Head Games, by a Foreigner

Ah, nice weekend. Went out friday, got the car inspected and watched LOST Saturday, rehearsal and drinks with a friend on Sunday. It felt like a long weekend, which is pretty sweet, considering how I have had many multiple day weekends that feel like a one day break. Today, I have NO WILL TO DO ANYTHING. So, I will tell you about the first time I received oral sex.

I was never a terrifically popular youngster with the ladies; I mean, I had a bunch of friends, and all, but I definitely didn't have the active sex life I had this year. Be that as it may, I was always very willing to please my significant other. I think of all of my friends, I was the first to give a girl the old downtown harmonica lesson. I really did like to do it, and still do. Nothing's hotter than bringing a girl to the heights of pleasure. Sometimes ya gotta work for it, but practice hard enough, and you'll get a rep for being talented at it. And, brother, that's the kinda rumor you PRAY gets passed around to as many people as possible.

As willing as I was to do this, I got tired after about three years of "I said you could do what you wanted, but I never agreed to reciprocate." I LOVED doing the Southern Hemisphere A Capella with a SUFI thrown in, but it gets old constantly giving pleasure, yet having to take care of business after you had dropped your girl off and gone home. I mean, I can make up hotter fantasies than THAT (so I thought at the time). So much was I in the piss off area, that I literally cut a girl off one time. (She immediately broke up with me for a basketball-playing VO-Tech student; I later heard tell that he was no great shakes in the sack. Fuck him.)

So it was very special, the night I brought the girl I had been dating for a couple of weeks, Anja, over for "Movie Night". In my house, where I had a tv and vcr combo in my room, along with the largest movie collection known to my circle of friends, also along with a Mom who pretty much left me alone, "Movie Night" was a super code word for "Heavy Petting". She was a pretty lass, with long brown hair and big brown eyes, the eyes connected by what some may call a unibrow, but I prefer to call a "lowered halo". (I have past the point of idiocy in my randomness here, so Ill try to get back on track.) She had what I think to be the perfect body, voluptuous, with curves in all the right places, not too skinny by any means, but not overly heavy, either. Of course, she was embarassed about her body, but think back to YOUR high school years, ladies. Even the most confident of you pulled the "Can we turn the lights off?" Hottest of all, she was from ANOTHER COUNTRY. It slips my mind as to what country it WAS, but she had the accent and all. YOWZA. That still gets me goin. So, as we put in the movie (The Breakfast Club), we had all the little cute high school pre-making out rituals. She would hold my hand, I would put my arm around her, she would kiss my hand, I would kiss the side of her head, yadda yadda. Skip to the main event.

We're going pretty good, making some steam on the old glasses (which I actually wasn't wearing; have you ever tried to kiss passionately with glasses on?) I have her shirt pretty much off, the bra has long been abandoned under my futon, and her jeans are unbuttoned, but not off or anything. I start to head downstairs, where a girl will do one of two things. She will either A: lightly pull you back up, or B: moan and arch her back, giving you the greatest Go Ahead signal EVER. She arched her back, moaned, and said somethng in a language I had never heard before. I took it all in, and decided she was giving me clearance. So, as they say, I went to town. And all was well.

So, after, when her hair was messed up in an adorably sexy way, and my hair was messed up in what I am always sure is a "Have you just been in a pillow fight?" way, she asked me the words every man wants to hear, but few know how to answer. "Now what can I do for you?"

Guys are often thrown out this little catchphrase, and as hot as it is, it always causes me more trouble than needed. You cant really just say ANYTHING that you want. You have to keep it really, really reasonable. If you overshoot, she'll be horrified, and you'll get nothing. If you ask for too little, you'll get what you ask for, but always wonder "Could I have ACTUALLY asked her to shit on my chest like I wanted?"

Remember, I had reached a point of high frustration in my life. So, I ACTUALLY REQUESTED WHAT I WANTED. Of course, in that high school way, so it was, you know "COuld ya.....ya know." Apparently, Anja was from the right country, because she didn't immediately ram a goat up my ass or anything. What she DID do, was get that really hot look young girls get that is half trepidation, half pure excitement. She said, "I never do thees before", and I think I almost lost need for actual contact. But, I was so close to the goal that for me had become the holy grail of sex. Would I actually get this thing, that I had almost begun to believe was only in stories? So, I lay back, she gave me the little pecks down the chest, and it began.

In theory, there is nothing hotter than oral sex. Someone's MOUTH on your Bits and Pieces. It is one of the most intimate and...PRIMATIVE acts I can think of. Very hot to think about.

This was not as hot as I had imagined.

In addition to being a beautiful girl, Anja apparently had a small mouth, which, in my frustration, seemed to be a problem of NOT OPENING FUCKING WIDE ENOUGH. Then, when THAT little hurdle was leapt over, she seemed to grow about 300 more teeth. It was the first time I learned that SHEER FORCE did not always work, even with men. Then, after a bit of coaching, I got her to employ the use of a hand, which, to this date, was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my sexual life. (Quiet down, those of you who know better.) So, this was not the elysium I had envisioned. Right at that moment, a bad thing happened.

In the movie, they got to the part where they are discussing the birdhouses. The line from that scene that always gets me going is "No, you're a GENIUS because you cant build a birdhouse." So, there I sit, a foreign girl with dubious self-esttem's head in my lap, pants around my ankles, surrounded by various underwear, and I get the giggles.

Needless to say, Anja no longer thught of me as "her American boyfriend." Im vaguely sure that in the coming weeks I would have been stabbed by a burly man in a mustache who claimed to be Anja's father for such an insult, but they moved back to wherever they were from. My prowess as a head receiver was never made public. Well, until now.

I can say that I have received oral a few times since then, and a couple of times it was great. Some people REALLY know how to please the person they love. Which is all the reciprocation I could want.

But its funny to think back, and remember. Don't hesistate to ever offer me anything ladies; but if its left up to me, I'll probably pass on the Meat Flute Recital. I would rather just make out.