State of the University of HELL

This opening of school address has become a time for me to share with you issues important to the University as a whole and issues important to our school as it relates to higher education in Texas and the nation.

-Namely, how much money will all of these things be giving us?

All that I share today, I want to place inside the frame of Strategic Planning. Many of you know -- others will soon learn -- we are engaged in a 10-year Vision for our school, with a five-year Strategic Plan identifying Goals, Objectives, Targets, and Strategies.

-In other words, why are you glad you are leaving eventually? The world will soon know of my evil plan.

We label them "drafts" because all of us -- Finance and Administration, Student Life, Information Services, Marketing and Communication, and Institutional Development -- will need to adjust our Plans to be sure they support and enhance the Academic Plan that faculty will identify this fall.

- All plans must support The Commonwealth! Crush the opposition! The FACULTY is now in charge! BWAHAHAHAHA!

This Plan will also include a systematic way for our school to engage in Academic Program Review -- a process that we must commit to and then commit to acting upon the recommendations as they serve best the mission of the University.

-Serve the university......serve the university......serve the university.......

Important calendar dates for the Strategic Planning Process include:
June - August 2004: Identify strategic planning goals in areas of: Finance and Administration, Student Life, Information Services, Institutional Development, and Marketing and Communication. Begin academic planning.
September - Mid-October 2005: Identify strategic planning goals in the academic areas.
Mid-October - December 20, 2005: Draft a Strategic Plan.
January 2006: Refine Plan and prepare for printing.
February 24, 2006: Present Strategic Plan to Board of Regents.

-February 25, 2006: Make a single phone call, and call into action dozens of spookers in the highest levels of government and society. Execute Order 66.

We are not starting from scratch. Our School knows itself rather well.

-Do YOU know our school? You'd better hope so, because citizenship in the new world will be granted only to those who can pass a "Standardized Test" after taking my truth serum.

Our task is to:
Focus, so we do not become distracted
Make decisions about directions and stick by them
Involve the University in continuous assessment and improvement
Connect planning to the budget
Better educate the administration, faculty, and staff about their roles and responsibilities and the workings and regulations of a public higher education institution in Texas.

-OFMICB! Memorize it!

Enrollment.
We usually begin this address talking about enrollment. Let's do so again.

-HA! I've talked for close to 400 years, and they still hadn't realized I haven't yet gotten going!

When I arrived in Fall 2000, we declared a war on enrollment.

-With the utilization of a little thing I like to call The Denton Project, we will ensure a final decisive victory against all who oppose us in the third world country of Enrollment. The streets will run red with the blood of insurgent Enrollers!

It is left for us to "close the deal." One fact we have learned together is that the state only pays a university for the students who have enrolled and paid by the 12th day. If you permit someone to stay in your classroom who is not enrolled and not paid, our school teaches that person for free. We cannot afford to do this.

-Require all students to carry a copy of their class schedule, notarized and signed by the governer himself, to class daily. Any students without such documentation will be declared an Enemy of The State University, and will have a five second grace period before they are hunted down by our special team of teacher's assistants, hereafter known as the Stalwart Squad (SS).

Our greatest challenge is to have new and adjunct faculty understand this process. So no matter how sad or emotional the circumstances are regarding a student, all faculty need to call roll each day of the first 2 weeks of school and identify anyone in the classroom who has not paid and have that person correct the situation or leave class.

-Weakness will not be tolerated. You KNOW who Im talking to..... (a man is suddenly dragged out of the room by armed agents)

Our 12th day numbers are the basis of our school's formula funding from the state. For FY 2005, 32% of our total budget was derived from this source. So it is a critical piece of our total resources. As you have seen over the past 3 years, the resources have been reinvested in you, the faculty and in students.

-FUCK THE STAFF!

The staff have not been forgotten.

-Whose heads do you think adorn floor 16 of ACT?

The FY 2006 budget is aggressive and focused on achieving academic excellence.

-Kneel before The Budget!

Before leaving the topic of the budget, I want to stress that not all monies can be spent as we might wish.

-Apparently, some BLEEDING HEARTS in the state capital still think that puppy-skin coats and depleted uranium are "improper" for a University President. (rolls eyes)

What follows are assorted notes from the rest of the speech, which indeed is still going on somewhere on campus in a room that smells of feces and death.

The Guest House, residence of the late "goodwill ambassador," opened to visitors at Homecoming 2005. -Haven't YOU ever wanted to stay in the haunted mansion?
Campus Lighting-- candle light is increased -Our candlelight has decreased SIGNIFICANTLY since the University was opened.
No debate is allowed.
-- one night I awoke with an epiphany - the north side of Halston Hall should do it.-After several months, we have come close to getting a building on campus laid. 40 Year Old Virgin indeed!
The Graduate Research Building must be addressed.-How have people been getting mail there anyway?
we will aggressively continue to renew our campuses. -Renew, dammit! Renew!

-All in all, we cannot rest on our laurels, Countrymen and women! We must FIGHT, DESTROY, KILL these educations like the puling rot they are! Down with Resting! Up with the new Republic of Women!