Why I Fail

So, I'm not going to be too detailed in my blog today, but I will let you guys in on a little secret.

I will be moving out of my mother's house and staying with friends very soon. Its not because I want to, or because I am abused there, but because my mother has not had a job for almost 6 months, and I cannot afford to support her or all of our possessions anymore. The only way for me to be able to live, much less for me to be able to have any sort of financial future, is to leave mom pretty much in the dust. I hear her plan is to wait for 6 weeks and then move with a friend to Indianapolis, so her friend can help her get back on her feet. (I dont know how she will last for 6 months, though.)

At this point, I am not angry anymore about any of the details of this entire saga. I had been since the beginning (this whole thing was Mom's fault, with no question, and she basically ruined us), but now its worn off into sheer sadness and regret.

So last night, I finally came out and confirmed to my mother that I was leaving, and soon. She never takes these kinds of things well (the last time I mentioned it, she wept and said I was giving up on her). It went alright, though, at least to me. I made it clear it had nothing to do with me being angry, or wanting out. Its just a thing I literally HAVE to do. I also made it a point not to put any blame on her during the conversation. I was talking about this with my closest friends, Catpants and Dr Dex last night. Catpants was astonished that I would not try to get through to her in any fashion, even if its yelling and screaming. I understood, but I told her that she did not have my Mom.

So many times, I have tried to "stand up" to her, and she never actually listens. It all goes into her ear as suggestion and, by the time it reaches her brain, it has turned into preachiness or a personal attack. Nothing ever changes except for the fact that she walks around crying, and I feel like a complete asshole for a week. It seems Ive found the worst way of giving up on someone, but one that is necessary from time to time, I feel: to not make any more arguments, because nothing will change. I'm already leaving, why go through that in the bargain? And it occurred to me that this is a thing I have.

While we were talking last night, we delved deeply into the argument of whether to stand up and fight with someone because of their problems, or just to get used to them. I told Catpants and Dr Dex a true fact, and one that kinda explains my philosophy on relationships (at least part of it).

Catpants and the Doc are my closest friends now, and the only ones CLOSE to them are a couple girls from high school (they read this blog, and know who they are and how much I miss them). Growing up, I HAD no close friends. If some shit went down with someone, whether it be my own or theirs, it would pretty much be the end of that relationship. When I was young, I probably went through more friends than anyone else because none of them were close enough to stay friends through the shit.

So, nowadays, I have about two speeds of friendship: Full On, or Full Stop. (There are exceptions to this rule, but they are very rare and are the result of hard work on my part). If I am Full on with somebody, I will live with their good and bad qualities, and work around them. If I am Full Stop...well, there's no contact whatsoever.

So, I now get ready to leave the person who was most important to me for most of my life, and hope vaguely she can make it without me. I know its not normal, I know its not fair to me, but I still feel like I have failed somewhere along the way. But perhaps that just my Mom in me.