, "I dont HAVE a myspace page.")

Over Christmas, I had a couple of drinks with my Dad and his partner (my stepmom, of sorts). The interesting part of this was I felt like Dad and I were drinking on the same level, the level that says "Booze makes any party worth having."

As much as I am enjoying distancing myself from the horrible dark depression that overtook me before Christmas, and everything that went with it, I still feel in the mood to get really drunk soon. (I say that, knowing that my depression is not over, or anything, but moreso that some of the symptoms of it, like trying to be drunk all of the time, are over.)

For a couple of days this year, just a couple, so far, I had the glorious feeling of having nothing on my bed but me and blankets. Tonight, various objects (my iPod cord, my tv remote, a tootsie pop) have somehow moved back into their places on the left side, limiting my right to spreading out fully. Perhaps I was meant to sleep as if I were sleeping next to someone.

If you haven't heard The Cousins (you haven't), check out their myspace page (www.myspace.com/cousinsthe). Listen to "Behind the Glass". Marvel that this is the guy from Rocketman and the keyboardist from my favorite band.

My Weekly Schedule

2006-07-24T13:40:00.000-05:00

Monday-Wednesday:

6:00, 6:15, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00: Wake up, hit snooze, contemplate suicide, fall back asleep.
7:15 or so: Wake up, take shower.
8:00: Arrive at work, check email. Delete thousands of Monster.com emails offering jobs in DFW. Brew pot of coffee, which will most likely be exclusively drunk by me.
8:15: Check myspace. Respond, read blogs.
8:30-9:15: Work.
9:30: Go downstairs to smoke. Discuss new occupational annoyances with Smoking Buddy Beth.
9:45-12: Work.
Noon: Lunch. Smoke, dont eat. Much healthier.
1-5: Phone it in. Feel swell of nervous happiness at the fact that I am moving to Seattle soon.
5:30-11:00: Hang out with roomies, watch tv, miss Victoria terribly. If she should happen to call, light up like Christmas tree of some sort.
11:15: Wish I was in a show, so that I could drink all the time with good reason. Fall asleep remembering that I should have called a bunch of people back.

Thursday-Friday:

8-5: Work. Phone it in as much as possible, but with the week ending, work comes easier. Be happy and excited about weekend. If possible, work an orientation to get out of the office. Drink insane amounts of coffee.
5-11: Thank God its the end of the week. Hang out with roomies. Be excited about coming weekend plans with Victoria.
11:15: Fall asleep to soothing sounds of own thoughts.

Saturday:

11-noon or so: Wake up. Shower. Think about possible plans for the day that most likely wont be done.
Noon-Indeterminate: Watch tv, play video games, generally relax.
Indeterminate-Indeterminate: Go hang out with Victoria. Feel happier than ever. Be barked at by 1 or 2 dogs. Occasionally get kisses from big dog in strange and uncomfortable places.
Late: Realize I took wrong turn on way home, and am now in Nebraska. Get home, fall asleep.

Sunday:

1-2: Wake up. Maybe shower, maybe not. Feel sad about moving Seattle. Reevaluate life.
2-3: Wonder when I grew up. Feel disappointed.
3:15: Wonder if I should quit smoking.
3:20: Smoke.
3:30-11: Emotions even out. Happy that I have the day off to recuperate. Watch tv. Watch roommates packing. Realize I have about 5% of the stuff I had last year, so packing enough to get a box going would involve taking off whatever I was wearing. Watch Venture Brothers. Feel happy to be alive with such great friends.
11:15: Have sudden spurt of fear at the fact that I have what amounts to about three outfits. Plan clothes for Monday in my head, and read/play video games til I fall asleep.

Intermittently throughout the week:

*Hang out with friends apart from the roomies and Victoria.
*Phone parents in an effort to try to make an effort at our relationship. Feel guilt.
*Have a beer or two. Wish I could afford more. Worry that I may be get kicked out of the Irish because I dont drink as much as I normally want to.
*Ramble longwindedly in blog. Write very emotional things that matter little to anyone.
*Try to play new song on guitar, only to give up and play same shit.

The Tao of Moving Away

2006-07-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

So, since Ive made a couple of "world" posts, Im going to tell you about me for a bit.

Nowadays, whether you can tell it or not, I go back and forth between two extremes.

One day, I feel such strong, forceful love. For my roommates, for my friends, for my girl, for my family. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by people that care, that take care of me, but dont let me get away with too much bullshit. I love my people for themselves, and for how they treat me. They make me feel like I am about to embark on a journey. An adventure. And I will make them proud.

The next day, I will be filled with a terror that creeps around the back of my mind like a tiger in the back of a circus cage. Every now and then, itll sneak forward, whispering "You're going to have to come back in a month". "Youll fail, and have nowhere to go". "They will forget why they thought you could do this."

On the days I get the love back, it seems to salve every heartache. But the way the fear creeps around.....it doesnt work well in reverse.

I am ok. I am firmly into believing at this point that this is what happens when you make a dramatic change to your life. Not a new job, or a new house. A whole new life.

The whole world feels like its drawing close around me, in a way. My circle of.....awareness is, anyway. I have talked to my Mom less and less lately. And a few of my friends. I really only talk to about three people as much as possible, lately. Its not because I will miss them anymore than you. Its because....I think Im scared to see everyone before I go. I think, deep down, I dont want to miss anybody. I want to make it as unnatural a change as possible, to make it so much easier to make a new life. I want to make a clean break, of sorts.

But of course thats impossible. You cant grow up someplace, literally and figuratively, and not be forever marked by it. You cant live the first quarter of your life making friends that will just disappear at the 25 mark. And trust me, no one I love will disappear, to me. I still think of you guys now, and all the good times we had. I guess all I ask is that you give me some time. When I leave, trust me, I will not be gone forever. No matter what happens, Texas is my birthplace, and I mean that in every figurative way I possibly can.

But here I am, saying goodbye already. Ive still got almost a month. Thats the hardest thing, I think. Its not a sudden goodby that we can all get over as quick as possible. Everytime I see one of you, I wonder how many times we have left. Before the big ol move. But I guess thats how I shouldve been looking at things all along. You never know when someone just wont be around anymore. In that way, I guess Im lucky. But Im lucky in lots of ways. Did I tell you I had a great girl, wonderful friends, and a tremendously happy life?

I do indeed.

Another Woeful Outcry

2006-07-18T12:52:00.000-05:00

I wont lie and deny that one of my biggest dreams is being financially comfortable. If given the choice, I would be rich enough to be able to send all my kids to college, to have a nice house, to be able to get a new car every once in awhile. But one of the bigger wishes that people sometimes overlook is being successful enough, important enough, and knowledgeable enough to make a difference.

A friend and I were complaining to each other today that our respective offices were sometimes run shabbily. Its not necessarily anyone's fault; it's more like we have ideas that could make the place run smoother, more efficiently, just overall better.

For instance, I got a request today to resend a couple of applications to the library sciences department that I sent over 6 months ago. Now, I dont mind doing it, and it doesnt take a whole lot of time out of my already not-busy work schedule. All I do is go into the imaging system, print out what I did, and send it on through intercampus mail. But, if the department learned how to use the imaging system that everyone has access to, but only we (student records) use, they could just print out these graduate applications packets. What COULD take 5 minutes instead takes two days.

Now, the people I work with are not stupid people. (Well, not all of them.) They probably have realized that these little problems, and a few ginormous ones, could be solved with a little bit of planning, and perhaps some policy changes. But they have been convinced that this is how things are, for better or worse.

It seems often that a lot of the wrong things are paid attention to, here. The head of my department, for one, chooses to try and make things better by instituting more and more rules to try and make us more professional. I guess her opinion is that if we are professional, things will just fall into place. (One of this person's major points at a recent department-wide meeting was dress code. I understand the point, but dont we have bigger problems? If you've read my blog before, you probably know my argument AGAINST being more and more professional, anyways.)

Now, just to drive in the point, here are a few problems that my office has, from my eyes.

*Lack of attendance- Today, for instance, two people are out, one person left at noon, and one person got here at 10:30. This is very normal.
*Lack of responsibility- I had a complaint today, that a bunch of files were ready to be worked, but COULDNT be worked, because important parts of the file were not scanned. I had persnally been waiting with these files in my inbox for about a month. When my boss went down to the scanning supervisor to let her know the problem, the supervisor maintained that she thought they HAD been scanned, and that something was wrong with the system. My only problem with this is that I know the lady in charge of scanning has been here about 18% of the time lately, and her supervisor is notorious for blaming everything but her own people for mistakes. "If you couldnt find the file in the system, instead of complaining about how we scanned it, why didnt you come down here and do it yourself?" I hate to sound petty, but its not my job to be Inspector Fuckin Clouseau and spend the majority of my day trying to get someone else's job done.
*Lack of Campus-wide education- There is a HUGE occurrence here of every department getting transferred calls that don't apply to whatever they do. WE get calls for Academic Advising, Academic Advising gets calls for the Registrar, the Registrar gets calls for Housing. What's everyone's answer to this? "Yeah, I hate that."

You know what, that's my major complaint about the entire thing. Why is it that when everyone sees a problem, they kind of grin and bear it? These things can be solved! Its very simple to say "Hey, you know how you did this, you should do this instead, and it would save everyone time and frustration." Everytime something gets done wrong, it seems like we want to assign blame quickly, and get it off of our respective desks, rather than try to avoid it again. And you know who suffers? The students. Us. Everyone involved.

Now, I really absolutely am not absolving myself from any of these thigns. As Ive said before, Im not a quality worker. A lot of my excuse is that Im just doing what seems to be protocol, but its working harder than that that makes a person great.

This has turned into a big TWU complaint, but I think my original point is still here. Can you imagine going into work at someplace where the everyday peon can make a suggestion that is listened to wholeheartedly? Where, even though a policy is set, someone can feel comfortable suggesting a new one?

Author's Note: I find, more and more, that my writing is sort of idealist. We deserve to wish for the best, though, dont we? I think so. I havent yet given up on shouting at the world: "Shake things up! We can make this place great!"

A Letter To A Love

2006-07-05T15:25:00.002-05:00

Dear Joan Cusack,

I regret to inform you that you have been replaced as one of my top five people I will marry one day. Its an amicable split, and I wish you well in all your future endeavours.
You should definitely be proud; the list of the people I graduated high school planning to marry is a pretty short one. Jeaneane Garafaolo is still holding her spot, even though the last couple times Ive seen her, she has been playing a drug addict of some sort, and not looking as nice as she usually does. Debbie Gibson still holds her spot as well. As long as she can sing "Lost In Your Eyes", I will love her. Pretty much the same for Tiffany ("If shes got no last name, by god I can give her mine.")

Understand, I dont want you to assume that this is because of any aging you may have done since I graduated. In my eyes, you always have been and always will be the cute, plucky but anxious girl in the neck brace from Sixteen Candles. (Not to say that I always envision you with a neck brace, but surely, after all these years, you can "pick up what Im laying down.")
The question is more one of availability. Ive waited and waited for some sort of sign, in my heart or in the world around me, that we were one step closer to married bliss. I feel that, with your marriage to another, and the motherhood that stems from it, we are instead drifting apart. Plus, I havent seen you in anything since, like, School of Rock. Are you out there? Thinking of me? Probably not.

I cannot stress enough that there are no hard feelings. I still admire you as an actress and a general personality. I further would never want to queer the deal between my friend Victoria, and your equally talented brother John. That's a match made in heaven, and I would hate to think it may be weird at their wedding or the holidays thereafter. Would I want to spend Thanksgiving sitting across the turkey from someone who thought I disliked them? Certainly not.

So, to make a long letter short, I bid you farewell, and hope that you realize all you have meant to me.

Cheers!

PS: Please remit the ring I have given you, as Sarah Silverman will be wanting it posthaste, Im sure.

Update

2006-06-27T12:44:00.000-05:00

*WARNING! After a break of a week or so without coffee, Im a bit wired today. Some of what I say may not make any sense.

So, I have officially begun MY Seattle job search.

Compared to my roomies, I feel both fortunate and unfortunate. I feel fortunate that I have no post high school education to really speak of, and am a generalist, therefore I dont have to worry about putting together a FANTASTIC resume or applying for jobs that really suit me. I mean, I put together my resume, and I think its nice, and Im applying for jobs that I think I might really adapt to well, with some sort of future. I just know that basically any job I apply for or get will most likely be entry level positions.

I feel unfortunate, though, for those same reasons. It makes finding a job very touch and go. Im sure a lot of my readers may have realized- when you apply for entry level, thats when you really have to weed through the thousands of telemarketing jobs, the "We want energetic people who want to make money!" jobs, the jobs where you sell paintings out of the back of a van (mostly to me at gas stations. "Hey man, you like art?" says the guy who looks vaguely like Ralph Macchio.)

Anyhow, the search has begun, and I can only hope to be as successful as I was last time.

In other news.....

Work has been pretty boring lately. I have my little moments of "IM BUSY", but for the most part, it feels like a giant waste of time. Can anyone imagine not being dependant on the almighty paycheck? What if we could spend our last few weeks here spending time with friends, spending time with Texas, spending time soaking up the last we will get of everything for a while that isnt absolutely new?

I know what my dreams are. Having a family, a wife or partner or whatever who understands who I am and loves me, children who Im proud of, and being able to take care of them, if not above and beyond what my parents did, at least being able to make them feel comfortable. Pretty simple, really. But you know...being disgustingly rich.....thats something to sit right down and consider sometimes.

On a completely random note, Im looking through playlists here on Rhapsody. When will effing Blind Melon stop being listed!? THEY HAD ONE SONG, and Im telling you, straight from my heart, IT WAS OLD WHEN IT CAME OUT. GAH.

All that being said, how is everyone?

Just when you thought things were cooling down...

2006-06-01T10:36:00.000-05:00

Current mood: disappointed

Ya know, I thought that the absolute, blank-minded patriotism in this country was easing off. I felt there for a second that people were starting to come out of this shell of blindly supporting their country and government, supporting the war just because we were in it, and supporting the President because he was President during a national tragedy. (Im dumbing things down here a bit, so just go with me for a sec) I thought people might begin to THINK, maybe not up to the standard I really want, but up to a standard of some intelligent beings. Then I saw this today:

http://www.msnbc.com/modules/interactive.aspx?type=ss&launch=13011093,4999736&pg=10

This is a webpage MSNBC put up, where you can go and vote on the Most American Place in America.

I know Im being overly sensitive. I know its just a cute little thing to do, post Memorial Day, to feel good, to bring up feelings of a Norman Rockwell-type Americana. We can give ourselves a big-ol' pat on the back for being born in a place where we are fortunate enough to have ancestors who died for us. But the language, and a few other things disturb me about this.

The Most AMERICAN Place? Dudes, its all in America. The reason Im being anal about this is people have been, for far too long, fiercely defensive of their patriotism and their love for the country. Ive heard someone say, recently, "These Mexicans? They aint American. I was BORN here. I got more right to lay claim to American rights."

In a time when people are debating how American some people (races, cultures, sexual orientations) are, I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable debating how American some PLACES are. What if Dallas were up there, and we got a really low vote? Would people read this, and have an instant dislike for Dallas? Perhaps Texas?

If you said "Chris, ya moron, no one has those kinds of feelings right off the bat, from looking at a simple poll on MSNBC", then you obviously have no idea how stupid people are.

And you know another reason Im sensitive about this language and how this thing was put together? Because I have a feeling that the marketers and designers thought the same things I do. I think this was worded and designed in such a fashion to appeal to the blind faith that people have for this country nowadays. It feels very lowest common denominator to me.

Why do I feel this way? One of the places up for Most American Place is the French Quarter in New Orleans. Do you think it would be there if they hadnt just survived Hurricane Katrina? Before Katrina, when someone, with a dreamy look in their eye, said "Im going on the road to see me some America", was the first thing you thought of the FRENCH Quarter? Wasnt for me. What speaks America to you? French Quarter. World Trade Center. Oklahoma Federal Building?

Again, Im probably being overly sensitive. But you know what, that's my duty as an American. As a citizen, I have to (should, anyway) get up everyday and think about where my country is going, how my people are feeling and behaving, and the way we are being represented to the world, and to ourselves.

And, furthermore, I know this shit happens every damned day. People see a store run by a Pakistani, but feel more comfortable going in because of an American Flag sticker in the window. People still shell out the dough for those yellow ribbon stickers (which I also feel are kind of intimidating), and tell me you havent thought ONCE "I wonder if they got that just so they werent the only ones without one."

Now, Ive rambled on and on, here, but my point is this: I think, deep down, in a way no one is talking about much, some people are feeling like they aren't American enough. Or Patriotic enough. Or proud to be an American, each and every day. Its these people I feel for, and worry about. I dont know if you've noticed, but I tend to root for the underdog.

People who dont know if their opinions are heard, who dont feel represented, in government or other ways, who dont feel good enough. These are the people we have to worry about. Because, cynical or no, we cant just have life be about the strong. The weak (or the meek, if you prefer) are people, too. I hear some of them are even Americans.

Darkness Surrounds

2006-05-24T11:20:00.000-05:00

By the way, Ive pretty much started posting my blogs on Myspace. I only keep this one because I have 2 years of blogs on it.

So, I have been down lately. "Whats new?" you might ask, with a heavy sarcastic tone. God, I hate you. Whats new is that I normally dont get to the point where Im losing my faith. These are the things getting me down (in no particular order).

*I hate money.*I hate cars, and the fact that we need them here.*I hate feeling stupid. I hate making mistakes.*I hate not knowing whats going on in my love life. I was telling a friend earlier this week, its fine when I dont really care. When I dont care, I act all non-chalant, which for some reason seems attractive to some girls. When I really care, either about the relationship or about the person, I tend to lose all coolness, and become this blithering idiot about women, who knows nothing, and has no sensitivity towards what people might be thinking.

So yeah. As per usual, I have had a few happy moments mixed in here. Things are not all bad. But I was ranting to myself the other night:

How can my friends and I make it in this world when this world and the fate which resides in it seems stacked against us? How can we rise above, and become the people we want to be, if we....CANT? It seems to me that everyone who has made it to some level of success has been born into it somehow. All of my friends are the best people I can think of. Beautiful, caring, smart, funny people. And I see them shit on, day in, day out. I weep (figuratively) for my friend's luck sometimes. Even moreso than my own. If ANYONE deserves a break in life, its my friends. But no. We are fucked in every way, at least monthly.

I know this is sounding dark, and Im sorry, I dont have a happy ending here. Im feeling alright (dont worry about me and sharp objects or anything.) Consider this a plea to the world at large. Or a prayer to whatever gods there may be, if you prefer.

We deserve better. You and me and all of our friends. We are the people who were supposed to be the future. The smart, artistic ones in school. The heirs to the world. We are being fucked. Stop it.

What am I gonna Do!?

2006-05-03T12:46:00.000-05:00

What am I gonna do!?

Or, rather, what do I WANT to do?

Ive been thinking alot about what career I want to shoot for lately. A lot of the reason is Ive been absolutely hating work lately. I mean, its to the point where Im wearing all black and referring to myself as the Angel of Darkness. Not really, but I seriously I walk around pissed off all the time. It occurred to me the other day, that even though I realize this office is a particular environment, if Im not careful, Ill wake up in 20 years and discover Ive become the people I hate. Always sitting around, pissy, talking as if I really absolutely dont care what anyone else thinks. Im halfway there now.

Now, the plan has always been that I would go back to school and finish my english degree. Im good at english, if you will, and Im interested in how language can be used. But there is a lot of boring work that goes along with english. With anything, I suppose. And, not to insult my friends with english degrees (we are family), but majoring in english isnt exactly a career. Once I got my degree, what would I do with it? I honestly have no idea. My friend Sarah, who has a dual degree in History and Spanish, put it best:

"as someone with a liberal arts degree in history and spanish, i can tell you that i loved the research and writing, but without more school, the only career-esque thing i can do is speak spanish a lot. "

Also, the other day, I was thinking about how cool it would be to be an expert in something. "You need to know about 16th century pre-cambrian columns? Chris Duncan is the man for you!" I could get an english degree, and do rather well, if I applied myself, but I honestly dont think I would do better than your average student.

So, Ive been thinking about alternate paths for the first time in like, five years. Its so easy, when you arent actively doing anything, to decide "Thats what Im going to do, SOMEDAY."
At this point, what Im looking at and thinking about is a health studies degree. My career of choice would be a wellness counselor. Hmmm.

On a side note, I asked my friend Dr Rubin what she knew about being a sex therapist. Since she knows me so well, this was her response:

"Are you thinking of a therapist who works primary with couples and sexually-based issues? Or, the kind of thing that I see on tv about a sexual surrogate; that is; someone who actually has sex with people and calls it therapy?"

Nutcase goes all Angry Elf

2006-05-01T11:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, so, a couple of random rants.

One of our systems goes offline for an hour, and I have to call the Help Desk to find out anything about it. IT has a conference, and we receive literally ten emails about it. Because, honestly, why would anyone in the university want any sort of update on the system we all need to do ANY work?

I just read a story about Kate Moss's new boyfriend, some asshat in a band, and how pictures were found (and published) of him administering heroin to a passed out teenager in his home. Someone in the article is quoted as saying "He should be in jail." I agree. No really. Why isnt he in jail? Have we reached the point where if someone is any sort of celebrity, no one has any just cause for searching them or something when they see pics of them committing any number of laws? I know that SOME celebrities must not count, because Boy George, George Michael, and any myriad of people are constantly "Back in trouble". We can tie up reasonably unassuming people for YEARS, but we cant do ANYTHING about Steve O, or the aforementioned douche, or anyone who is obviously using and constantly talking about it? WHAT THE FUCK? Where is the line drawn where probable cause comes into effect?

Furthermore, whats with all these people getting shit for putting stuff of myspace and facebook, if I can be photographed in a NATIONAL newspaper doing all SORTS of illegal things?
That one went a little long. I made my point early and just kept going. Sorry.

Does anyone else have the utter and absolute boredom with storms that I do? I mean, Ive been through a tornado, couple a times, and I know they are scary. But I have utterly no desire to get into the closet or to even change up my daily routine until at least a window breaks. To be honest, it comes from this feeling that no storm will hit a house Im in. I wont be obstinate and sit there through a tornado, but Im vaguely sure nothing will happen in that vein. Perhaps Im fearless. Or stupid.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, SIT THE HELL DOWN AND LEARN SOME SPELLING, PUNCTUATION, AND GRAMMAR. I know we ALL cut little corners, and dont use correct English skills all the time. I do it just as much as anybody. But it absolutely upsets me when someone doesn't use ANY sort of proper language. If someone sends me a bulletin again with something like "U wILl Dye 2 nite ef U donte reposte thiiS" I will stab them in the jaw. Christ, it looks like a bad accent! Are we just writing things phonetically now? Or are we NOT abandoning a centuries old system of letters and sounds used to communicate with people? You know WHY the cavemen started putting together a SYSTEM of their words and phrases? SO WE COULD FUCKING UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. Look for me on myspace, Ill be the one stabbing jaws.

Why, when people in my office use the coffee maker, do they drop coffee grounds on the hot plate and just leave them? I honestly never thought I would be the clean one in any group.

Alright, I guess Im done for the hour. I hate to sound whiny, or like Im totally screaming at the world, but thats how I feel, as an young man in his early twenties. We have so much anger building up inside of us. Anger at the world, and anger at the world for not changing for us. Fuck.

By the way, incase some of you are startled by my language usage in my blogs, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkity fuck shit.

Cock, balls. VAGINA!

Sorry. Im really not angry at all of yall. But thanks for listening anyhow.

My Salute to the Hardcore

2006-04-26T13:31:00.000-05:00

I have been accused before of using the exclamation "HARDORE!" too often, but for me, it defines a quality that not too many other words can define: The almighty moxie. The chutzpah. The BALLS.

For instance: Michelle Rodriguez, of Lost and The Fast and the Furious, was picked up for DUI a few months ago. During sentencing, she had the choice between doing a couple months of Community Service, or five days in jail. She chose the jail time. HARDCORE!

For instance: Chef Mario Batali is getting some flack for putting duck testicles in his latest pasta dish. "They're delicious, they don't taste like anything you've had before. They're whole and they're white," Batali said. HARDCORE!

For instance: Snoop Dogg is writing his first novel, to be published in October. HARDCORE, Biatch!

For instance: A rapist who won lottery buys mansion only to have rich neighbours offer to kill him. "You are a dirty, vile rapist and residents of this estate don't want you here," reads his fan mail. "We have hired someone to harm you" HARDCORE! (this is of course aimed at the neighbors.)

For instance: In a popular MMORPG (look it up, kids), one player has grown a species of plant that grows twenty feet high if you pray to rain gods enough to water it. Hook: Its a pot plant. HARDCORE!

So here's to you, all you hardcore people. If I could think of a funny and apropo salute, Id give it to you.

Special Mention: To anyone who has told someone "Suck it", in a non-ironic fashion, you are my hero.

The Best Bulletin Board Ever

2006-04-18T13:19:00.000-05:00

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2018473

This is a thread. I will give you the first post here, and then the brilliance will be self explanatory. Reading along is like watching in real time. This was the most interesting thing to happen to me today. The title of this thread is:

Im stuck to my chair. Im so very scared. Please Help.

alright, without going into too much detail, here's the situation:

I am TFing (totalFarking) in my boxers, and sitting on a chair that has slightly spaced out planks. Suffice to say that part of me is now lodged, and any attempt to move just pinches the crap out of me.

Can't move, need advice, soonish.

Oh god it hurts

Shake Your Ass (A Misleading Title)

2006-04-14T10:40:00.000-05:00

I have recently read a book and seen a movie that have really made me think (which is never a rarity, but always a nice surprise). The book was The Ethical Assassin, by David Liss. The movie, V For Vendetta. Both are fantastic in their own way. One is a suspense/comedy, one is an action movie. Both have characters who strive to get things done, to overthrow ways of thinking that we are bogged down in. Both have the understanding that to get people moving, sometimes you have to punch them in the back.

I believe we are victims of ourselves sometimes. We tend not to go outside of our own little bubbles of understanding when it comes to certain things.

Take the treatment of animals, for instance. Do you realize that meat-bearing-animals are often so pumped full of drugs to keep them edible that they develop sores on their skin, they stand around in drugged dazes, and they are literally driven insane by the conditions they live in? (now, im not talking clinical definitions here, but think about it.) Why is this ok with us? Is it because they are bred for our consumption? Is it because we really think a God put them on this earth for our benefit? Im not disagreeing with that, but muse over the fact that its a whole lot easier to get upset about a drowning puppy than a cow with hoof and mouth disease. They are both animals, arent they? Is one worth less than the other?

Keeping in theme with the aforementioned works, take also the government. Now, although I seem very rebellious, I have a strong sense of right and wrong about certain things, and justice. I believe in the death penalty for some. I believe that sometimes war is the only viable option. I wish it were not the way it is, but thats what we got. (Im not mentioning Iraq here, but rest assured I dont think that was the only option.) So I dont think that overthrowing the government, and having complete anarchy is the way to go. I aint no Tyler Durden. But think about the level of apathy you have towards everything the government says. I know that personally, every time a statement is made by the government (in some form), I take it with a huge grain of salt. Its been bred into our idealogy that politicians are SUPPOSED to lie. Like 80% of the time. So everytime the president (ANY president, mind you) says "Dont worry! We got this under control!", part of you wants to believe him. Part of you thinks he's lying.

You end up getting stuck somewhere between the two, where its like you heard nothing at all. And, after awhile, its like there IS no one to tell you when to worry and when not to. There is so much bullshit flying around nowadays. Fear Terrorists, but by that we mean in no way to harm the Muslims. Love your country, or else! It feels like a giant sleight of hand we are being shown, and I don't know what to look for anymore to pay attention to.

Everything we know, everything we learn, is put through the cheese cloth of our own idealogies and philosophies until we don't know what we are hearing and what we choose to hear. These ways of thought are taught, but we also sit back and let them take over, so we aren't blameless. Sometimes, it seems like we are fed so much bullshit by other people that we don't know how to stop bullshitting ourselves.

And Im here to tell you, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.

I want to give you all an assignment. I'm not going to tell you to sign a petition, because I don't have one, and I'm not going to tell you to have a sit-in until we get a good society, because your legs would be mighty sleepy by that point. What I want you to do is this: Take a moment, or an hour, or a whole day, and THINK about everything that you hear on the news, or in the newspaper, or on TV. Try not to get bored with the stories about Iraq, or the weather, or the commercials for car insurance. Take a step outside yourself and look at how you think. You may be surprised at what you find.

Now, just in case some of you haven't really gotten the gist of this yet, I'll say the obvious: I dont want you to believe what I believe. I dont want you to read this as, "Yeah, that guys right! Lets kill politicians and cattle ranchers!" I want you to realize that you are sieving out what Im saying as you read this. I dont want you to change the way you think to make me a better blogger. I want you to change the way you think because that's what we HAVE to do, if we are going to grow as a society. We are at the pinnacle these days, of everything we can accomplish. Without some new frontier, without light-speed travel or cold fusion or war with aliens, the only place we can go is downhill from here. But, again, it doesn't have to be that way. If we can rethink our way of thinking, we can make this place great. We can be what we always wanted to be, people who gave and changed and really made the world a better place. I believe in us.

But we can't do anything if we sit back and let the world spin us around.

We have to move the world ourselves.

A Parade of Emotions In the Wake of A Pseudo-Breakup

2006-04-12T08:31:00.000-05:00

You know what the worst feeling in the world is?

Say you were dating this girl. A beautiful girl, a smart, funny girl, the kind you dream about, with none of the drama, with only good thigns to add to you. The kind of girl you think would absolutely compliment your life.

One night, she gets upset about something that happened during her day, and you try to comfort her, and bring out the old standby (that works for me every time), "Everything will be alright, baby. I promise." Its obvious that this does not make her feel better.

On a different night, you are in a bad mood. After thinking a bit about a certain conversation you've had, you feel terrible over the fact that you may have snapped at her. She didnt deserve that, you think. Goodness, she's probably seething right now. After feeling guilty all day, you call her, and say, "Listen, Im really sorry to have said those things. It was not your fault, and I feel terrible." And you find out she hadnt even thought about it.

After a while, you begin to notice a pattern. HERE is where the worst feeling in the world comes in: The realization that you have absolutely no effect on the person you are supposed to be in a relationship with. It feels like "Wow, this really doesnt mean anything to anyone but me. Man. I guess its obvious Im wasting my time."

I've just ended a short "dating" style relationship with the girl above. It feels like we have broken up, but we never got close enough to even be exclusive, officially.

I guess Im used to the relationships that really get going fast, but I really dont care for these "We arent labeling this, we are just dating" relationships. Who does? Is it really big somewhere in the northeast? Its EXHAUSTING. I spend all of this time wondering what is going on because there is not a closeness between us, and then I realize I shouldnt/cant be wondering about it, because its not even a real relationship to begin with.

Ugh. Well, on to bigger and brighter things. I got a part in Lone Star in the colony, thats exciting. Im starting to feel like a real actor. (Notice I didnt say a real GOOD actor.)

Dammit, man! Calm yourself! It's Friday!

2006-04-07T08:43:00.000-05:00

My Declining Sense of Fashion Apathy

2006-04-03T09:46:00.000-05:00

So, I have decided (after many people told me to) not to let my hair grow long. Perhaps it WAS a bad idea, but it was a cheap way I knew to kind of change my style a bit.

Does anybody else have that? Every so often, I like to really take a look at myself (re: how I dress, how I look, the accessories I wear, etc). I never change these in a way that anybody else might be able to see, but I do enjoy tinkering with myself in tiny ways. For instance, this past time I got a hair cut, I dyed it black for a show. It was a small change, but I felt like slightly different person.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like who I am, and Im vaguely happy with how I look at all times. I mean, ostensibly, it must be working to some degree, because I have friends, and am never ABSOLUTELY desperate for a date. But its nice to feel like a new person, a person with a shade more class than yourself, is it not?

There are cheap ways to change yourself, but sometimes, every once in a while, you kinda feel like you need a big change. (Or, at least, I do.) Sometimes this means a new tattoo, sometimes this means a new haircut (granted, not as permanent), sometimes even a new shirt or pair of pants will help. In the latter part of last year, I felt particularly classy when I began a special shaving regiment.

Hmm. So now, with my hair idea thwarted (granted, I wasnt looking forward to the "my hair looks stupid for a couple weeks" period), I wonder what I should try. Ah, for the days when I will be able to afford clothes again. What do yall think? What new thing should I do to myself that will give me a feeling of confidence and make me look sexy and smart to women of all ages?

PS: On that same note, for everyone who was wishing for me to do this a long time ago, I have given up hair gel for pomade. No more crunchy helmet hair. Still, though, dont touch it, unless we are concurrently making love.

Ah, sweet talkies

2006-03-27T10:09:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, exactly everything I want is a nice, long, random conversation. My buddy Kenneth, a few weeks ago, noticed that while he was throwing darts and laughing it up with his buddies, I was sitting at our table and talking with his fiance. He came over and said, "Ya know, Chris, you're a talker."

I hadn't really thought about it, but I suppose I am. I deeply enjoy short, pointless conversations, I somewhat enjoy long, meaningful conversations, and I get the upper-thigh sweats from long, get-to-know-you conversations. I really can't think of any better way to get to know how a person thinks, or acts, or feels.

I know this may seem rather obvious, but Im not just talking about WHAT someone says. A person's eye contact, facial expressions, and gesticulations are a window into their personality. Their ability to take a joke (especially one of my jokes) really lets you know what kind of friend they will be.

Plus: Do they laugh out loud at my jokes? Do they really understand when I am being serious, showing my true passion over a subject? Do they listen or wait to talk? When they DO talk, do they say things that are on the subject, or do they try to swing the conversation around to what THEY want to talk about?

I have a new friend, and we are slowly getting to know each other. he came to the show on Saturday, and we went out for a few drinks afterwards, until about 2 or so. She called me on her way home, and we talked for THREE HOURS STRAIGHT. Now, Im not always wild about sitting on the phone for a long time, but getting to know someone (especially someone so special and cool) is exciting, and cozy in a way.

Anyhow, the next day, a really good friend of mine asked if I had had a good time last night. I told her about the long phone conversation, to which she asked, "Were you disappointed? Wouldn't you rather have picked up a chick for a night of sex, or stayed drinking, or something?" I had to admit that I got exactly what I wanted and needed on Saturday night at 2:15-4am. And it made me extremely happy.

This may have been a boring post, of sorts, but I will most likely be pissed off again soon, and be able to rant.

Keep chillin.

Why don't the English....

2006-03-21T09:31:00.000-06:00

Okay, listen up for my rant, and soon, itll all be over.

Put you head right up against the screen so you can HEAR ME when I type this.

An exclamation point and a question mark are not used for emphasis!

They are used to show exclamatory bewilderment or questioning!

So help me, if I see another sentence like this: "I really enjoyed your party!?" I will fucking KILL SOMEONE.

If you MUST use numerous punctuation marks to show how AWFULLY excited you are, use three exclamation points. DAMMIT!!!
..............................................................................
..............................................................................
..............................................................................
Thank you, and enjoy your day.

Superman Ramblings

2006-03-15T15:34:00.000-06:00

Im sitting here at work and listening to an interview with the new Superman, Brandon Routh. (If you havent taken a look at the trailer or the pics, GO NOW. http://supermanreturns.warnerbros.com/) Listening to him talk about the movie, I am getting all excited for the millionth time. While talking about Christopher Reeve, Routh said it was very special to him what he might have thought, because "he was my Superman." Amen, brother. Because, you know, even though he's a fictional character, and in comics (where every artist and writer has a new vision of him), whenever I read a Superman comic, I see Christopher Reeve. He really captured the innocence and protectiveness that Superman means to me.

I have moved back and forth with my comics; sometimes I like gritty crime drama, sometimes a regular superhero story, sometimes horror stories about zombies and such. Superman has always been a constant for me.

A lot of people ask me about my tattoos, and what they mean to me. I have a Superman S on my right shoulder, and I put it there because, sophomoric though it may be, he is everything I want to be when I grow up. Not just a savior for the weak, but a beacon of value and conscience. TRUE value. He doesn't save someone because they are white, or straight, or christian, or rich. He saves everybody, because he knows we are all in this together, and we must never lose our capacity to pick up our fellow man when he falls.

I guess Im rambling again, but I will give you the text from the trailer (spoken by Superman's father, Jor El) that explains what it means to me.

Even though you've been raised as a human being you're not one of them. They can be a great people Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you... my only son.

I am so excited about this summer, and the return of my hero.

ProFloozies dot com

2006-03-14T08:15:00.000-06:00

So, I dont know how many of you have tried it, but I highly recommend www.Proflowers.com.

"Chris!" you may say, looking at your computer screen with a wide eyed expression. "Are you the new Larry King? Did you get an endorsement deal with a high level corporation?"

No, I would say, staring back at you through MY screen with contempt. I just think they are great. You can order flowers for anyone in the world, and usually have them there pretty much when you want them there. They even come in a state of pre-budding-ness, so they last much longer.

But today, I tell you about the hinky thing about using Proflowers.

THEY SEND YOU A JILLION EMAILS. I remember one time I purchased a dozen roses and a box of chocolates (I believe it was for my mother's birthday) and I am STILL getting emails advertising FRESH VIRGIN CHERRIES or CHOCOLATE COVERED SQUIRRELS or some shit. Also, Proflowers seems to have a SHITLOAD of sales "Just for [Me]". It makes me wonder who is REALLY running this company.

I mean, I was really, truly, and fully interested in "Hearing about other new offers and discounts from Proflowers.com". I checked that box with gusto, and when I clicked the SUBMIT button, I made as if to twirl a mustache that I dont, at this time, possess.

But geez!

Anyhow, I really do recommend them. You can buy lots of stuff, for the low low price of paying out the ass for shipping.

The music played in the Twilight Zone

2006-03-08T15:01:00.000-06:00

Just a quick note today, and none of the emotionally resonant stuff I HAVE been writing lately. Well, sometimes.

I have in my possession my fourth copy of the Stray Cats greatest hits. This is not their GREATEST HITS album, or anything, mind you, but you know, one of those cheap cds you can buy for $6 at Best Buy or Target, with the greatest songs that havent come out in the last 20 years by people 5 years younger than I have never heard of. (I have bought many of these, including George Jones, Georgia Sattelites, and Al Green.) I have bought 4 versions of these, with the same songs, but in different orders, and maybe replacing "Gene and Eddie" with "Look at That Cadillac" or something.

So anyways, this is the fourth one Ive bought because some subconscious part of me does not think I have to take care of a $6 cd. They will get scratched up, or fucked up in some way, or I will just plain lose them. Ive had this one for about 8 months, and its already the worse for wear.

Here's the weird part. EVERY SINGLE COPY of this cd I buy gets a scratch at the EXACT same point in THE EXACT SAME SONG.

Every time.

Aint going to school, starts too early for me
Well listen man I aint going to school, its starts much much too early for me
I dont care for readin writin 'rithmetic or history

Im gonna wa(skipskipskipskipskipskipskipskipskipskipskipskipskipskip)
And meet my little marie

We're through the looking glass here, people.

Best Hungover At Work Conversation Ever

2006-03-02T11:13:00.000-06:00

Me: "So, ma'am, have you got a degree?"
Lady: "Yes, it was actually concurred on February 15 from SUNY Empire State."
Me: "Concurred....you mean conFERRED?"
Lady: "No, Concurred. That's when all of the departments agree that you deserve a degree. You know, like, 'I concur.'"

This conversation also contains a ten minute period that began with
"Whats the school, maam?"
"Empire State College"
and ended with
"Um...I cant find it here."
"You should be able to, its State University of New York."

Friends are family

2006-02-27T10:03:00.000-06:00

I have long been meaning to talk about how much fun I have been having on The Odd Couple, and since I am finally moved in with Dr. Dexter and Catpants, I have the time.

This show has been....well, its everything I wanted it to be. A whole lot of fun, and something I could do that really made me feel confident as an actor. Oh, I dont plan on not being terrified of an audition anytime soon, and I hope to say that I wont go bragging about my "chops" at any point. But I can honestly say that Ive worked hard for this show, and I feel, for the first time, like it shows.

We had a terrific opening weekend, and every performance was fun. My buddy David J. (linked to the left) and I have decided that we are the only two people who can make each other crack up onstage. Going out, after the show, I really felt like we are a comedy team. Not only did people come up to us after the show to ask when we got from Spain (Im not making this up), one person (who had apparently not preused the program) asked me how lucky I felt to be working with my brother, playing brothers. Very lucky, I told her. In fact...

I feel very lucky to be working with such a talented cast and crew. They truly make every performance POP, and they make backstage as much fun.
I feel very lucky to be excited about every performance, and sad that I wont see these people again until Thursday.
I feel lucky to be into theatre at all, because this show is why people STAY in theatre.

The only way I DONT feel lucky is that this show is closing after Saturday.

I could go into a long diatribe about my friends in the show, but I will keep it short and say that they are my family. When I am down (and boy, I have been) they have picked me up and shown me the way. I can't...there are not enough words yet.

Come see the show. Its funny, its smart, and its the best thing I have had a part of in the past year.

The one story you have to read today.

2006-02-23T12:46:00.000-06:00

http://kutv.com/topstories/topstories_story_054093634.html

This is a story about Jason McElwain, a high school student with autism who was the basketball team manager. The coach wanted to give him a treat, so he added him to the roster and gave him a jersey. When it reached the last few minutes of the game, their team was up by double digits, so the coach gave him some floor time, in the hopes that the student would get kind of a thrill.

Jason scored 20 points in three minutes.

You know, Ive been thinking about the mentally handicapped a lot lately. One of my uncles (the one Mom is about to move in with) has a stepson with Down's Syndrome. He's only three, and "smart as a whip", I am told. Its strange to think of the mentally handicapped as being bright, but its true. Hmm.

I dont really have a point here; Im just saying that when I read this story, I was nearly brought to tears. Not to get mushier, but sometimes the world throws people down, and they seriously get up again and again to enrich everyone's lives. It helps, a lot I think, to have the people around like this kid's coach, or my Uncle and his wife, and even every single member of the basketball team who make these kids feel welcome and loved. Despite all of my opinions about God, about fate, or the state of the world at large, you can still find pure, unexploited beauty every single day. Sometimes you have to look for it. I think its great when it surprises you.

If you check out the link, make sure to watch the video. Its amazing.

Tim

2006-02-21T10:41:00.000-06:00

For those of you who don't know, my uncle passed away last Thursday morning after a long battle with heart problems. Now, we didn't talk much, mostly because of his wife, who....Im not going to split hairs here: plain white trash. Seriously. When I met her, she was banging some dude for drugs. I met her 7 years and two kids into their marriage. We'll talk more about her in a bit.

Anyway, I could not go to the funeral for a myriad of reasons (show opening, work, money, work, lack of proper girls to hook up with at family engagements, plus the fact that I've never been hip on family) so I said goodbye in my own way, and Tim would have been fine with that. He and I always got along, as men. (He's one of the many reasons I am the way I am; he and my uncle Richie were the guys who taught me my brand of humor AND my protectiveness of my true friends and family.)

My mom went, of course, and she gave me the skinny on the dramas and goings on of our lovely family. (A quick note about my family: they are kinda judgemental at times. For me, after some of our experiences with them, I decided I would make my own family out of friends and never be bothered with people I actually HAD to care about, if you follow me.When we found out Tim had passed, it was funny to step back and see the black sheep of our family all get together to decide how to say goodbye. Mom had not seen most of these people in years, her father in decades. I think she was just as much exhausted from that as she was the funeral.)

Anyways, initially it was like any normal family gathering I did not attend. Everyone asked about me, Mom got a few offers to come see my show, many offers for she and I to come visit, blah blah, family stuff. The bad thing was that Tim's wife was there.

Pray that if you ever die (I dont plan to), you wont have this person come to your funeral. She brought the boyfriend she shacked up with the day Tim died. She had thrown out their oldest daughter and forbade her to come (she did, but only because my family stepped in; judgemental or no, my family knows whats right, for the most part). She got up, walked around, and TEXT MESSAGED during the Pastor's sermon (I hear he was so distracted that he didnt really know what to do). Several times, during the funeral and the procession, she stood up and argued with what was going on. When they finally arrived at the gravesite, she blasted the stereo from her car and literally danced with her boyfriend. Later on, I found out that before Tim had died, she had stopped taking care of him, and she had said "He just needs to hurry up and die, because Im getting a lot of money out of this." Her first words to the funeral director? "We need to make this as cheap as possible." I am not making any of this up.

Now, the reason I tell you all this is because it was amazing how much my family pulled together around my mother and her father, the two who probably were the most torn apart. They formed a protective wall around each other, and did their best to say goodbye to Tim in a way that would have made him feel happy and loved. And, because its MY family, they offered to kick Tim's wife's ass for my Mom (Damn straight).

Its always strange what family does to me. I haven't talked to these people in years, but they are ready immediately to step up and take care of us. I realize, now and again, that I have a great family, we just get pulled apart by the world and our amassed problems.
I dont know what tomorrow may bring, as the old saw goes, but I feel better knowing that Mom always has a place to go if she needs it. And I see that perhaps I was wrong, and I dont want to have no family after all.

My favorite part of the funeral story was a true Tim moment, and I want to share that with you before I go back to bitching about work and money and chicks.

Tim had told me many, many times, from a hospital bed, was that he would not be missed, and would not be loved, and that no one would come to his funeral. I always told him all I could, that I loved him, and Mom would practically carry the casket herself. He would smile sadly, and go back to being in pain, or asking about me.

During the processional, Mom was in the car following the hearse. When she looked back, she saw a line of cars miles long, full of people who loved and miss Tim, and who all wanted to pay their respects to someone who deserved it. She said it was amazing, and Tim would have been so thrilled. When the processional reached the gravesite, the hearse missed the turn, and they had to go around the long way.

My uncle Richie laughed and said, "Oh geez, I can hear Tim now: 'Look at all those people here for me! Let's take another spin around the block so everyone can see!'"

The Odd Couple

2006-02-20T13:42:00.000-06:00

Here are a few photo's from Friday's rehearsal, taken by yours truly. Ah, Dave. The best bro in the whole wide world.
These are our two leads, Sheila and Shannon. Sheila and her fiance Kenneth have become the best new friends I have made on this production.
Shannon plays the girl I want to sleep with in the show, and fits the role nicely, as she and Sheila both are drop-dead gorgeous. I begged Victoria not to make this face. She insisted.

She is also gorgeous, although you cant really tell from here.

Remember to check out www.lakesidetheatre.org for details.

2006-02-20T09:22:00.000-06:00

You know, I'm not one to be all blowhard-y, least of all on people who exercise their right to freedom of speech. I think its one of the most important amendments, the First, because its the one most commonly threatened. And I think we should stand up for ourselves when our rights are fucked with. But...

I've been reading a lot lately (lately=in the past few years) about kids in high school standing up for their rights WAY too much. Some kid wore this, some kid wants to wear make up, some guy wants to dress as a girl, some girl wants to wear a lip ring, and each and every one of them are horribly offended and GOD KNOWS what will happen if they aren't allowed to wear/do whatever they want. And all of the stories contain the words "The community has rallied against the school board" or "The community is in an uproar" or "the child's parents have showed unconditional support.

I can honestly remember in high school several times when I wanted to wear something that was against the rules. You know what I did? I DIDN'T WEAR IT. And if I really really wanted to, guess what else? THE COMMUNITY DIDN'T RALLY BEHIND ME. Now, I don't mean to say that this is a personal, me-type issue. I just mean that school KIDS might want to stick to school WORK. Maybe then they pass their goddamn school TESTS and be able to GRADUATE without being 24.

The other issue, in my mind, is the fact that, guess what, you aren't allowed to wear whatever you want in a job-type environment. If I came in tomorrow in a corona shirt, wearing makeup, with vaginas hanging from my ears, I would get a talking to, and probably a firing. And HR and the community and Jesse-Fuckin-Jackson would be fine with it.

I guess my real point here is that I'm sick of so many of our rights and problems being overlooked while some kid wanting to wear a kilt gets national attention.

So, here's my official statement:

If you are in high school, and are not making straight a's, and are not in a club or committee of some sort dedicated to saving the world, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

And you know what else, if you are the parent of a kid in high school, and you have a problem with how your child is being treated, TRY A PTA MEETING. The media is not here for your amusement. If you tried being interested in your child BEFORE their "rights were violated", maybe your kid wouldn't be attempting to look like a character from the opera Faust.

Valentine's Day For My Ass

2006-02-14T09:04:00.000-06:00

So, as you might expect, I'm going to rant about Valentine's Day. Not because I forgot it, and not because it's stupid, but because some people make a stupid deal of it.

Today, everyone in my office went around and made sure everyone was wearing red. What the fuck!? It isn't St. Patrick's Day! If Im not wearing red, what, do I have to fuck you? IM NOT READY FOR THAT KIND OF CELEBRATION COMMITMENT. I can assure you though, if the thing about wearing red was true, I would not be wearing red. That's just the kind of Cool Hand Luke type I am.

Now that all of that is off of my chest, I hope you all have a good time planned. I will be home alone, packing to move out of my house before we are evicted. Fuck you all!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-10T08:49:00.000-06:00

Man, it was dark outside when I got to work. Its all rainy, and nice. I wish it wouldn't make me so sleepy, but I can deal. Mostly, it just makes me think of how much I will miss these mornings when we move.

Now, I realize that Seattle has its fair share of rain. But there is something about a day in Texas when the weather is as moody as the women. I guess it will always feel like home.

(Home meaning the old-school, where I come from home.)

Why I Fail

2006-02-03T09:03:00.000-06:00

So, I'm not going to be too detailed in my blog today, but I will let you guys in on a little secret.

I will be moving out of my mother's house and staying with friends very soon. Its not because I want to, or because I am abused there, but because my mother has not had a job for almost 6 months, and I cannot afford to support her or all of our possessions anymore. The only way for me to be able to live, much less for me to be able to have any sort of financial future, is to leave mom pretty much in the dust. I hear her plan is to wait for 6 weeks and then move with a friend to Indianapolis, so her friend can help her get back on her feet. (I dont know how she will last for 6 months, though.)

At this point, I am not angry anymore about any of the details of this entire saga. I had been since the beginning (this whole thing was Mom's fault, with no question, and she basically ruined us), but now its worn off into sheer sadness and regret.

So last night, I finally came out and confirmed to my mother that I was leaving, and soon. She never takes these kinds of things well (the last time I mentioned it, she wept and said I was giving up on her). It went alright, though, at least to me. I made it clear it had nothing to do with me being angry, or wanting out. Its just a thing I literally HAVE to do. I also made it a point not to put any blame on her during the conversation. I was talking about this with my closest friends, Catpants and Dr Dex last night. Catpants was astonished that I would not try to get through to her in any fashion, even if its yelling and screaming. I understood, but I told her that she did not have my Mom.

So many times, I have tried to "stand up" to her, and she never actually listens. It all goes into her ear as suggestion and, by the time it reaches her brain, it has turned into preachiness or a personal attack. Nothing ever changes except for the fact that she walks around crying, and I feel like a complete asshole for a week. It seems Ive found the worst way of giving up on someone, but one that is necessary from time to time, I feel: to not make any more arguments, because nothing will change. I'm already leaving, why go through that in the bargain? And it occurred to me that this is a thing I have.

While we were talking last night, we delved deeply into the argument of whether to stand up and fight with someone because of their problems, or just to get used to them. I told Catpants and Dr Dex a true fact, and one that kinda explains my philosophy on relationships (at least part of it).

Catpants and the Doc are my closest friends now, and the only ones CLOSE to them are a couple girls from high school (they read this blog, and know who they are and how much I miss them). Growing up, I HAD no close friends. If some shit went down with someone, whether it be my own or theirs, it would pretty much be the end of that relationship. When I was young, I probably went through more friends than anyone else because none of them were close enough to stay friends through the shit.

So, nowadays, I have about two speeds of friendship: Full On, or Full Stop. (There are exceptions to this rule, but they are very rare and are the result of hard work on my part). If I am Full on with somebody, I will live with their good and bad qualities, and work around them. If I am Full Stop...well, there's no contact whatsoever.

So, I now get ready to leave the person who was most important to me for most of my life, and hope vaguely she can make it without me. I know its not normal, I know its not fair to me, but I still feel like I have failed somewhere along the way. But perhaps that just my Mom in me.

What happened to us, CSI?

2006-01-31T10:52:00.000-06:00

Dear CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,

What happened to us? We used to be the tightest friends around. I would watch you every week, if not religiously, than at least with a healthy dab of interest. I bought your dvd's, all the way up to Season 4. I even enjoyed helping a former girlfriend with Forensics homework using knowledge I learned from you.

Nowadays, we are like two ships passing in the night. I'm never home to watch you, it seems. When I do make the rare appearance at home on a Thursday night, and I manage to be in front of the TV, you are either no on at all, or you are repeating the one episode I have seen all season (the one with the guy who dresses like a baby).

Oh, I hear you are doing well in my absence. People won't stop telling me (as if they know we an item) about the episode directed by Tarantino, where young, hunky Nick gets kidnapped. You know, I'm a little hurt that I have expressed interest in seeing that episode, and you have yet to be nice enough to show it to me.

I know it's partially my fault that we have drifted apart, but dammit, we should both try to be big people here. Or, I should be a big person, you should be a big syndicated show.

Speaking of syndication, I see you, every once in a while, late at night when I come home from drinking at a bar alone. I suppose I could sit and watch you then, on a dark, cold saturday night, when we both should be seeking comfort with each other. But I think it cheapens what we had to sit and revisit the old times like that.

I miss you CSI, and I wish I knew how to fix this. Maybe Greg should get back into the lab. Maybe Ecklie should turn back into a sleazeball. Or maybe Grissom's team should be united again. No matter what, I see no return of the salad days, as they say. I am sorry, and I wish you well.

Nutcase

PS: I also wanted to mention, that I have been seeing Scrubs off and on for a few years. Its time to stop the lying.

The Best Valentine's Present Ever

2006-01-30T10:24:00.000-06:00

If there werent enough reasons to Love White Castle (with their tiny burgers exploding with flavor, and also, the movie Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecastle), you now have another.

Whitecastle is bringing back the Valentine's Day Candlelight Dinner. Advertised are a romantically enhanced atmosphere and a slightly shifted fancier menu.

I cannot help but submit to you that this would be a great way to spend Valentine's Day. Lets be serious here. You know what sucks ass? Taking your Valentine to a fancy restaurant, shelling out assloads of money, both of you being uncomfrotable meanwhile, then not having enough money to take her to finally see Brokeback Mountain. Fancy restaurants can kiss my ass.

Laugh at me if you must. Point out the fact that I will have no Valentine. Or, you can point out the fact that the nearest Whitecastle Restaurant is in St. Louis. (If anything, I will buy someWhitecastle Frozen Burgers and eat at home alone.) I will stand up yet, and preach this evangel: Be kind to your Valentine. Buy them flowers, candy, and an assload of Slyder Burgers.

Fuckin' A.

Nerd Time: Extinct creatures, The Giant Squid, and Every Boy's Dream

2006-01-27T08:53:00.000-06:00

A few news stories from today that peaked my science interest. (Few people know this, but I was sent to a science and math conference when I was 7 or 8. It was the coolest thing I had done up to that point, and, had we had the money, I would have either moved on to Space Camp or some marine-life camp. From there, it would have been the stars, baby.)

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/01/26/fossil.archosaur.reut/index.html

Apparently, a rare skeleton was found of a two-legged, erect-walking crocodile creature in the basement of New York's Museum of Natural History. Can you think of any cooler place to explore? They find shit like this, and Im left wondering where The Crate from Creepshow is. WHO KNOWS what is down there.

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20060126/octopus_bc_060126/20060126?hub=Canada

A giant octopus made a rare appearance when it attacked a remote controlled submarine last fall. Now, the story itself may be pretty boring, even to my standards, but the idea of a giant anything is pretty fun. Having not been to any Natural History Museums (that arent the Science Place), I couldnt tell you what its like to stand next to a replica of a blue whale, the largest mammal on earth. Its gotta be pretty cool though. I mean, obviously, we are obsessed with giant creatures, or we were, when Kong and Godzilla ruled the box office.

www.nasa.gov
Today is Nasa's Day of Remembrance, honoring the fallen astronauts of Apollo 1, the Challenger, and the Columbia. Is there anyone here who never wanted to be an astronaut? (Dont talk to me then, because you are weird.) I could go on and on about my obsession with space exploration, but Ive already done that, so I'll just leave it at this rare preachy-sounding thought: Imagine doing something terribly dangerous and exciting, and leaving your parents and family at home worrying about the worst. And then the worst happens, with no happy endings, no last minute rescues. THAT is what these people gave. I'm not trying to put death itself into perspective, just the thought that for some, being remembered is not as good as being alive with loved ones. I have such respect for these astronauts, and the hundreds of astronauts no one will ever hear about again, because that is what they risk. Space is our greatest frontier, both because it is the most interesting and large, but also because we cannot even get there without brave ones who dare to "touch the face of God." Ok, Im done now.

Anyhow, get your nerd on today. Im declaring it Science Appreciation Day.

I Am Legend

2006-01-26T08:35:00.000-06:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Local Nutcase!
1.Local Nutcase has little need for water and is capable of going for months without drinking at all!
2.Local Nutcase is the world's tallest woman.
3.Czar Paul I banished Local Nutcase to Siberia for marching out of step!
4.Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat Local Nutcase'!
5.In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become Local Nutcase on New Year's Day.
6.If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill Local Nutcase!
7.Local Nutcase is the world's smallest mammal!
8.Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14, and Local Nutcase has 7!
9.Originally, Local Nutcase could not fly!
10.Forty percent of the world's almonds and twenty percent of the world's peanuts are used in the manufacture of Local Nutcase!

The Flashiest of Flashes

2006-01-25T09:06:00.000-06:00

Yeah, Im kinda tired of looking at David Lee Roth, too. I will be back soon to regale you with another thought-provoking and hilarious blog soon. Let me catch up on some work.

Just A Gigolo

2006-01-19T07:53:00.000-06:00

So I've listened to David Lee Roth the past few mornings. (As you may know Diamond Dave replaced Howard Stern on most talk and rock stations on the east coast and here in DFW.) After listening a couple days (and being a Roth fan since I was about 4) I feel I can comment.

First of all, I think David Lee Roth would work on the radio. I wouldn't necessarily put him at the forefront of a show, but picture those radio shows and sitcoms where one of the main people is a star from the past. Remember on "Its Like...You Know", when Jennifer Gray played herself? INSTANT COMEDY. Or, in keeping with the radio beat, wouldn't Adam Carolla's morning show (on the west coast) kick ass if one of his side kicks was the lead singer from the best rock band of the late 70s-early 80s? Its no doubt that David Lee Roth would have interesting things to say, if not about today, than about yesterday. For god's sake, I just saw an online survey asking who the biggest gigolo was: David Lee Roth, or Yoda. David Lee Roth could add something to ANY show.

Unfortunately, he's the only one who adds ANYTHING to his own show. I don't know who his sidekicks are. I have suspicions that they are a gruff guitar player (literally playing in the studio with a backup band) and some sort of producer type person (named Robin; what the hell?) In any case, they have no radio personality. It always sounds like they are on valium and talking through a mouthful of marshmallows.

Typical show moment:

David: No, I never cheated on anyone I was seriously dating. What about you, Animal?
Animal: murmermurmermurmermurmer. (lightly plays rockabilly riff)
David: Well, Robin, who we got on the phone?
Robin: (insane monotone) Humans good food.

Anyhow, I think if you are a big fan, its worth a listen on the commute. I'm betting come the next ratings quarter, they'll be wondering why they gave one of the most listened-to time slots on at least four of the largest markets in the country to a dude who's barely done radio before. Which is a shame, I think, because, most important of all, David Lee Roth sang Hot For Teacher. And nobody can take that away from him.

A couple of things

2006-01-18T08:25:00.000-06:00

*I was just listening to the song Satellite of Love by U2, from their One album. Are we to sit here and listen to this like its not the name of the ship from MST3K?

*I heard an ad this morning for a local upper-echelon strip club this morning. They were advertising a new sports viewing room, free of interruption. Do you see a bunch of guys sitting around and saying, "Boy, these $8 beers are good, but what's with all these naked girls mincing about? Cant we watch football without these interruptions!?"

My Semi-Weekly Offensive Comment

2006-01-17T12:20:00.000-06:00

What Im about to say is not the opinion of me or anyone else, just something I found funny. If you want, protest my blog, or send me angry mail (I love correspondence). This is one of those things where if you dont get it immediately, you probably wont know what Im talking about.

So, I was reading a couple of female bloggers at each others throats for the past couple weeks. It was very funny to sit back, and think about how people say that Men are the most vindictive and violent and angry of the sexes. When is the last time you saw two guys get in a seemingly-decade-long, extremely hurtful blog-war?

Just something to consider.

Bitches.

Superman Watch Continues

2006-01-13T13:16:00.000-06:00

In honor of my desperately awaiting Superman Returns to come out (this summer, you'll believe a man can fly.....again), here are some interesting facts about Superman, or, more specifically, the Superman movies.

*Christopher Reeve took some criticism for his portrayal of Clark Kent (Superman's alter ego) as a weak, bumbling nerd. This characterization (which he said was based on a younger Cary Grant), in Reeve's opinion, was necessary because he felt that there had to be some kind of a difference between Superman and Clark Kent, otherwise "it's just the same guy in glasses".

* Superman 4: The failure of this film at the box office prompted the Cannon Group Inc, to cancel a planned production of "Spiderman".

*The development of the best method to show Superman flying was a long period of experimentation. The methods attempted included simply catapulting a dummy into the air, a remote control model airplane painted as the character and simply animating the flying sequences. The producers settled for a combination of back projection and specially designed zoom lenses that could create the illusion of movement by zooming in on Christopher Reeve while making the back projection appear to recede.

*Clark Kent's and Superman's hair part on opposite sides.

*Marlon Brando received $4 million for his ten minutes on screen. After suing the production company for trying to use footage of him in Superman II, the footage was cut out. But, Because of the nature of the lawsuit, he still received royalties for his performance in Superman II (which never took place).

*Christopher Reeve dubbed all of Jeff East's dialogue as young Clark Kent due to the perceived discrepancy in their voices so as to maintain on-screen continuity. East himself is never heard during the film.

*Numerous actors tested for the part of Superman/Clark Kent: Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Bronson, 'Kris Kristofferson' , and even Ilya Salkind's wife's dentist (footage of the dentist testing for the part of Superman can, in fact, be seen in the supplemental section of the DVD). Eventually, the Salkinds cast an almost unknown actor they kept coming back to from earlier in their search - Christopher Reeve (who had only one other film and a TV soap opera to his credit).

*Marlon Brando refused to memorize most of his lines in advance. In the scene where he puts infant Kal-El into the escape pod, he was actually reading his lines from the diaper of the baby.

*Marlon Brando reputedly suggested that his cameo role as Jor-El be done by him in voice over only, with the character's image onscreen being a glowing, levitating green bagel. Unsure if Brando was joking or not, the film's producers formally rejected the suggestion.

*Marlon Brando had evidently gone crazy at this point.

*Initially, Gene Hackman refused to cut off his mustache to play Lex Luthor. In early one-sheets of the movie his face is featured with a mustache. Before Richard Donner and Hackman met face-to-face, Donner proposed to Hackman that if he would cut his mustache, Donner would cut his too, and Hackman agreed. It turned out later that Donner did not have a mustache at all.

*Apparently, really great classic actors are all assholes.

*The technique Richard Pryor's character uses in Superman III to steal money from his company, where he collects very little money (in this case decimals of a cent) from other accounts and aggregates them in his personal account, is called "salami technique" in computer crime terminology.

* Superman III marked the first time Christopher Reeve was given top billing in a Superman movie. For the first film he was behind Marlon Brando and Gene Hackman; for the second he was only behind Hackman.

THREE DAY WEEKEND IS COMING.

2006-01-12T11:56:00.000-06:00

Some girls you just never get over.

2006-01-09T08:19:00.000-06:00

Back to you, It always comes around
Back to you, I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late
Over you, I'm never over
Over you, Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
And I quit every game I play
But forgive me, love
I can't turn and walk away
This way

Back to you, It always comes around
Back to you, I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you could not do

Leave the light on,I'll never give up on you,
Leave the light on,For me too, for me too

Back to me, I know that it comes
Back to me, Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be

From the Hostel (starting today!) website

2006-01-06T11:23:00.000-06:00

I am worth $1,966,398 on HumanForSale.com

www.hostelfilm.com

A New Year, and A New Age, and I Guess Im Still Me

2006-01-05T09:58:00.000-06:00

So, Happy 2006, everybody.

Sorry I have been so long...I hate to fall back on the "Life has been tough" excuse, but dammit, Life keeps raising the bar. Im still here, though.

Anyhow, I turned 24. Special thanks to Beth, Dr Dexter, and Catpants, for making it ring in extra special. I know Ive talked about it before, but having the birthday of December 28th makes it very hard to have a kickass time. So did other things, but my friends made me feel special. (However, the new waitstaff at the loophole did not. More on that in a sec.)

Also, I had a SPLENDID New Years Eve with a bunch of friends, including two of my high school buddies (hereafter referred to as "THE SARAHS") whom I had not seen very much in, like, 4 years. LH Forever! (Thank god its not so.;)) Except for a few minor indiscretions (I got a hickey that pissed me off WAY more than it excited me), it was a wild time. The Dr might be a bit regretful about some of the nights events, but I felt, again, loved and special. The Sarahs kept going on about how great my friends were. At one point, someone was trying to get me to come to their party, and said "Come on, my whole family is here!" I looked in the window to my party, and happily said "Mine is here."

Since then, not much has been up. I have been trudging through what I MUST call the hardest time in my life (which I know I have said before), but as I say, the kid ain't thrown in the towel yet. And no plans to. I also got bed-riddenly ill the past couple days, but that may not be as exciting to you as it was to me. Suffice it to say, Im glad to be back in the world today.

I love all of my readers, and all of my friends, and I wish everyone a Happy New Year and remind you all that I am now 24.

But, I would be remiss if I did not give a funny story and a new complaint for 2006.

First, the complaint. During December, I rated a bunch of Xmas songs on my Launchcast Player. They are still playing. Its already hard enough to get the song you want played (I have been waiting for a song from Del Amitri to play for four months), but now I got a bunch of Xmas crap going on as well. Dammit!

So, on my birthday, I was at the loophole, like I mentioned before. When the waitress came over, I said, "Hey, its my birthday, dont I get a free shot?" She said "Yeah!" And promptly walked away, while I futiley tried to get it ordered. I later found out that you can no longer order the shot you want, and there is now a STANDARD BIRTHDAY SHOT. What was it? Jager. Pretty hardcore. I did it, but DAMN.

Sign # 547 That The World Is Going Downhill: Laffy Taffy Jokes Are Getting Suckier

2005-12-21T10:00:00.000-06:00

Where did the sick ship go?
To see a dock.

Why did the chef let mosquitoes bite him?
Because he wanted to make a cake from scratch.

What the hell? I know these are sent in by Joe Public, but REALLY.

This goes along with reason #546, Sunday Comics Haven't Been Funny For Ten Years.

Birthday Count: T-minus 12 days

2005-12-16T08:42:00.000-06:00

So, yep, Im back, after a lovely trip to Seattle with a couple of my best friends (whom I consider family; we may not have the same parents, but they are all crazy). A good time was had by all, even for when we drank every flavor of Jones' Soda (Thanksgiving and Holiday flavors, respectively), which Im pretty sure are sweetened with the fart-breath of Satan himself.

Sorry I didnt write a big kick-ass blog before I left. I had planned to, but I couldn't narrow down my mind to write a blog. I was so terrified of money, so worried about not killing my mother, and so nervous about the trip itself. Now that Im back, however.....

My lovely Mother (bless her heart) quit her job about a month and a half ago. Its high time for her to get another one, in my own humble opinion. If she doesnt get one in the next, oh, two days, Im vaguely concerned about how we will eat next month. I will get paid, but my paycheck pays for exactly 50% of our bills. So thats fucked.

But, on the lighter side of things, here's a list of things to look forward to.

*An Inherit the Wind party. Isnt this show over? I AM excited to see the directors and my lovely ASM, but jesus. I say again. Isnt this show over?

*MY 24th. Only 12 days away! This is, frankly, the most important day in any of your lives, and I want to make it clear that I dont need a bunch of gifts, or a big party or anything. Sexual favors will suffice.

*New Years Eve. I am working on a rock-out, good-time, drunken-incident party. More to come.

If you'll notice, I did not put Christmas down. Now, I'm not terribly upset about presents (I get shit all the time). I'm not even terribly upset about not having a sweetheart to hold on Xmas Eve. I am, however, a little sad that we are so broke that we will most likely have Hamburger Helperfor our Christmas dinner. Humbug. I feel like sleeping (or drinking) from December 24th to the 28th.

All that being said, I missed out on the monthly birthday celebration at work because it was held at the office Christmas party, which I did not attend. Now, every month, the birthday people get a gift. Usually disgustingly cheap, always baffling. (For instance, one of my friends got thank you cards with cats on them. She is allergic.) I got my present this morning. A blackjack-size candy cane, perfect for braining people. What is trying to be suggested here? That I kill everyone?

.......Hmm.

Days until Seattle: 4

2005-12-06T16:07:00.000-06:00

So, today one of my good high school friends found me, and after not seeing each other for about 3 or 4 years, Im glad to have her back in the fold. Welcome back, Danielle!

This week is going surprisingly happy for me. Im broke, and have no plans of ever getting money until this year is over, but at least I have a trip to look forward to. And I AM SO EXCITED about it. Catpants and E3 are exceptionally good at vacation planning, and I think they have set me up nicely for a good time, steeped in alcohol and Seattle-ness. WOO!

Again, sorry for the no bloggies lately. I guess Ive been so caught up in living my life that I havent felt the urge to write about it. Once again, I promise, before I leave I will write a nice, big, kick ass blog.

Until then, what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?

The trouble with Friends

2005-12-02T15:01:00.000-06:00

So I have three friends about to do a show in the Colony. They are excited about it, and so I receive personal emails from all of them, broadcast emails from all of them, and also: unfortunately, I seem to be on everyones list, so as soon as I get one broadcast email from friend a, friend b will send it out to all of THEIR friends (ie me). So I now have 83 emails about the same show. I GET IT. Just kidding, buddies.;)

So, sorry about the lack of personal updates on the old Nutspace lately. What with the robberies, Master's Degrees, new relationships, big moves, job offers, auditions, and general exciting things on all yalls blogs, I kinda didnt have anything of consequence to add.

I still dont, but you know. Gotta keep the peeps happy. Gotta keep the party poppin. Gotta keep the.....jimmy....hatted.

Be right with you.

2005-12-02T08:47:00.000-06:00

What comes before part b?

2005-12-01T08:44:00.000-06:00

PART-AY!

Conversation with Dr Dexter Yesterday

Me: SO what is wassail anyway?
Dr: Well, its a drink with fruit and spices. Normally its served alcoholic, but since we are going to a family type gathering, it may be served non-alcoholic.
Me: Oh, itll be alcoholic when I order a beer with it.

Coming Attractions

2005-11-30T09:09:00.000-06:00

On this, the last day of November, I will say that my birthday month begins tomorrow. Let the sexual favors begin.

Until I can pick up some condoms (I was planning on borrowing Dr Dexter's stolen ones), I am excited and delighted to say that I will be wassailing on Thursday. Bring on Christmas!

Note: Because of a buncha factors, it looks like me and a couple other friends will not have presents this year. Time for us to remember the true meaning of Christmas, Linus-style.

Further Note: I will actually blog soon. I know I haven't been a wealth of information or humor lately; I'll fix that.

Musing on Monkeys

2005-11-22T10:04:00.000-06:00

King Kong komes out next month. It looks SUPER COOL, and I have always been a fan of the Konger, so I am excited. But, I have to ask...

If they find an island with many mysterious creatures, including giant apes and dinosaurs, wouldn't you think they would bring back the dinosaurs? I mean, apes? We HAVE those.

Just something I was thinking about.

Let the merriment begin. (Emphasis on the GIN)

2005-11-18T11:11:00.000-06:00

Ah, time again for the office thanksgiving potluck. Not to be confused with the monthly birthday potluck, or the halloween potluck, or the St. Fuckin' Patrick's Day potluck (What is these people's obsession with bringing food? Have you no lives!?) A time of year when its colder outside, its a bit more relaxed at work, and I'm a bit more crazy for the alkyhol.

I like thanksgiving, inasmuchas it is cold, and an actual holiday that we get off, but still, its never been a favorite holiday of mine. Mostly its the stereotypical sitcom holiday at my house, with Mom crazily making food and making sure everyone (sometimes just me) is taken care of, and me sitting/sleeping/smoking/watching Charlie Brown.

I suppose I have a lot to be thankful for this year, but dammit, this year has still sucked. Im excited about Thanksgiving, because it means a new year is around the corner.

Plus, pie-flavored soda and coffee. Tasty.

Insane with the Innuendo

2005-11-15T15:51:00.000-06:00

Ah, there's nothing quite like becoming terribly horny at work (There's nothing you can do about it there! HA!), for no other reason than you saw a girl doing something slightly suggestive, like licking a lollipop while wearing revealing lingerie. FUN!

On that same note, I command you all to listen to the new Bloodhound Gang single, Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo. Bloodhound Gang is way better than YOUR band.

Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet
Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocket
Batter dip the cranny ax
In the gut locker
Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh la la
With the boink swatter

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo, in the end know my intent, though
I brazillian wax poetic so pathetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

2005-11-15T10:41:00.000-06:00

So, by now the news is out to everyone about the late Eric Bailey. I feel kind of grounded to this story, because I was present (not in the room, but present) when the announcement was made to the cast and crew of Inherit the Wind. I witnessed the some of the first crying, some of the first shock.

I didn't know Eric Bailey. I had heard tell of him, sure, but we had never actually gotten chance to cross paths. These are the times that I am reminded that you dont have to be friends with somebody to be affected by their death. I always feel kind of strange when a theatre community person dies. Always shocked at the fact that I will never work with them, or that they wont be tirelessly auditioning or directing come the next season. Just the insanity of death is always hard for me to get over, having not been absolutely surrounded by death in my later years. (I lost grandparents, sure, but before I was old enough to really take in what that meant.)

Its one thing to know someone who loses a friend, but we theatre people are an extended family ourselves. I dont have to work with someone or even know them to feel the loss of a dedicated fellow dramatist.

Am I making enough sense here? I feel like....This sounds really shallow, but I feel like I should be going around and telling everyone I love them. Hugging them close. Buying them Jones Soda (salmon flavored).

I guess I just want to say that I love you to all of you. I know I may have some random readers to my blog, but most of you are my closest, dearest friends. You guys make me who I am today (only the good parts, Ill take the blame for the bad.) I hope you all know how much you mean to me.

Another Deep Thought

2005-11-14T08:54:00.000-06:00

You know, if you think about it, reading a form or application that someone has incompletely filled out is like talking to a functionally retarded person.

"Did you go to college?"

"YES!"

"Where?"

"(silently walks away)"

Defining REBELLION

2005-11-09T14:23:00.000-06:00

In an effort to fill the drama void on our blog lately, I will say something that has been on my mind lately. Get ready.

SEX AND THE CITY SUCKS.

I dont get it. I enjoyed watching it ONCE, and that was because I was drunk. I dont care about these shallow women and their petty problems. I know I know. People think its brilliant.

SUCKS

ASS

.

I understand that my views aren't the most popular on this subject. I know that there will be a backlash. I am prepared to fight to the death just to prove a point.

THAT should piss people off.

Another pointless relationship post

2005-11-09T10:20:00.000-06:00

*Normally, I would make some sort of scathing jokes about the passing of Proposition 2 which showed how so many people were wrong, and we were right. But I just don't have it in me. I'm quickly losing faith in humanity. It seems to me now the only beauty in humanity can be found person to person. Goddamn.

So, in the past couple weeks, I have been out on one date with a girl I see almost every day. She is the niece of the director of my show. She is sweet, gorgeous, and I'm vaguely certain now that she spends her days and nights thinking of ways to keep me in the dark as to how she feels.

Literally, in the same night, I will get a clear cut "I want to date you" signal, and then five minutes later, get what should be a clear cut "I'm not interested" signal. F'rinstance:

One night, she had said that she would bring me some leftover dinner she had made. She got to rehearsal, no dinner, and she said that they had eaten it all. Understandable, but not a big sign of pure romance someone feels for you. Then, later on that night, I asked her if there was any chance of a post show date this weekend, to which she replied "Very good chance!"

I guess Im overthinking this. (I have been known to do that.) It would normally be a whole lot easier to blame it on myself, and say that maybe Im coming on too strong. But then, a second date isnt really that much to ask.

Man I dont even know. I had been being very good and down to earth about girls. Despite all of the horrible things I went through this year, I pretty much blamed it all on fate or the craziness of others. I try to keep a good head on my shoulders, and be myself as much as possible. But this girl....she makes me nervous. I mean, truly, I cant be funny or charming, socially-awkward nervous. In a good way, in that I really like her. In a bad way, in that I act retardedly.

Well, as Ive rationalized before, I have nothing better to do, relationship wise. Ill keep you updated. As far as I know, we are supposed to have a date SOMETIME this weekend. We'll see.

Proposition 2.

2005-11-04T08:47:00.000-06:00

I am not a registered voter.

I did one register at one time, and I voted in the election for Al Gore against Bush, but I have not registered since. Not because I am against voting, or even because I think one vote doesnt count (on the contrary, I think if we are to save this country, it will be by numbers, and each person makes part of a whole). Mostly, I don't register because I am lazy. In truth, I can barely get anything I HAVE to get done done, so things like registering to vote, stopping for pedestrians, and actually cleaning any part of the house sometimes seem like way more than I can possibly accomplish in a given day.

As a non-voter, I always rationalized myself as something of a critic. As such, it let me feel better about not doing anything. "I'm not out to change the world," I would think. "I still don't know enough to do anything but rant." Its because of this BS that I kinda avoid making huge arguments about bills that are up for the vote. As full of shit as I am, I dont want to be seen as TOTALLY full of shit.

This Prop. 2 thing is a little different. I dont mean to say that I am not full of shit anymore, but I know a bit about Prop. 2, and the people it affects. I'm not going to go into ALL of the rammifications it has (which, if you take a look and learn a little, it affects a LOT of people in a LOT of different ways). I'm just going to talk abouthow it affects me, as any normal selfish non-voter would.

My father, as most of you know, is a homosexual. My dad and I don't get along too well, but he's a good guy. I remember him nervously coming out to me. Take the time to imagine this:

I'm only fifteen, my body is taking me on a rollercoaster or oily skin and hair, and the thing I most worry about is some girl calling me fat. Imagine how much it changes you to have to deal with a parent who is going against everything he and I have been taught by our family and religion. Remember, also, that I didnt have an easy life. My parents had split up when I was 4, and my mom had dated a borderline abusive man for 7 years at that point. Dad had been in and out of relationships, and I, stuck in the middle, had a huge inferiority complex and a nice healthy case of clinical depression.

I know my dad thought of this a lot. I think he was very prepared to accept my resignation as his son. Or, to go on pretending to be straight just to keep me. When I told him that I already knew, and that he was still my dad, he wept. And this was MY dad, the truck driver, who I didnt get along with because he was a hard case. Weeping. It changes you, the sight of something like this.

His boyfriend, Troy, became my stepmother. He is very funny, and so sweet and maternal that Ive wondered who his SuperMom role models must be. We had fun, all of us. We were all guys, so we tended to be messy, but we would joke with each other, and all go on little outings, and spend time together as people should, like the every-other weekend I had with them was not enough. I think its funny that my Mom (who many of you know to be the sweetest lady ever) and her boyfriend and I never ALL got along, and my dad and his boyfriend and I were a family. Over the years, Dad and I grew apart because of the stupid ways that men do. (I think when a man turns twenty, he either has to find a new respect for his father, or stop getting along altogether, or both.)

My father has worked hard on himself, battled through his own preconceptions of sin and the unnatural, fought hard through the predjudices of his family and friends and coworkers and everyone in the goddamned state. He finally found a place where he can be happy with himself. Its so easy for some people (me included) to just assume everyone else has it as easy as we do to be happy at all. I mean, I hate a lot of things about myself, but I can forget a lot of those on a good day or night or five minutes. Can you imagine not being able to feel natural at any point in your life? My dad could. He's happy now, and Im prouder of him than anything I have done thus far in my life.

So, understand, it sticks a bit in my craw when his rights are taken away from him. If Prop 2 passes, he and my stepmother will not be able to get married. I love my family, as much as I dont spend time with them. Why dont I, or my father, or Troy, deserve to have a family? We're all going to Hell, I spose some would say. I know most of you can imagine my sheer FRUSTRATION. We cant have a family because a group of people say so. Why? "Cause." No, really, why? "Cause. Jesus told us not to let you."

Ah, I remember Jesus when he came to talk to our campus (we got history credit for going to see him at the Union). Yeah, that Jesus was a big supporter of love, and of family, and treat others as you want to be treated, but then a dude wore pink in the third row, and Jesus pelted him with cattle hearts and damned him a bit. Or, maybe I remember it differently. What I learned about Jesus is that we should treat EVERYONE as we want to be treated, and I seem to remember someone saying that god's gift is a gift of love, not the gift of knowing who to hate.

And it IS hate. Talk all you want about being gay friendly, but I gotta tell ya, if Im friends with Catpants and Dr Dexter, and then I say they cant have the same rights all of us do, that wouldnt be very friendly, would it?

This whole issue reminds me of the black civil rights issues. "Blacks can go to the same schools as us, sure. They can ride on the same busses, no prob. They can even go on tv. But, they have to drink from these water fountains, they have to ride in the back, and they can only be shown in peon roles or in musical acts. I mean, sure, they're people, but lets be CIVILIZED here."

I guess Ive rambled on long enough. But I will say one more thing.

I love my father. I love his partner. I love all of my gay friends (except the assholes). If they cannot have the same rights as me, I am slighted as well. I can tell you now that if Prop 2 passes, the chances of me returning to this state after Seattle go down to zero. If my friends cannot have their rights here, then I will not either.

Halloween Musings of A Local Nutcase

2005-10-31T14:32:00.000-06:00

* Sometimes when I see a girl walking around in fishnet stockings, a leather miniskirt, and a tight black top, I wonder: Is she in costume, or just a slut?

*Maybe its time I got the old ACTUALLY WARM coat out of the closet.

*I love Halloween, but almost never dress up. Not because I dont have time, or cant think of what to do, just because I dont like to.

*My rage in the workplace has reached the level where I am beginning to wonder if I can walk out of here peacefully when the time comes, or if I will have to do something horrible, like throw a cherry bomb in the toilet, run out of the building and never come back.

*I just never get the chance to do the jitterbug anymore, since cotillion.

*This is the look the next person who comes into my office will receive.

Happy Halloween!

I am now a whore.

2005-10-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

And not in the good way.

I have had a very personal defeat this morning. On campus, October is the only month that a certain charity, SECC, can offer incentives and things to urge people to donate (in either a lump five dollar sum or in two dollar increments every month from your paycheck). A couple of people in my office have thus been HARASSING us to donate, ostensibly because the first office to have 100% participation will receive $1000 (which I later found out from Dr. Dex is in the form of a scholarship).

Now, when I say they have been harassing us, I want to be clear.

They have come into peoples' offices and stared them down until they agreed to donate.

They asked one of my best friends here at work if she would donate if everyone else did. She said she would, and they told her that she was indeed the last person. She donated, then found out that there was about 50% of the office that had not yet agreed.

I was one of two holdouts that made it this long. I'm all for charity, but it pisses me off to no end how these people FORCE people to give. I decided that I would not donate, not to be a dick, but to silently protest the treatment everyone has received. Its not anybody's place to tell me what I should do to be a good person. Furthermore, I dont like to be bothered at home with people asking for money; why would I at work? This has been met by different reactions. On the surface, many were saying "Come one, Nutcase, go along now." But underneath, and on the surface of a few, I felt like everyone understood my point. I felt pressured, but stuck by my guns.

This morning, one of the two Donation Nazis came into my office and sat down. I was working on something (my blog, actually) so she stared at me in silence until I said, irritatedly, "Yeah? Can I help you?"
"Nutcase,dont you want to donate $2 each and every month to SECC?"
"Um...no, not really."
"Cmon, theyll take it right out of your paycheck."
(I have no idea why that would be a selling point for ANYTHING.)
"Id still rather not.
"What about a lump sum of $5?"
"No, Id still rather not."

This went on for about 5 minutes, until I finally agreed to let someone else make a donation in my name.

Later on, one of my coworkers told me that she had had the chick in her office for 15 minutes, and it was getting "ugly". The Donation Nazi actually had to be "came and got" from the office by the other Charity Pusher. I told everyone what I had finally agreed to, and I have to say I feel like I saw a bit of disappointment in her face, as well as in a couple of otherpeople's. We then immediately got an email from the head of our department thanking the donation nazis "for their hard work".

I feel like I havent stood up for my convictions. I feel like, despite the fact that I dont care what people think most times, and the fact that I am revolutionary by nature, I have sold out.

Fuck this place.

2005-10-28T09:15:00.000-05:00

"Kids, what did we learn tonight about Fluffernutter tonight?"
"He has had congress with the beast."

"Little Snotsie, aren't you an little ANGEL!?"
"There is no god."

Oh please, God, tell me there is a DOGGY groom walking around and not.....anything else.

It was only after it was too late that people realized Little Sparkle was a raging cauldron of angst and violence.

Papercut to the Eyeball

2005-10-26T14:19:00.000-05:00

Man, I canNOT get enough of bad horror movie reviews at www.i-mockery.com.

You know what else I cant get enough of? This weather. My only wish is that it wouldn't be so sunny, because that causes a strange greenhouse effect in my office. So, I sit in the 60-70 degree weather, with the fan on because Im hot. Hmm. Texas.

2 of 5

2005-10-24T08:21:00.000-05:00

I had a great weekend this weekend, for a lot of reasons, here are two.

1. Batman Begins. I dont care how retarded I get over this movie. It's good.

2. We opened Seussical, to great success. We had problems, sure, but nothing that turned off the audience tremendously. (Even a fire alarm that went off REPEATEDLY did not dissuage our audiences from having a good time. And, jack, that's what Im here for.

I got more worried about this show than I normally do about any show, mostly because I came in two days before we had an audience and, all respect to the stage manager directly before me, I had to basically set all of the stage manager crap in those two days. Saturday night was the first night I didnt have to take home the (HUGE) score and rewrite my entire book of cues and crap. I was ready for Miller Time come Friday, I can tell you (as I know everyone involved with the show was).

Last week, when I was coming home from the theatre at 11:45 or so, Mom asked me if I was having fun. "OF COURSE NOT!" She then asked me a question that I feel a lot of non theatre people have: If it isn't always fun, then why do it? Its a simple answer, that we all know. We do it because it isn't our hobby, it isn't our job, it isn't even always fun. We do it because it is our PASSION. I can't see myself NOT doing it.

As far as this show goes, Im doing it because they need me, and because if I can do this, I will have a personal high note to leave town on. I dont mean to say Im a big hero, and I have no huge ego about theatre (I dont really think I know much at all), but its a big deal, being able to do a show in two days. Even wrong. Im proud. And the chicks (mostly taken though they are), are hot. By the way, if anyone in the show hasn't heard, I WILL be back for the second weekend.

THE BEST NEWS STORY EVER

2005-10-20T09:43:00.000-05:00

Girl Fights Pit Bull
10-Year-Old Saves Dog During Walk

OMAHA, Neb. -- A pit bull is being held at the Nebraska Humane Society after a 10-year-old girl jumped on the dog, which was attacking her 4-pound dog, Omaha television station KETV reported.

Teghan Hert, 10, was rushed to an emergency room but only suffered a couple of minor scratches. She said she was just taking her 2-year-old Chihuahua for a walk when a pit bull came charging at them. She said her instincts took over from there.

"She's my best friend," Hert said of her dog. "I don't know what I would do without her."
Hert said that during a late afternoon walk, the pit bull broke free from its leash as it walked along the same street with its owner. The big dog jumped on the Chihuahua, then Hert jumped on the pit bull.

"I was just trying to pull him back with all my might, but it was impossible. He was so strong," the girl said.

Hert's mother and a neighbor helped pull them apart.

"I was just screaming, hoping that someone would come out, and luckily, that guy did come out. It was so scary," Hert said.

"Even myself, as an adult, would not reach into the middle of that," said Teghan's father, Ralph Hert. "I don't think she thought anything. I think she wanted to save her puppy's life."

Ralph Hert considers his daughter pretty brave. He's just glad she wasn't seriously injured.
"The Chihuahua weighs 4 pounds and it would have been over pretty quick. So without what Teghan did, the Chihuahua wouldn't be here," Ralph Hert said.

The Chihuahua suffered superficial wounds.

The owners of the pit bull told the station that the dog is a household pet and was most likely trying to play with the Chihuahua, not hurt it.

The owners have been ticketed for lack of restraint, having no license and no vaccinations.
The pit bull is under quarantine at the Humane Society for 10 days to see if it has rabies. The dog can then be returned to the owners.

The Demands of My Job*

2005-10-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

*according to a recent job description put out by HR

These are the physical demands required of my job. I am not making these up.

While performing the duties of this job, the employee is occasionally required to stand; walk; sit; use hands to finger, handle, or feel objects, tools or controls; reach with hands and arms; climb stairs; talk or hear. The employee must have the ability to operate a personal computer and occasionally lift and/or move up to 25 pounds. Specific vision abilities required by the job include ability to distinguish the nature of objects by using the eye. May be required to sit for long periods of time.

Hands, body, and mind dexterity are required.

I <3 The Ladies

2005-10-19T10:36:00.000-05:00

NOTICE: The following blog is not meant to put myself on a pedestal of self-righteousness, but merely to express my thoughts. Please take nothing away from this, except the fact that I am horny.

This morning, while discussing last nights rehearsal, I asked Catpants who the hot chick was playing the drugged out bird. (This show is fucked up.) Catpants informed me that it was a girl I have actually seen in a show before, but I had never found attractive in the slightest. Apparently, this girl put on about 20 pounds since then. I, personally, have never found a more beautiful creature than a woman who was.....Voluptuous? Not skinny? (Its hard to find the words I want without sounding sleazy in some fashion.) Dr Dexter and I have agreed on this many times, and mostly we agree on the same girls we like (except for the fact that he likes Helen Hunt, who I always think looks tired.)

Thinking about this has shown me yet again how interesting a personal attraction can be. Some people have types ("I only like guys who look like they have been in prison", or "I only like girls who wear too much make up and call me Daddy 100% of the time"), but I always surprise myself by who I am attracted to. I always like girls with a little more meat on their bones, and I tend to stay away from the bizarrely frizzy/curly hairded ones, but other than that, so many factors come into play.

I remember one girl who I had a HUGE crush on in high school, who was skinny as all get out, and not extremely pretty in the face, but her personality was so CUTE, it lit up her eyes in a way. She would make this cute little voice, and say the most adorable girly things. I know that sounds annoying, but, having a big immature cute streak myself, I fall apart for that kinda thing.
I can also remember a girl who had a GORGEOUS face, but a smaller chest and not such a good lower body area. She was HILARIOUS, and WAY smarter than I was, although she would never admit it. She had the best smile ever. It was sardonic, and very cynical (as the girl was herself). Ah, it was dreamy.

My point is, I guess, that I am weird. If I see a girl who is completely unattractive on Monday, I can see the same girl on Tuesday and fall in love because of a different hair cut, or pair of glasses, or, god forbid, low cut top. Ladies are so pretty. (I stress the word LADY, because every girl I have fallen in love with, truly, has been first and foremost the kinda girls Mom would be cool with.) So, when I am asked to describe my perfect girl (as I am sometimes), its very hard to put it down. I guess I've always wanted to date a redhead, but other than that....its all up the air.

Shitsical

2005-10-19T09:18:00.000-05:00

Well, its official. For the next weekend, I (like everyone else in town, it seems) am the Stage Manager for Seussical.

The show has its problems, but I cant WAIT to work with Catpants, Babs, Lestat and a bunch of girls I can hopefully get drunk and trick into having sex with me. Or, if not that, a bunch of gay dudes I can hopefully get drunk and trick into having sex with me.

All that being said, Im rather nervous. This is my first rodeo as the actual, factual stage manager, and its a beast.

Oh, by the way....

2005-10-18T16:01:00.000-05:00

The single greatest Batman movie ever made comes out on DVD today.

Just wanted you to know.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Par-tay

2005-10-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

Okay, so here's the deal. This weekend, after my lovely Doctor's appt, I treated myself to the Undeclared Complete Series DVD's. Its a lovely show about dorm life, that ironically premiered the day I got into the dorms. Hilarious, but heartfelt, several things have already come to light to make this my new favorite show that got cancelled.

*I am (according to myself, Catpants, and E3) exactly like Ron, the lovable sarcastic big guy.

*The main characters trials and tribulations being a friend of Lloyd, the mop-haired man whore, pretty much mirror my experiences being roommates with Zane, the mop-haired man whore.

*The episodes each explore some facet of dorm life that all of us have faced. (The freshman 15, roommate sex, etc)

Watching these shows has made me wish I had a better time at my dorm. My roommate at the time didnt so much care for my style of living, and I didnt really care for his, so our good times were pretty slim. (Plus, if you wake in the morning to the odor of action figure, you can pretty much assure yourself that no sex will be had in your room.)

During one of my favorite episodes, the dormies receive a half full keg, that they have to pour out and drink before it goes flat. This (and the ensuing antics) prompted Catpants to say, "Hey! We should get drunk!" Alas, it was too late.

I miss the dorm-ey times. Too much fun was missed out on.

So, what I have envisioned is one Saturday soon, when no shows are to be had, an ALL DAY DRINKING BLOWOUT. We start at noon, and dont stop until we are sick. We invite various people over at various times, so they can witness different stages of our drunkeness. Ideally, it would be a pretty day, so we have a lot of chances to get off on little excursions and adventures. We should secure a ping-pong table, or the like. I will bring my guitar, not so I can practice or play well, but just to strum on, as someone will inevitably decide they know how to play Smells Like Teen Spirit a few hours in.

It will be cathartic. It will be like reenvisioning our College years, where we can pick fun people and real friends to be with, instead of the smelly guy from B-tower and "Easy Jenny Ugly-Face" from 204. Plus, (maybe this should be a selling point), it will be the perfect way to celebrate my 24th birthday. In lieu of actual gifts, people could bring weird college-y gag gifts, like the Belushi poster, or a bong, or one of those dancing gophers from Caddyshack. Maybe at one point we can break out the mary jane, but I feel that may turn it from "Long, slow drunk Day" into "Chris is wearing nothing but an alligator hat Day".

I think itll be great. What do yall think?

The Prodigal Returns

2005-10-17T08:27:00.000-05:00

After a 7 day hiatus, I have returned to work and blog. I missed you guys, and I hope you know I am ok.

Sickness is never fun, particularly when people (OFFICE people) act like you were gone for seven months. I come back to find that my coworkers have INTERROGATED both Dr Dexter and a couple of other people who count more as my friends and less as my coworkers. Its like a knitting circle in here.

But anyhow, Im back, and in a few minutes here, Ill give you a good blog.

But first I gotta check about 800 emails.

Slump

2005-10-10T10:52:00.000-05:00

I hate whiny little posts, but be prepared, this is one.

I have, for some reason, decided to be very unhappy for the past week. I dont know why. I feel stupid, and unattractive, and everything I would normally do to feel better feels shallow and pointless. I suppose I could drink my troubles away, but even that has never worked. I just like to drink, it doesn't solve any problems.

Consider this post less of a cry for help (I dont want your pity, nor do I deserve it) and more of an excuse for when/if you talk to me and I am completely weird. I have nothing to add to anything, it seems, but strangeness and melancholy.

Blah.

Gum Ivory, circa 1900s ball player

2005-10-07T10:33:00.000-05:00

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (Name of first pet/Street you live on): Oscar Jasmine

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (Favorite snack food/Grandfather's first name): Pomegranate Alford

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (1st word on left /Fave restaurant): Printer Guapo

4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice / Last Foreign Vacation Spot): Chili Quebec

5. SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname / Town You First Partied): Donuts Dallas

6. "FLY GIRL/BOY" ALIAS (ie, J. Lo): (1st Initial /1st 2 or 3 Letters of Last Name): C Can

7. ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet In Sight /Any Liquid in Kitchen): Gum Ivory

8. DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Fave Baby Animal / Where Went to High School): Penguin Highlands

9. BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate / Favee Alcoholic Drink): Dorito Jack

10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name / Street You 1st Lived): Brady Braden

11. ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Fave Candy / Last Name Of Fave Musician): Caramello Springsteen

12. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (First 2 letters of 1st name & 1st 3 Letters of last name makes your first name. Take the 1st 2 letters of your mother's maiden name and the 1st 3 letters of the city you were born in): ChDun WiDal

2005-10-06T12:25:00.000-05:00

http://voorn.tripod.com/schools.html

TWU isnt covered, but my god, these are funny.

The 5th Sentence of my 23rd Post

2005-10-06T08:31:00.000-05:00

Maybe its because I feel good, really happy, while at work, rarely, and I feel even better BECAUSE I feel good.

Does this mean Im going to be sacrificed at the festival of Samhain, or something?

Halloween's comin

2005-10-04T14:41:00.000-05:00

This is sort of the pattern of the pumpkin I carved on Sunday. Mom have gotten me one of those craft pumpkins (the kind that are foamy material, but you can carve) and a book of patterns. The one I chose was WAY more ornate and complicated than normally I would have chosen, but I figured, heck, if its gonna last forever, why not make something cool?

Seven hours and one swollen hand later, I had my pumpkin. It looks cool, in the right light.

I also hung up a giant spider on the column by our front door, and a giant Bat out in our tree. Having a house is so nice sometimes.

Ah, hitting on teachers

2005-10-03T09:05:00.000-05:00

http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2005/10/03/online

Not being one to learn from other's mistakes, I immediately admit I want to sleep with every woman I know.

Ah, I cant wait

2005-10-03T07:24:00.000-05:00

I hear the views in Seattle are breathtaking.

Uh....

2005-09-30T09:02:00.000-05:00

Headline from MSNBC.com:

Wild gorillas spotted using tools for first time

Now, I've never been one to freak out. But its obvious to me that these new apes (I've dubbed them SUPER APES) are going to be the new rulers of our planet. I'm going to go ahead and bow down before them, and I would advise you all to do the same. I, for one, welcome our new SUPER APE overlords. Bring on the bananas, sirs!

The Problem with Weather

2005-09-29T07:42:00.000-05:00

FINALLY! We got SOME kind of rain/wind! You know, wind is fine on its own, but RAIN is the spice of life (at least it is right now). I swear, when I was walking to my car yesterday and happened to hear the rumble of faraway thunder, I pretty much creamed my pants. So excited was I, that I went home to take a nap.

When I woke up, I realized that the electricity was off. I noticed this because my alarm had been set to wake me at 6:30, and it was now 7, and I had rehearsal literally that minute. I got up, rushed around to put some pants on (i like to nap, but not in work clothes), then head for the door, as my dear mother is freaking out.

"Chris I dont want you goin out! The streetlights arent working!"
"The car has headlights JUST for that purpose, Mother."
"But how will they have rehearsal if the power is out?"
"Mom, we live in a small town, but it isn't Mayberry. Do you think the WHOLE TOWN's power is out?"
"YES!"

As we got to the garage, we stood there arguing, until I finally shut the door.

"Mom, that's it! I HAVE to go! I have to go!"
(I press the garage door opener)
"....I cant go!"

So I didnt get to rehearsal last night until about 8. As the stage manager, I felt kinda stupid. But, at least I had to deal with Mom's panicking. I went out to smoke, and came back in to hear the car running in the garage. I ran out, and sure enough, there was Mom, sitting listening to the radio with the car running and the garage door closed.

"TURN IT OFF! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF!?"
"(turning car off) what do you mean?"
"You cant have the car running with the garage door closed!"
"Why?"
"YOULL DIE, WOMAN."
"Not with the car door open!"

Keep in mind, you dont need to turn the car on completely to run the radio.

But hey, all that aside, I got to wear my cool black jacket this morning. Bring on fall!

Where the hell can I get these suits!?

2005-09-23T11:06:00.000-05:00

The worst thing about idolizing a somewhat obscure star of a musical genre that is hard to identify is there are few times that a concert is very easy to get to. My hero, Chris Isaak, is almost never in town, but rather in Austin, or his native California, or a couple other big cities (take a look at him; you KNOW he plays Vegas).

The BEST thing about it is the kinda thing that happened last night. I came home from rehearsal, and an exhaustive search for gas, and sat down to a dr pepper and 250 cds that needed to be put in my cd bible (it becomes ridiculous to call something that can hold 350 cds a cd "wallet"). I flip around, not expecting to find much, as it is 10 o clock.

Lo and behold, there is a PBS SpotLight concert featuring Chris Isaak. WOOHOO! says I, and settled in for about a half hour of good show.

Aside from the obvious musical taste, I idolize Chris Isaak because he is a SPECTACULAR showman. Wearing sequin jumpsuits has long been laughed at, but good god, he makes it work. He doesnt ever take himself too seriously. Speaking freely with the crowd between songs, he reminds me how much bands like Semisonic suck so much, live. He truly makes the audience feel as if they are there to experience something with him, not to worship him. You can really tell he admires his band (THE SILVERTONES, how cool is that!?) and looks at them as friends as well as mentors. They played good songs, including a few from his Baja Sessions album, a totally acoustic LP that I just bought and am right in the middle of being obsessed with. At one point, I was polishing and applying the weird decal-ey thing to my guitar, and I pulled it up and played along. Ah. How music soothes the savage beast.

My favorite part of the evening, however, was when the bass player and drummer began a riff that you knew was leading somewhere, but you couldnt identify quite where yet. (I love that) Chris steps to the microphone, and makes the following speech:

"Okay....I need everyone here who is with someone they deeply care about to raise their hands...yeah...keep em raised...I need to remember you all so I dont waste my time trying to hit on you after the show...ok, you people at home! There aint no one there with ya, go ahead, take off all your clothes. Its hot in yo house!....dont worry, Im wearing a sequin jumpsuit! That makes me like a government official. Rollie (the bass player), go ahead and step right up to the edge where they can touch ya...Ok, now, people at home....if you got ointment, use it.....now, take your body and just go ahead and press it up against the tv set....feel how cool and comforting that is? Its not a sexual thing, just a comfortable healing thing, between you and me...its just you and me now...."

He then launched into Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing.

I wanna do that someday.

PS: I wont tell the ENTIRE story, but I also remember watching him on Austin City Limits. During one of his little raps, he said the following:

"Now, if you guys really love me, we'll take y'all back to the hotel with us. It never goes quite as smoothly as planned. The first time you wake up spitting out sequins...man that's ROUGH."

Letter of the Day

2005-09-23T07:09:00.000-05:00

Picture this as read by John Cleese

Dear Cretins,I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someonewill call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - w**kers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

2005-09-22T10:46:00.000-05:00

Here's a fact few of you may know. In the past year, my favorite movie has become Love Actually. Shout out that it's girly all you want, but it is some of the most clever and touching writing around. Certainly better than a lot of the more serious films that have come out around it. When I decided to become a film major (long, long ago), it was so I could make movies exactly like this. I always knew my interests as a filmmaker and playwright lay in this area. All I've ever wanted to do as a writer was make people feel what this movie made me feel: the spectrum of emotion. Seems like a tall order now. And I've been able to write lately are scary stories and softcore filth. Bah.

I had seen it before, but I was reminded of Love Actually at a recent get together with Catpants and the Doc. Doc was cooking, as usual, and Catpants and I sat on the couch and had our little girl-talk during the movie. It was then that I realized (and subsequently told Catpants) that romantic comedy, clever, touching, heart wrenching romantic comedy, is the work I want to do as an actor and as a writer. Romantic Comedy is the perfect place to make jokes about anything, but you can also stick in good monologues and whatnot.

All that aside, as the winter approaches, I am left with my normal ACHING for the Christmas Season (it is especially important to me this year, as it will be my last in Texas, for a while anyway). I think I will be reliving this movie a lot, before the season, and during. I invite you to do the same. Its quite brilliant. Below is my favorite quote (on posterboard!), and the result of a quiz from the Love Actually website, www.loveactually.com. Its a quiz that tests your LQ (get it?) and tells you what kind of lover you are. I challenge you ALL to leave your results in my comments.

Mark: [on sheets of poster board] -With any luck, by next year -

-I'll be going out with one of these girls-

-But for now, let me say -

-Without hope or agenda -

-Just because it's Christmas -

-And at Christmas you tell the truth -

-To me, you are perfect -

-And my wasted heart will love you -

-Until you look like this [picture of a mummy]

- Merry Christmas -

MY LQ

The Loyal Lover- You're a Lover you can lean on. Loyal, with a heart of solid gold.

So

2005-09-21T11:09:00.000-05:00

Remember when Jewel was the bohemian, slightly angry, but still cute girl that everyone loved? When she was the kinda messy looking, t-shirt-and-jeans kinda girl? Before she seemed to sell out overnight? I do.

Who will take her place nowadays? Do I even like girls like that anymore? (Yes I do.)

Head Games, by a Foreigner

2005-09-19T10:21:00.000-05:00

Ah, nice weekend. Went out friday, got the car inspected and watched LOST Saturday, rehearsal and drinks with a friend on Sunday. It felt like a long weekend, which is pretty sweet, considering how I have had many multiple day weekends that feel like a one day break. Today, I have NO WILL TO DO ANYTHING. So, I will tell you about the first time I received oral sex.

I was never a terrifically popular youngster with the ladies; I mean, I had a bunch of friends, and all, but I definitely didn't have the active sex life I had this year. Be that as it may, I was always very willing to please my significant other. I think of all of my friends, I was the first to give a girl the old downtown harmonica lesson. I really did like to do it, and still do. Nothing's hotter than bringing a girl to the heights of pleasure. Sometimes ya gotta work for it, but practice hard enough, and you'll get a rep for being talented at it. And, brother, that's the kinda rumor you PRAY gets passed around to as many people as possible.

As willing as I was to do this, I got tired after about three years of "I said you could do what you wanted, but I never agreed to reciprocate." I LOVED doing the Southern Hemisphere A Capella with a SUFI thrown in, but it gets old constantly giving pleasure, yet having to take care of business after you had dropped your girl off and gone home. I mean, I can make up hotter fantasies than THAT (so I thought at the time). So much was I in the piss off area, that I literally cut a girl off one time. (She immediately broke up with me for a basketball-playing VO-Tech student; I later heard tell that he was no great shakes in the sack. Fuck him.)

So it was very special, the night I brought the girl I had been dating for a couple of weeks, Anja, over for "Movie Night". In my house, where I had a tv and vcr combo in my room, along with the largest movie collection known to my circle of friends, also along with a Mom who pretty much left me alone, "Movie Night" was a super code word for "Heavy Petting". She was a pretty lass, with long brown hair and big brown eyes, the eyes connected by what some may call a unibrow, but I prefer to call a "lowered halo". (I have past the point of idiocy in my randomness here, so Ill try to get back on track.) She had what I think to be the perfect body, voluptuous, with curves in all the right places, not too skinny by any means, but not overly heavy, either. Of course, she was embarassed about her body, but think back to YOUR high school years, ladies. Even the most confident of you pulled the "Can we turn the lights off?" Hottest of all, she was from ANOTHER COUNTRY. It slips my mind as to what country it WAS, but she had the accent and all. YOWZA. That still gets me goin. So, as we put in the movie (The Breakfast Club), we had all the little cute high school pre-making out rituals. She would hold my hand, I would put my arm around her, she would kiss my hand, I would kiss the side of her head, yadda yadda. Skip to the main event.

We're going pretty good, making some steam on the old glasses (which I actually wasn't wearing; have you ever tried to kiss passionately with glasses on?) I have her shirt pretty much off, the bra has long been abandoned under my futon, and her jeans are unbuttoned, but not off or anything. I start to head downstairs, where a girl will do one of two things. She will either A: lightly pull you back up, or B: moan and arch her back, giving you the greatest Go Ahead signal EVER. She arched her back, moaned, and said somethng in a language I had never heard before. I took it all in, and decided she was giving me clearance. So, as they say, I went to town. And all was well.

So, after, when her hair was messed up in an adorably sexy way, and my hair was messed up in what I am always sure is a "Have you just been in a pillow fight?" way, she asked me the words every man wants to hear, but few know how to answer. "Now what can I do for you?"

Guys are often thrown out this little catchphrase, and as hot as it is, it always causes me more trouble than needed. You cant really just say ANYTHING that you want. You have to keep it really, really reasonable. If you overshoot, she'll be horrified, and you'll get nothing. If you ask for too little, you'll get what you ask for, but always wonder "Could I have ACTUALLY asked her to shit on my chest like I wanted?"

Remember, I had reached a point of high frustration in my life. So, I ACTUALLY REQUESTED WHAT I WANTED. Of course, in that high school way, so it was, you know "COuld ya.....ya know." Apparently, Anja was from the right country, because she didn't immediately ram a goat up my ass or anything. What she DID do, was get that really hot look young girls get that is half trepidation, half pure excitement. She said, "I never do thees before", and I think I almost lost need for actual contact. But, I was so close to the goal that for me had become the holy grail of sex. Would I actually get this thing, that I had almost begun to believe was only in stories? So, I lay back, she gave me the little pecks down the chest, and it began.

In theory, there is nothing hotter than oral sex. Someone's MOUTH on your Bits and Pieces. It is one of the most intimate and...PRIMATIVE acts I can think of. Very hot to think about.

This was not as hot as I had imagined.

In addition to being a beautiful girl, Anja apparently had a small mouth, which, in my frustration, seemed to be a problem of NOT OPENING FUCKING WIDE ENOUGH. Then, when THAT little hurdle was leapt over, she seemed to grow about 300 more teeth. It was the first time I learned that SHEER FORCE did not always work, even with men. Then, after a bit of coaching, I got her to employ the use of a hand, which, to this date, was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my sexual life. (Quiet down, those of you who know better.) So, this was not the elysium I had envisioned. Right at that moment, a bad thing happened.

In the movie, they got to the part where they are discussing the birdhouses. The line from that scene that always gets me going is "No, you're a GENIUS because you cant build a birdhouse." So, there I sit, a foreign girl with dubious self-esttem's head in my lap, pants around my ankles, surrounded by various underwear, and I get the giggles.

Needless to say, Anja no longer thught of me as "her American boyfriend." Im vaguely sure that in the coming weeks I would have been stabbed by a burly man in a mustache who claimed to be Anja's father for such an insult, but they moved back to wherever they were from. My prowess as a head receiver was never made public. Well, until now.

I can say that I have received oral a few times since then, and a couple of times it was great. Some people REALLY know how to please the person they love. Which is all the reciprocation I could want.

But its funny to think back, and remember. Don't hesistate to ever offer me anything ladies; but if its left up to me, I'll probably pass on the Meat Flute Recital. I would rather just make out.

2005-09-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

You Are Bad Girl Sexy

Girl, you are nothing but trouble. And that's hot.
You've got the classic bad girl sexiness mojo going on.
And you're badass attitude makes men fear you - and crave you.
Don't give into people who say to tone it down. You're perfect as is.

What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Welcome To My Own Hell

2005-09-16T10:48:00.000-05:00

Ok, so, like just about everyone I know, I'm about 3 inches away from setting the building on fire. My patience is running out for the morons I work with, much less the morons that work around me. I don't want to make a big whiny post, but Im going to vent here a bit. Be prepared. You may not care.

*I HATE when people from different departments refuse to acknowledge the world around them. I get this call from someone in Admissions, that goes like this.

THEM: Hi, this is so and so in admissions, calling on behalf of a student. (My anger rises immediately, because students should call for THEMSELVES.)
Me: Ok, whatcha need?
THem: Well, the student needs to send in some test scores. Is there anyway we can get away with just having a fax?
Me: No, it has to be an official copy.
Them: Well, the deadline is tomorrow......what's gonna happen?
Me: .....Doesn't look like they'll make the deadline, huh?
Them: Well...Is there anything we can do?
Me: Yeah, WE can send in OUR stuff on time. I can sit here and forget about this as soon as you hang up.

*I HATE that I work with a person who complains just to complain. SHe's very much the person who thinks its ok for HER to complain, but no one else knows how it is. (which isnt the best way to get on my good side.)

Yesterday, we all got assigned to help on this project that involved putting a book into an envelope. My friend Beth, my best and only non-annoying friend in my department, is in charge of sending out the "Viewbooks", those big pamphlet style things that tell about the University. Because of some BS with our big boss, she ended up getting an order for 8000 yesterday. Keep in mind, that means they have to GO OUT yesterday. SO everyone is assigned to take 4 boxes of 90 each, and put them in envelopes. THats IT. Of course, my crabby coworker, who I will refer to as PAM, is immediately slighted personally.

"When I had that job, we had to send out 8000 Viewbooks EVERY DAY." (Keep in mind, when she had this job, there were 7000 students. Apparently, every student requested 2 new Viewbooks daily.)

"And then, when she had given us all HER work, she took a SMOKE BREAK! Im sorry, you don't hand other people your work and then take a break." As Pam knows, Beth had spent the last hour and a half lugging around literally 100 boxes, all of which weighed upwards of 60 lbs. She also had a fever, having been sick for the past week. Plus, we have assigned smoke breaks now. PLUS, it wasn't BETH's idea to hand all this work to us. The bosses thought we could do it, because we had nothing to do. The whole thing took about two hours to do.

Pam hasnt stopped complaining since. I hate that she can get away with this, just because "She's kinda vocal."(the words of my boss when I complained). You know, not everyone may know this, but Im rather protective of my friends. Every time I hear Pam's grating voice, I want to go in there and shove a stapler.....

*I HATE the cleaning lady. I dont think she's a bad person, but she has been here TWICE this week to vacuum in the middle of the work day.

"Student Records, this is Chris."
"WHAT!?!"
"THIS IS CHRIS!!"
"WHAT!?! ALL I HEAR IS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

Once again, I say something to coworkers about hey, maybe it isnt the best thing for a customer oriented office to not be able to work due to the cleaning people. "Oh she's nice! Leave her alone!"

SHE AINT LEAVING ME ALONE. She was just in here vacuuming my DOORWAY. If this shit doesnt cool down a bit, I may give her a REASON to be up here every other day. (Keep in mind, this is the same cleaning lady who I had to leave my office in the middle of the day for, so she could clean.)

*I HATE being screwed. I had mom call the Pep Boys, to see if they could fix her car horn, which hasnt been working.

PB: Oh yeah, it'll be $85 for the diagnostic to see whats wrong, then Ill be able to tell you how much it'll be to fix the problem.

Me: How much would it be to replace the entire horn assembly, sight unseen?

Pb: $45.

AGH!

The New Math

2005-09-14T13:31:00.000-05:00

+

+

=

Nutcase's Top Five Most Annoying Things I Can Think Of

2005-09-14T13:15:00.000-05:00

5. Buying a special face soap or special care item (OXY, Stridex, Neutrogena Facial Pillows), using it for three days, and immediately getting a zit.

4. Being constantly scrutinized for productivity, and having nothing to do.

3. Having big plans, getting right up the day, and then having them taken away by some unrelated twist of fate.

2. Bad breath, no gum, and the first pretty girl you've seen in days, all in the same room at the same time.

1. Whether or not you have something to say that is REALLY important, some people refusing to listen.

High Times On The New Show

2005-09-13T08:40:00.000-05:00

There is nothing quite like your director asking, "Do you ever partake of the ganja?"

(I did, with he, in front of his 15 year old, who looked particularly bored by the whole thing.)

So, auditions went reasonably well, considering only 18 people showed up for a 40 person show. Im not really sure what we might do, other than make calls and offer parts to strangers. A couple disappointments, however, DID make an appearance. First of all, these auditions were in the new Rehearsal Building. Alls I can say is Eh. I mean, sure, I suppose its great that this company finally has a rehearsal space after whinging about it for so many years, but there's something....less fun about spending time in what used to be an air conditioner supplier building. (Plus, you know, its hard to get the ac in those metal buildings, so it was like 88 degrees in there.)

Also, the hot, cute, or reasonably attractive girl turnout on this show was disgustingly low. Four whole girls showed up; two were over 40, one was under 17, and one left before actually auditioning for undisclosed reasons. (Perhaps she was a lesbian, and took notice of the bleak prospects.) Normally, this girl thing is not that big of a deal, but in a show like this, you're lucky if you're not saddled with the octagenarian set at ALL times. At this point, the best I can hope for is hanging out with the director, and hopefully everyone will bring kids, grandkids, and hot younger friends. Hmph.

But, all my weeping aside, it IS nice to be back in the theatre life. Its been awhile since I sat somewhere and had a long line of people come in and say hello and ask me how I've been (Loophole notwithstanding). Its nice to feel well known and popular. Or at least well known. Or somewhat known.

So, today, after a two day absence that felt both too long and too short, I return to my high rise office in the sky, a determined but carefree look on my face. It occurs to me suddenly that I really really REALLY do not want to work today, and if anything horrible happens, like the phone ringing, I may just SNAP. Prolly not though. I may, however, need to sooth my soul with the steamy sounds of Maroon 5. Who wants to have sex to music?

Random Thoughts from A Local Nutcase

2005-09-08T13:49:00.000-05:00

*I dont know why, but I look and feel like crap today. Perhaps Im not getting enough iron or something, but I woke up sick to my stomach with a headache. And Ive got kinda the "hungover heroin-user" look today. Eyes red, feel bloated and dumpy. I hate to fish for things, but any blowjobs you might give would be appreciated as proof that Im not as repulsive as I feel.

*Scrubs is the best sitcom I have ever purchased DVD's of. (I am not including animated series, here.)

*I learned earlier this week that I can cry on cue. Its weird when you're kinda playing around, acting like you're upset, then laughing and looking the mirror and noticing that you were really crying. Bring on the acting gig in Titanic.

*Despite feeling ugly today, I have felt very "Man on the town" lately. Bring on the chicks, Im back in the saddle.

*Its funny when you order something through your own amazon account for someone else. It screws up your Recommended for You list. I have now been recommended a Martha Stewart Book, a sewing video, and lipstick.

*Its ALSO funny when you order something for someone else, and slip your OWN order in there. My mom will now get a bill (Im not kidding here) for three books and an acoustic guitar.

This just in.....Catpants is a HO BAG

2005-09-06T15:41:00.000-05:00

10 years ago I was: 13, just figuring out how to REALEASE myself without the aid of medical professionals or females of the opposite sex

5 years ago I was: Gearing up to grad-jee-ate high school.

1 year ago I was: In a good relationship, but not knowing where I was going.

Yesterday I was: Bored, stuck at home, on a holiday, with nothing to do

5 snacks I enjoy: beef jerky, chocolate chip cookies, ritz, cheese, sour straws

5 songs I know all the words to: City Love, A Little Respect, One Angry Dwarf (and 200 Solemn Faces), Not Coming Home, You Won't Be Mine

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars: NEVER WORK AGAIN, buy my mom's dream house for her, get my teeth fixed, TWO WORDS: Flying Car, finally get all of the things I want, and still have the energy to use them

5 places I would run away to: Dublin, Seattle, Quebec, the Loophole, the arms of another

5 things I would never wear: capri pants, leather sandals...otherwise, Id wear ANYTHING, if only for a laugh

5 favorite TV shows: Scrubs, The Twilight Zone, LOST, THe Simpsons, MST3K

5 bad habits: Being a dick, complaining about my own shit, smoking (i guess, its all part of my joie de vivre), making innapropriate jokes, letting my emotions rule me

5 favorite toys: PS2, the Kia, work computer, other peoples insecurities, the ladies

5 people I tag to do this: um....this is exactly how all of the tag games in SCHOOL ended.....

Hm.

2005-09-06T10:19:00.000-05:00

Funny. On the days where I get to work at 6 and dont leave until 530, I think I might be willing to trade my big penis for a car.

Not for long, though.

2005-08-31T09:47:00.000-05:00

And yet, I continue to work here. Why? Because I love this place, warts and all. I love working at a college. I love working at a women's college, even though (SEXISM) women are the hardest people to deal with here. (I said it, Id say it again if I had to.) I love working in one of the departments that works orientation, where I can get out of the office and see the new crop of students, and laugh at their foibles. Not least of all, I love working with my two best friends.

Its a nice place to be, our fair school. Granted, I dont really agree with the way things are heading (I never really rally behind The Man coming down hard and fast), but its a beautiful place, and by far the nicest place I've ever been employed (not to mention the ONLY place I have been employed so long). The people are nice (not in MY department, but you know, generally) and the students wear revealing clothes at times (and I have a high window, if you follow me).

So. Up with Boobies, down with The Man, and Long Live My Love for the Environment I Sit In.

(Five minutes later)

Okay, Im ready for Seattle.

State of the University of HELL

2005-08-31T07:49:00.000-05:00

This opening of school address has become a time for me to share with you issues important to the University as a whole and issues important to our school as it relates to higher education in Texas and the nation.

-Namely, how much money will all of these things be giving us?

All that I share today, I want to place inside the frame of Strategic Planning. Many of you know -- others will soon learn -- we are engaged in a 10-year Vision for our school, with a five-year Strategic Plan identifying Goals, Objectives, Targets, and Strategies.

-In other words, why are you glad you are leaving eventually? The world will soon know of my evil plan.

We label them "drafts" because all of us -- Finance and Administration, Student Life, Information Services, Marketing and Communication, and Institutional Development -- will need to adjust our Plans to be sure they support and enhance the Academic Plan that faculty will identify this fall.

- All plans must support The Commonwealth! Crush the opposition! The FACULTY is now in charge! BWAHAHAHAHA!

This Plan will also include a systematic way for our school to engage in Academic Program Review -- a process that we must commit to and then commit to acting upon the recommendations as they serve best the mission of the University.

-Serve the university......serve the university......serve the university.......

Important calendar dates for the Strategic Planning Process include:
June - August 2004: Identify strategic planning goals in areas of: Finance and Administration, Student Life, Information Services, Institutional Development, and Marketing and Communication. Begin academic planning.
September - Mid-October 2005: Identify strategic planning goals in the academic areas.
Mid-October - December 20, 2005: Draft a Strategic Plan.
January 2006: Refine Plan and prepare for printing.
February 24, 2006: Present Strategic Plan to Board of Regents.

-February 25, 2006: Make a single phone call, and call into action dozens of spookers in the highest levels of government and society. Execute Order 66.

We are not starting from scratch. Our School knows itself rather well.

-Do YOU know our school? You'd better hope so, because citizenship in the new world will be granted only to those who can pass a "Standardized Test" after taking my truth serum.

Our task is to:
Focus, so we do not become distracted
Make decisions about directions and stick by them
Involve the University in continuous assessment and improvement
Connect planning to the budget
Better educate the administration, faculty, and staff about their roles and responsibilities and the workings and regulations of a public higher education institution in Texas.

-OFMICB! Memorize it!

Enrollment.
We usually begin this address talking about enrollment. Let's do so again.

-HA! I've talked for close to 400 years, and they still hadn't realized I haven't yet gotten going!

When I arrived in Fall 2000, we declared a war on enrollment.

-With the utilization of a little thing I like to call The Denton Project, we will ensure a final decisive victory against all who oppose us in the third world country of Enrollment. The streets will run red with the blood of insurgent Enrollers!

It is left for us to "close the deal." One fact we have learned together is that the state only pays a university for the students who have enrolled and paid by the 12th day. If you permit someone to stay in your classroom who is not enrolled and not paid, our school teaches that person for free. We cannot afford to do this.

-Require all students to carry a copy of their class schedule, notarized and signed by the governer himself, to class daily. Any students without such documentation will be declared an Enemy of The State University, and will have a five second grace period before they are hunted down by our special team of teacher's assistants, hereafter known as the Stalwart Squad (SS).

Our greatest challenge is to have new and adjunct faculty understand this process. So no matter how sad or emotional the circumstances are regarding a student, all faculty need to call roll each day of the first 2 weeks of school and identify anyone in the classroom who has not paid and have that person correct the situation or leave class.

-Weakness will not be tolerated. You KNOW who Im talking to..... (a man is suddenly dragged out of the room by armed agents)

Our 12th day numbers are the basis of our school's formula funding from the state. For FY 2005, 32% of our total budget was derived from this source. So it is a critical piece of our total resources. As you have seen over the past 3 years, the resources have been reinvested in you, the faculty and in students.

-FUCK THE STAFF!

The staff have not been forgotten.

-Whose heads do you think adorn floor 16 of ACT?

The FY 2006 budget is aggressive and focused on achieving academic excellence.

-Kneel before The Budget!

Before leaving the topic of the budget, I want to stress that not all monies can be spent as we might wish.

-Apparently, some BLEEDING HEARTS in the state capital still think that puppy-skin coats and depleted uranium are "improper" for a University President. (rolls eyes)

What follows are assorted notes from the rest of the speech, which indeed is still going on somewhere on campus in a room that smells of feces and death.

The Guest House, residence of the late "goodwill ambassador," opened to visitors at Homecoming 2005. -Haven't YOU ever wanted to stay in the haunted mansion?
Campus Lighting-- candle light is increased -Our candlelight has decreased SIGNIFICANTLY since the University was opened.
No debate is allowed.
-- one night I awoke with an epiphany - the north side of Halston Hall should do it.-After several months, we have come close to getting a building on campus laid. 40 Year Old Virgin indeed!
The Graduate Research Building must be addressed.-How have people been getting mail there anyway?
we will aggressively continue to renew our campuses. -Renew, dammit! Renew!

-All in all, we cannot rest on our laurels, Countrymen and women! We must FIGHT, DESTROY, KILL these educations like the puling rot they are! Down with Resting! Up with the new Republic of Women!

My Basic Mood today

2005-08-30T11:41:00.000-05:00

2005-08-30T11:25:00.000-05:00

!!!

2005-08-30T11:04:00.000-05:00

FINE! MY seven! Ya jackyls!

2005-08-29T14:32:00.000-05:00

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die
Two Chicks at the same time, man. (not really)
Publish a novel, or, failing that, a collection of short stories
Have a breakdown onstage, during the show
Maybe have that be part of the script
Go to the bathroom 378,958,152,655.4 more times
Find a relationship with a nice, smart, funny girl, who loves me for me
Dump that girl for a model

Seven things I can do
Pitch socks with my dirty parts
recite all the words to Jive Talkin'
lie about my knowledge of BeeGee's songs with a straight face
decide who gets a scholarship amongst student assistants in my office
remember just about every conversation I have for reference later during fights
write the same thing twice
write the same thing twice

Seven things I can not do
see through lead
you know. (nods) I cant do...you know what I mean. Guys...you've tried it. yeah...you know.
get over the cancellation of Firefly
tipe prapeerly:::;;;;
go two fuck words without fuck saying the fuck word penis.
Wear navy socks with black pants and shoes
apparently, think of a reason to take anything too seriously right now

Seven things that I find really attractive about the same sex
sisters
daughters
mothers
grandmothers (i know)
coolness with other men (when they first meet)
coolness with other men (when hes on a date with me)
the ability for me to pretend they have no scrotum

Seven things I say the most
What
The
Fuck
Is
THat
Putrid
SMell?

Seven people I would like to see take this test
My clone
My clone's clone
NOT my clone's clone's clone (I hate that dude)
Sybil
Sybil
Sybil
John Cusack in Identity

Half a Million Bucks

2005-08-29T07:22:00.000-05:00

Well, Nutcase is back in the house. I found out yesterday that I will be Stage Managing (all by myself, a real big boy stage manage) Inherit The Wind, directed by a long lost theatre buddy of mine. Huzzah! Bring on the religion!

For those of you who may not have heard, it is true, Mary and I are no longer together (the irony in that statement gives me ass pains). Its ok, she's still an angel in Orlando, just not MY angel in Orlando. I think the commute just got to be too much for us. But, she's still around, and I still encourage you all to read her blog. http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=memary
Its funny, she's funny, and its good bloggin'.

I will have to say that Nutcase: Year 23 (my twenty-fourth actual year on this planet) has been a tough one. I guess not as tough as high school (lotta hormones) or college (lotta hatred from the roommate, not much sex) but this past year probably had more actual tough problems and horrible happenings. Now, I know I get complainy all too often, and I don't want this to be a pity party. Its just that more than once this year, I have told my good friends Catpants or E3 or Babs or Lestat what has been wrong lately, and they stare in shock that I haven't immediately leapt in front of the nearest team of Clydesdales.

You know, aside from all my problems (even with them), I am the luckiest guy you will ever read a boring blog of angst about. I know that as well as I know my own name (Nutcase). I just...

I know that probably my two closest friends (Catpants and E3, even though if you pay attention to his blog, he doesn't technically exist anymore) would not be able to name a time when I was 100% more happier than I am. I think the difference this year is the amount of time between unhappy moments. This year, its pretty much been cut down to an average of a couple of weeks before something horrible happens. (knock on wood to that one, Im on week two of reasonable straightforwardness; or was last week the week Corky died and I broke up....it was. Rest easy).

But, I have stuff to look forward to. My next sunrise. The next time I see my friends and break bread with them. The next time I do something special and make my mom happy (which happens so rarely, it seems lately). My beautiful life in Seattle, and all the trips that get ready for that. My next pet, and the next time I make a girl smile by being funny(hopefully that last one will happen, you know, within the next lunar cycle, but you get my point). I have so much to be thankful for, much less to look forward to. I love you all, and I seriously hope the tone of this blog hasn't taken on a suicide note quality.

(I know its cheesy of me to always put lyrics on my blogs to show what Im feeling, but fuck ya if ya cant read a Steve Winwood song.)

It used to seem to me
That my life ran on too fast
And I had to take it slowly
Just to make the good parts last
But when you're born to run
It's so hard to just slow down
So don't be surprised to see me
Back in that bright part of town

I'll be back in the high life again
All the doors I closed one time will open up again
I'll be back in the high life again
All the eyes that watched me once will smile and take me in
And I'll drink and dance with one hand free
Let the world back into me
And on I'll be a sight to see
Back in the high life again