I'm FINE, not Alright

Sorry to all of those kinda halfway readers, this blog may seem long. Sorry to everyone, because this blog will use a lot of analogies and metaphors. Oh, and sorry to me, because this may seem losery.

Ok, so this week I had a bit of a breakdown. Both at home and at work. There were a couple of panic attacks, a few unreasonably angry moments, times of pure depression, and to be sure, a few hours of carefree happiness. There was at least one instance this week when I declared I needed my meds (even though I have never been on mind-altering drugs, unless you count St John’s Wort during my horrible, terrible early teenage years). I know that maybe a couple of you have noticed, Catpants in particular, that my tenuous hold on my (for lack of a better word) sanity was kinda slippin’.

I tell you what…..have any of you seen Garden State? I know at least one of you has. It deals with a young actor who decides to stop taking his lithium on the occasion of his mother’s death. I sort of feel like that; I feel like I have been in a mind-numbing state for the past 10 months, and now I have to wake up and get my life back together. Before, it was very much a situation where I could live with doing nothing, because to be awake I would have to talk to that person every few hours at least. Also, having a steady or fiancé or whatever means having a guaranteed date on whatever day you generally wish. Whether that means a fancy dinner at sizzler, or a night home of snuggling and perhaps sleep. My mind and heart would not have to live and grow if I have someone there who is not growing either. And, to be absolutely morbid, I was naïve enough to think that made it great.

Now, I don’t want this to sound like an ex bashing session. The only thing I can really be angry at her for is how (and why) we split. Anything else is my own fault for not paying attention enough. So I’m not blaming her AT ALL for any of this, because I DEFINITELY don’t want to go back there. I just stumbled a bit while running to get back to ME.

I have to give the utmost admiration for a few of you, Babs in particular, who have gotten back to themselves after a marriage, or a longer-than-mine courtship, or ANYTHING, because going through this is tough. I really don’t mean to sound down-on-myself, or that MY problems are larger than anyone else’s. But there it is.

While I’m handing out compliments, Catpants, as always, you are helping me through this more than you know.
And also, thanks and I’m sorry to everyone, for me being kinda desperate sounding and losery. I’ve bought a George Jones cd, and plan to work my way through this as manly as possible.

PS: I went to wal-mart last night and bought a couple of new shirts. I feel very stylish, which can make all the difference.