What happened to us, CSI?

Dear CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,

What happened to us? We used to be the tightest friends around. I would watch you every week, if not religiously, than at least with a healthy dab of interest. I bought your dvd's, all the way up to Season 4. I even enjoyed helping a former girlfriend with Forensics homework using knowledge I learned from you.

Nowadays, we are like two ships passing in the night. I'm never home to watch you, it seems. When I do make the rare appearance at home on a Thursday night, and I manage to be in front of the TV, you are either no on at all, or you are repeating the one episode I have seen all season (the one with the guy who dresses like a baby).

Oh, I hear you are doing well in my absence. People won't stop telling me (as if they know we an item) about the episode directed by Tarantino, where young, hunky Nick gets kidnapped. You know, I'm a little hurt that I have expressed interest in seeing that episode, and you have yet to be nice enough to show it to me.

I know it's partially my fault that we have drifted apart, but dammit, we should both try to be big people here. Or, I should be a big person, you should be a big syndicated show.

Speaking of syndication, I see you, every once in a while, late at night when I come home from drinking at a bar alone. I suppose I could sit and watch you then, on a dark, cold saturday night, when we both should be seeking comfort with each other. But I think it cheapens what we had to sit and revisit the old times like that.

I miss you CSI, and I wish I knew how to fix this. Maybe Greg should get back into the lab. Maybe Ecklie should turn back into a sleazeball. Or maybe Grissom's team should be united again. No matter what, I see no return of the salad days, as they say. I am sorry, and I wish you well.

Nutcase

PS: I also wanted to mention, that I have been seeing Scrubs off and on for a few years. Its time to stop the lying.

The Best Valentine's Present Ever

If there werent enough reasons to Love White Castle (with their tiny burgers exploding with flavor, and also, the movie Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecastle), you now have another.

Whitecastle is bringing back the Valentine's Day Candlelight Dinner. Advertised are a romantically enhanced atmosphere and a slightly shifted fancier menu.

I cannot help but submit to you that this would be a great way to spend Valentine's Day. Lets be serious here. You know what sucks ass? Taking your Valentine to a fancy restaurant, shelling out assloads of money, both of you being uncomfrotable meanwhile, then not having enough money to take her to finally see Brokeback Mountain. Fancy restaurants can kiss my ass.

Laugh at me if you must. Point out the fact that I will have no Valentine. Or, you can point out the fact that the nearest Whitecastle Restaurant is in St. Louis. (If anything, I will buy someWhitecastle Frozen Burgers and eat at home alone.) I will stand up yet, and preach this evangel: Be kind to your Valentine. Buy them flowers, candy, and an assload of Slyder Burgers.

Fuckin' A.

Nerd Time: Extinct creatures, The Giant Squid, and Every Boy's Dream

A few news stories from today that peaked my science interest. (Few people know this, but I was sent to a science and math conference when I was 7 or 8. It was the coolest thing I had done up to that point, and, had we had the money, I would have either moved on to Space Camp or some marine-life camp. From there, it would have been the stars, baby.)

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/01/26/fossil.archosaur.reut/index.html

Apparently, a rare skeleton was found of a two-legged, erect-walking crocodile creature in the basement of New York's Museum of Natural History. Can you think of any cooler place to explore? They find shit like this, and Im left wondering where The Crate from Creepshow is. WHO KNOWS what is down there.

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20060126/octopus_bc_060126/20060126?hub=Canada

A giant octopus made a rare appearance when it attacked a remote controlled submarine last fall. Now, the story itself may be pretty boring, even to my standards, but the idea of a giant anything is pretty fun. Having not been to any Natural History Museums (that arent the Science Place), I couldnt tell you what its like to stand next to a replica of a blue whale, the largest mammal on earth. Its gotta be pretty cool though. I mean, obviously, we are obsessed with giant creatures, or we were, when Kong and Godzilla ruled the box office.

www.nasa.gov
Today is Nasa's Day of Remembrance, honoring the fallen astronauts of Apollo 1, the Challenger, and the Columbia. Is there anyone here who never wanted to be an astronaut? (Dont talk to me then, because you are weird.) I could go on and on about my obsession with space exploration, but Ive already done that, so I'll just leave it at this rare preachy-sounding thought: Imagine doing something terribly dangerous and exciting, and leaving your parents and family at home worrying about the worst. And then the worst happens, with no happy endings, no last minute rescues. THAT is what these people gave. I'm not trying to put death itself into perspective, just the thought that for some, being remembered is not as good as being alive with loved ones. I have such respect for these astronauts, and the hundreds of astronauts no one will ever hear about again, because that is what they risk. Space is our greatest frontier, both because it is the most interesting and large, but also because we cannot even get there without brave ones who dare to "touch the face of God." Ok, Im done now.

Anyhow, get your nerd on today. Im declaring it Science Appreciation Day.

I Am Legend

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Local Nutcase!
1.Local Nutcase has little need for water and is capable of going for months without drinking at all!
2.Local Nutcase is the world's tallest woman.
3.Czar Paul I banished Local Nutcase to Siberia for marching out of step!
4.Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat Local Nutcase'!
5.In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become Local Nutcase on New Year's Day.
6.If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill Local Nutcase!
7.Local Nutcase is the world's smallest mammal!
8.Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14, and Local Nutcase has 7!
9.Originally, Local Nutcase could not fly!
10.Forty percent of the world's almonds and twenty percent of the world's peanuts are used in the manufacture of Local Nutcase!

The Flashiest of Flashes

Yeah, Im kinda tired of looking at David Lee Roth, too. I will be back soon to regale you with another thought-provoking and hilarious blog soon. Let me catch up on some work.

Just A Gigolo

So I've listened to David Lee Roth the past few mornings. (As you may know Diamond Dave replaced Howard Stern on most talk and rock stations on the east coast and here in DFW.) After listening a couple days (and being a Roth fan since I was about 4) I feel I can comment.

First of all, I think David Lee Roth would work on the radio. I wouldn't necessarily put him at the forefront of a show, but picture those radio shows and sitcoms where one of the main people is a star from the past. Remember on "Its Like...You Know", when Jennifer Gray played herself? INSTANT COMEDY. Or, in keeping with the radio beat, wouldn't Adam Carolla's morning show (on the west coast) kick ass if one of his side kicks was the lead singer from the best rock band of the late 70s-early 80s? Its no doubt that David Lee Roth would have interesting things to say, if not about today, than about yesterday. For god's sake, I just saw an online survey asking who the biggest gigolo was: David Lee Roth, or Yoda. David Lee Roth could add something to ANY show.

Unfortunately, he's the only one who adds ANYTHING to his own show. I don't know who his sidekicks are. I have suspicions that they are a gruff guitar player (literally playing in the studio with a backup band) and some sort of producer type person (named Robin; what the hell?) In any case, they have no radio personality. It always sounds like they are on valium and talking through a mouthful of marshmallows.

Typical show moment:

David: No, I never cheated on anyone I was seriously dating. What about you, Animal?
Animal: murmermurmermurmermurmer. (lightly plays rockabilly riff)
David: Well, Robin, who we got on the phone?
Robin: (insane monotone) Humans good food.

Anyhow, I think if you are a big fan, its worth a listen on the commute. I'm betting come the next ratings quarter, they'll be wondering why they gave one of the most listened-to time slots on at least four of the largest markets in the country to a dude who's barely done radio before. Which is a shame, I think, because, most important of all, David Lee Roth sang Hot For Teacher. And nobody can take that away from him.

A couple of things

*I was just listening to the song Satellite of Love by U2, from their One album. Are we to sit here and listen to this like its not the name of the ship from MST3K?

*I heard an ad this morning for a local upper-echelon strip club this morning. They were advertising a new sports viewing room, free of interruption. Do you see a bunch of guys sitting around and saying, "Boy, these $8 beers are good, but what's with all these naked girls mincing about? Cant we watch football without these interruptions!?"

My Semi-Weekly Offensive Comment

What Im about to say is not the opinion of me or anyone else, just something I found funny. If you want, protest my blog, or send me angry mail (I love correspondence). This is one of those things where if you dont get it immediately, you probably wont know what Im talking about.

So, I was reading a couple of female bloggers at each others throats for the past couple weeks. It was very funny to sit back, and think about how people say that Men are the most vindictive and violent and angry of the sexes. When is the last time you saw two guys get in a seemingly-decade-long, extremely hurtful blog-war?

Just something to consider.

Bitches.

Superman Watch Continues

In honor of my desperately awaiting Superman Returns to come out (this summer, you'll believe a man can fly.....again), here are some interesting facts about Superman, or, more specifically, the Superman movies.

*Christopher Reeve took some criticism for his portrayal of Clark Kent (Superman's alter ego) as a weak, bumbling nerd. This characterization (which he said was based on a younger Cary Grant), in Reeve's opinion, was necessary because he felt that there had to be some kind of a difference between Superman and Clark Kent, otherwise "it's just the same guy in glasses".

* Superman 4: The failure of this film at the box office prompted the Cannon Group Inc, to cancel a planned production of "Spiderman".

*The development of the best method to show Superman flying was a long period of experimentation. The methods attempted included simply catapulting a dummy into the air, a remote control model airplane painted as the character and simply animating the flying sequences. The producers settled for a combination of back projection and specially designed zoom lenses that could create the illusion of movement by zooming in on Christopher Reeve while making the back projection appear to recede.

*Clark Kent's and Superman's hair part on opposite sides.

*Marlon Brando received $4 million for his ten minutes on screen. After suing the production company for trying to use footage of him in Superman II, the footage was cut out. But, Because of the nature of the lawsuit, he still received royalties for his performance in Superman II (which never took place).

*Christopher Reeve dubbed all of Jeff East's dialogue as young Clark Kent due to the perceived discrepancy in their voices so as to maintain on-screen continuity. East himself is never heard during the film.

*Numerous actors tested for the part of Superman/Clark Kent: Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Bronson, 'Kris Kristofferson' , and even Ilya Salkind's wife's dentist (footage of the dentist testing for the part of Superman can, in fact, be seen in the supplemental section of the DVD). Eventually, the Salkinds cast an almost unknown actor they kept coming back to from earlier in their search - Christopher Reeve (who had only one other film and a TV soap opera to his credit).

*Marlon Brando refused to memorize most of his lines in advance. In the scene where he puts infant Kal-El into the escape pod, he was actually reading his lines from the diaper of the baby.

*Marlon Brando reputedly suggested that his cameo role as Jor-El be done by him in voice over only, with the character's image onscreen being a glowing, levitating green bagel. Unsure if Brando was joking or not, the film's producers formally rejected the suggestion.

*Marlon Brando had evidently gone crazy at this point.

*Initially, Gene Hackman refused to cut off his mustache to play Lex Luthor. In early one-sheets of the movie his face is featured with a mustache. Before Richard Donner and Hackman met face-to-face, Donner proposed to Hackman that if he would cut his mustache, Donner would cut his too, and Hackman agreed. It turned out later that Donner did not have a mustache at all.

*Apparently, really great classic actors are all assholes.

*The technique Richard Pryor's character uses in Superman III to steal money from his company, where he collects very little money (in this case decimals of a cent) from other accounts and aggregates them in his personal account, is called "salami technique" in computer crime terminology.

* Superman III marked the first time Christopher Reeve was given top billing in a Superman movie. For the first film he was behind Marlon Brando and Gene Hackman; for the second he was only behind Hackman.

THREE DAY WEEKEND IS COMING.

Some girls you just never get over.

Back to you, It always comes around
Back to you, I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late
Over you, I'm never over
Over you, Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
And I quit every game I play
But forgive me, love
I can't turn and walk away
This way

Back to you, It always comes around
Back to you, I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you could not do

Leave the light on,I'll never give up on you,
Leave the light on,For me too, for me too

Back to me, I know that it comes
Back to me, Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be

From the Hostel (starting today!) website

I am worth $1,966,398 on HumanForSale.com

www.hostelfilm.com

A New Year, and A New Age, and I Guess Im Still Me

So, Happy 2006, everybody.

Sorry I have been so long...I hate to fall back on the "Life has been tough" excuse, but dammit, Life keeps raising the bar. Im still here, though.

Anyhow, I turned 24. Special thanks to Beth, Dr Dexter, and Catpants, for making it ring in extra special. I know Ive talked about it before, but having the birthday of December 28th makes it very hard to have a kickass time. So did other things, but my friends made me feel special. (However, the new waitstaff at the loophole did not. More on that in a sec.)

Also, I had a SPLENDID New Years Eve with a bunch of friends, including two of my high school buddies (hereafter referred to as "THE SARAHS") whom I had not seen very much in, like, 4 years. LH Forever! (Thank god its not so.;)) Except for a few minor indiscretions (I got a hickey that pissed me off WAY more than it excited me), it was a wild time. The Dr might be a bit regretful about some of the nights events, but I felt, again, loved and special. The Sarahs kept going on about how great my friends were. At one point, someone was trying to get me to come to their party, and said "Come on, my whole family is here!" I looked in the window to my party, and happily said "Mine is here."

Since then, not much has been up. I have been trudging through what I MUST call the hardest time in my life (which I know I have said before), but as I say, the kid ain't thrown in the towel yet. And no plans to. I also got bed-riddenly ill the past couple days, but that may not be as exciting to you as it was to me. Suffice it to say, Im glad to be back in the world today.

I love all of my readers, and all of my friends, and I wish everyone a Happy New Year and remind you all that I am now 24.

But, I would be remiss if I did not give a funny story and a new complaint for 2006.

First, the complaint. During December, I rated a bunch of Xmas songs on my Launchcast Player. They are still playing. Its already hard enough to get the song you want played (I have been waiting for a song from Del Amitri to play for four months), but now I got a bunch of Xmas crap going on as well. Dammit!

So, on my birthday, I was at the loophole, like I mentioned before. When the waitress came over, I said, "Hey, its my birthday, dont I get a free shot?" She said "Yeah!" And promptly walked away, while I futiley tried to get it ordered. I later found out that you can no longer order the shot you want, and there is now a STANDARD BIRTHDAY SHOT. What was it? Jager. Pretty hardcore. I did it, but DAMN.