The Tao of Moving Away

So, since Ive made a couple of "world" posts, Im going to tell you about me for a bit.

Nowadays, whether you can tell it or not, I go back and forth between two extremes.

One day, I feel such strong, forceful love. For my roommates, for my friends, for my girl, for my family. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by people that care, that take care of me, but dont let me get away with too much bullshit. I love my people for themselves, and for how they treat me. They make me feel like I am about to embark on a journey. An adventure. And I will make them proud.

The next day, I will be filled with a terror that creeps around the back of my mind like a tiger in the back of a circus cage. Every now and then, itll sneak forward, whispering "You're going to have to come back in a month". "Youll fail, and have nowhere to go". "They will forget why they thought you could do this."

On the days I get the love back, it seems to salve every heartache. But the way the fear creeps around.....it doesnt work well in reverse.

I am ok. I am firmly into believing at this point that this is what happens when you make a dramatic change to your life. Not a new job, or a new house. A whole new life.

The whole world feels like its drawing close around me, in a way. My circle of.....awareness is, anyway. I have talked to my Mom less and less lately. And a few of my friends. I really only talk to about three people as much as possible, lately. Its not because I will miss them anymore than you. Its because....I think Im scared to see everyone before I go. I think, deep down, I dont want to miss anybody. I want to make it as unnatural a change as possible, to make it so much easier to make a new life. I want to make a clean break, of sorts.

But of course thats impossible. You cant grow up someplace, literally and figuratively, and not be forever marked by it. You cant live the first quarter of your life making friends that will just disappear at the 25 mark. And trust me, no one I love will disappear, to me. I still think of you guys now, and all the good times we had. I guess all I ask is that you give me some time. When I leave, trust me, I will not be gone forever. No matter what happens, Texas is my birthplace, and I mean that in every figurative way I possibly can.

But here I am, saying goodbye already. Ive still got almost a month. Thats the hardest thing, I think. Its not a sudden goodby that we can all get over as quick as possible. Everytime I see one of you, I wonder how many times we have left. Before the big ol move. But I guess thats how I shouldve been looking at things all along. You never know when someone just wont be around anymore. In that way, I guess Im lucky. But Im lucky in lots of ways. Did I tell you I had a great girl, wonderful friends, and a tremendously happy life?

I do indeed.