Darkness Surrounds

By the way, Ive pretty much started posting my blogs on Myspace. I only keep this one because I have 2 years of blogs on it.

So, I have been down lately. "Whats new?" you might ask, with a heavy sarcastic tone. God, I hate you. Whats new is that I normally dont get to the point where Im losing my faith. These are the things getting me down (in no particular order).

*I hate money.*I hate cars, and the fact that we need them here.*I hate feeling stupid. I hate making mistakes.*I hate not knowing whats going on in my love life. I was telling a friend earlier this week, its fine when I dont really care. When I dont care, I act all non-chalant, which for some reason seems attractive to some girls. When I really care, either about the relationship or about the person, I tend to lose all coolness, and become this blithering idiot about women, who knows nothing, and has no sensitivity towards what people might be thinking.

So yeah. As per usual, I have had a few happy moments mixed in here. Things are not all bad. But I was ranting to myself the other night:

How can my friends and I make it in this world when this world and the fate which resides in it seems stacked against us? How can we rise above, and become the people we want to be, if we....CANT? It seems to me that everyone who has made it to some level of success has been born into it somehow. All of my friends are the best people I can think of. Beautiful, caring, smart, funny people. And I see them shit on, day in, day out. I weep (figuratively) for my friend's luck sometimes. Even moreso than my own. If ANYONE deserves a break in life, its my friends. But no. We are fucked in every way, at least monthly.

I know this is sounding dark, and Im sorry, I dont have a happy ending here. Im feeling alright (dont worry about me and sharp objects or anything.) Consider this a plea to the world at large. Or a prayer to whatever gods there may be, if you prefer.

We deserve better. You and me and all of our friends. We are the people who were supposed to be the future. The smart, artistic ones in school. The heirs to the world. We are being fucked. Stop it.

What am I gonna Do!?

What am I gonna do!?

Or, rather, what do I WANT to do?

Ive been thinking alot about what career I want to shoot for lately. A lot of the reason is Ive been absolutely hating work lately. I mean, its to the point where Im wearing all black and referring to myself as the Angel of Darkness. Not really, but I seriously I walk around pissed off all the time. It occurred to me the other day, that even though I realize this office is a particular environment, if Im not careful, Ill wake up in 20 years and discover Ive become the people I hate. Always sitting around, pissy, talking as if I really absolutely dont care what anyone else thinks. Im halfway there now.

Now, the plan has always been that I would go back to school and finish my english degree. Im good at english, if you will, and Im interested in how language can be used. But there is a lot of boring work that goes along with english. With anything, I suppose. And, not to insult my friends with english degrees (we are family), but majoring in english isnt exactly a career. Once I got my degree, what would I do with it? I honestly have no idea. My friend Sarah, who has a dual degree in History and Spanish, put it best:

"as someone with a liberal arts degree in history and spanish, i can tell you that i loved the research and writing, but without more school, the only career-esque thing i can do is speak spanish a lot. "

Also, the other day, I was thinking about how cool it would be to be an expert in something. "You need to know about 16th century pre-cambrian columns? Chris Duncan is the man for you!" I could get an english degree, and do rather well, if I applied myself, but I honestly dont think I would do better than your average student.

So, Ive been thinking about alternate paths for the first time in like, five years. Its so easy, when you arent actively doing anything, to decide "Thats what Im going to do, SOMEDAY."
At this point, what Im looking at and thinking about is a health studies degree. My career of choice would be a wellness counselor. Hmmm.

On a side note, I asked my friend Dr Rubin what she knew about being a sex therapist. Since she knows me so well, this was her response:

"Are you thinking of a therapist who works primary with couples and sexually-based issues? Or, the kind of thing that I see on tv about a sexual surrogate; that is; someone who actually has sex with people and calls it therapy?"

Nutcase goes all Angry Elf

Okay, so, a couple of random rants.

One of our systems goes offline for an hour, and I have to call the Help Desk to find out anything about it. IT has a conference, and we receive literally ten emails about it. Because, honestly, why would anyone in the university want any sort of update on the system we all need to do ANY work?

I just read a story about Kate Moss's new boyfriend, some asshat in a band, and how pictures were found (and published) of him administering heroin to a passed out teenager in his home. Someone in the article is quoted as saying "He should be in jail." I agree. No really. Why isnt he in jail? Have we reached the point where if someone is any sort of celebrity, no one has any just cause for searching them or something when they see pics of them committing any number of laws? I know that SOME celebrities must not count, because Boy George, George Michael, and any myriad of people are constantly "Back in trouble". We can tie up reasonably unassuming people for YEARS, but we cant do ANYTHING about Steve O, or the aforementioned douche, or anyone who is obviously using and constantly talking about it? WHAT THE FUCK? Where is the line drawn where probable cause comes into effect?

Furthermore, whats with all these people getting shit for putting stuff of myspace and facebook, if I can be photographed in a NATIONAL newspaper doing all SORTS of illegal things?
That one went a little long. I made my point early and just kept going. Sorry.

Does anyone else have the utter and absolute boredom with storms that I do? I mean, Ive been through a tornado, couple a times, and I know they are scary. But I have utterly no desire to get into the closet or to even change up my daily routine until at least a window breaks. To be honest, it comes from this feeling that no storm will hit a house Im in. I wont be obstinate and sit there through a tornado, but Im vaguely sure nothing will happen in that vein. Perhaps Im fearless. Or stupid.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, SIT THE HELL DOWN AND LEARN SOME SPELLING, PUNCTUATION, AND GRAMMAR. I know we ALL cut little corners, and dont use correct English skills all the time. I do it just as much as anybody. But it absolutely upsets me when someone doesn't use ANY sort of proper language. If someone sends me a bulletin again with something like "U wILl Dye 2 nite ef U donte reposte thiiS" I will stab them in the jaw. Christ, it looks like a bad accent! Are we just writing things phonetically now? Or are we NOT abandoning a centuries old system of letters and sounds used to communicate with people? You know WHY the cavemen started putting together a SYSTEM of their words and phrases? SO WE COULD FUCKING UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. Look for me on myspace, Ill be the one stabbing jaws.

Why, when people in my office use the coffee maker, do they drop coffee grounds on the hot plate and just leave them? I honestly never thought I would be the clean one in any group.

Alright, I guess Im done for the hour. I hate to sound whiny, or like Im totally screaming at the world, but thats how I feel, as an young man in his early twenties. We have so much anger building up inside of us. Anger at the world, and anger at the world for not changing for us. Fuck.

By the way, incase some of you are startled by my language usage in my blogs, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkity fuck shit.

Cock, balls. VAGINA!

Sorry. Im really not angry at all of yall. But thanks for listening anyhow.