Letters I will never send

Dear Person Who Scans The Files Onto Acorde,
When you scan EVERY GD PAGE as a separate document, it takes three years to print this bitch out. What say we try to cut short my stupid sitting-here-waiting-for-crap-to-print time? I mean, I know you have a very hard job (put shit in the scanner, press start, wait, take stuff off scanner) but maybe have some consideration?

Dear Stapler,
I swear if you dont straighten up I will start using an electric stapler and never be able to get staples out of anything. You are not long for this world. Soon I will mold you into jello.

Dear Staple-Remover,
You better talk to stapler. I think I hurt his feelings.

Dear White-Out Dispenser,
YOU'D better pay attention to what I told stapler as well, but only because the same goes for you.

Dear Lady Who Comes in Our Office (seemingly just to talk to the boss),
It aint 1963. Get a new style, darling.