FAKE HEADLINES FROM REAL NEWS STORIES

$100,000 reward for proof of psychic ability. Subjects will be punched in the face and then asked if they saw it coming

Five-year-old summoned for jury duty three times in five years, argues unsuccessfully that the boss is gonna bust his 'nads if he doesn't make his shifts

Robot loses to teenage girl in arm-wrestling contest. Skynet goes back to the drawing board

Castro gives five hour speech on state TV, announces pressure cookers and rice steamers for all, calls world situation "chaotic and hopeless," says goodnight, falls down the stairs

Mark McGwire declines "invitation" to testify before Congress over steroids. Look for Congress to come high and inside with the ol' split-fingered congressional subpoena

Vendor falls critically ill after attempting to prove that her food did not cause the food poisoning that killed 26 children. In other news, I'm not eating in the Phillipines. Ever

Conman brags about ID theft scam on national TV. Will emerge from jail in four years with an ass like a wizard's sleeve

Knife-wielding man bursts into dormitory, screams out demand for money. Apparently didn't see the sign outside that said "Police Dormitory"

University "rocked" by plagiarism. In other news, Liberace wore sparkly things

British tourist escapes Great White in South Africa. Police still on the lookout for Dokken, Poison

Store dismayed as the police officer they hired for professional security goes Barney Fife on them

Town whose only pharmacy refuses to stock condoms or morning-after pill surprised by high rate of teen pregnancy

Can a light saber cut through adamantium? Discuss

Is our children getting dumber?

And finally:

Bad: your new sex doll turns itself on at random times. Worse: it turns itself on at the post office while you're trying to return it. Worser: this causes a bomb scare