The worst of my yesterdays, and the saddest of my tomorrows

What are you gonna do, I ask? When the girl you love, the girl you are supposed to marry breaks your heart into a million pieces, what are you SUPPOSED to do? I went out and got blatheringly drunk.

Saturday night, in an effort to feel better, I agreed to go hang out with my best friend from high school, Beth. We had a great time (Beth and her daughter are beautiful, and Beth's husband is as funny as he was the first time I met him), but I guess I was pushed over the edge as far as drnking is concerned. I kept drinking and kept feeling bad, so, MORE DRINKING! Eventually, it was 3:30 and I needed to go home. (Drunk, of course.) There is the perfect example of my mood since last Tuesday. Self destruction at its finest. On the way home, I messaged Kylie, in a fit of horrible depression, and said "I miss and love you. Why can't we be together?" I got home (I would say by the grace of God, but we are not speaking).

Not to be overdramatic, but Sunday was probably the worst day of my life so far. I woke up feeling like I ate bad tunafish, and had hit myself in the head with a sharp carving implement. I woke up at 9, and had the kind of hangover where you cant even go back to sleep, your head hurts so actively. I tossed and turned (Each time getting nauteous) until about 10, when I received Kylie's reply message. "Its going to be alright, I miss and love you also, but I know this was the right thing now. Ill continue prayers.:)" At this point I sank lower, low enough to go to sleep. I dreamt horrible nightmares of us having huge fights, and breaking up, of never getting to see her again. When I woke up, I realized all of these might as well be true. We had broken up, and the worst thing was that she was not even talking about it like it was temporary. I may as well have walked away from her, because if you listen to the way she puts things, its over. SO, when I woke up, it was 2:30, and I decided it was time to get better. I marched (slowly) to the bathroom and made myself throw up. (If you are in the market for a horrible psychological problem, I recommend bulimia. There is nothing more self-humiliating.)

So, I spent the rest of the day in bed, in my increasingly messy room (even though she didn't live with me (GOD FORBID, or forbade!), the place was really messy as soon as she was gone).

I lay for most of the day in my own filth, then got up and threw up again, then spent several hours on the john (apparently, the pizza we had had last night didnt sit well at all). Around 6 or so, Mom knocks on my door and asks if Im just tired or if I mean to ignore her. (Always good for sensitivity, is my mom.) It wasnt until bedtime that night when I realized what I was waiting for. There was a time when I could be sick and someone would call and see what I was doing, or why I hadnt talked to them. That time is passed. Kylie could now go several days without hearing a word from me, and be fine. I have about a thousand friends, and they all act as if they love me, but I had never felt more lonely than I did this moment. I wanted to cry all day, and then all night (no sleep), but for some reason, my tear ducts have closed down during this entire debacle. I dont know why, and it makes me all the sadder for some reason.

Part of my problem is the way we broke up. I have to say if she had said I dont like you, I would have been upset, but understanding (I HATE me!). The way it is now..... We have had, like, one conversation since this whole thing. In it, I kept trying to make her see what I saw, that we should be together. It doesnt help when she keeps throwing out phrases like "The One True God" and "He died for us." Its upsetting, first of all, because am I to believe Jesus died for my sins, so I should let him have my girlfriend in return? Seems silly. Also, because it is not an argument I can win, if my argument is to go against god. Im not that good of a boyfriend.

I realize that thousands of people go through this worse everyday. Im not the first to write a sad song. And I also know that Ill get over it one day. But the saddest thing I have ever heard myself say is "I wish it was later so I could forget her."

The other day, someone asked if I hated her for this. I wish with all my heart that I did.