Ouch.

As tough as it was to make the decision to go home, after living in Seattle only five and a half months, I felt better afterwards, having made it. I felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, as far as my depression went. I have no ill feelings towards my roommates, but I was ready to throw off the shackles of this cloudy city and the cloudy times I've had here, and, remembering the good things about Seattle, move back home and live out my life as happily as possible (if under the influence of psychological medication).

Then I went and read my old T-Dub email account, which includes a bunch of emails from the weeks prior to leaving Texas to come here. In one memorable one, my lovely male roomie says "I am so glad I'll have you up there with me." This about broke my heart.

Not because I am reconsidering. Not because I don't want to go. I guess Its because....

you have those times in your life when you look forward to things like moving in with roommates. In a new place where you will all be virgins to whatever you see and experience. And it feels like it will be playing house. Like, "Wow, we are grownups! Lets stay out all night, and eat ice cream, and drink beer for breakfast!" And it makes you glad to be grown up. You've suffered through high school, and growing up, and its time to cash in on all the things you wanted to do when you became an adult!

And then it hits you with full force that being an adult isnt what you had hoped. Its not the party we thought it would be when comparing it to trying to find places to park the car while making out so the cops dont bug you. Its not the easy thing you were dreaming of when your parents laid down the law and you thought you JUST....COULDNT...TAKE IT. Being an adult is the biggest letdown I think I've ever experienced. Its's like watching Gone With The Wind for four hours, then seeing Scarlett O'Hara just give up after a paltry happenstance.

I dont mean to sound so negative about it. I don't regret growing to be this age, or think that I have nothing to look forward to, or to treasure right NOW. I think my outcry here is merely a personal one.

I am making the choice I must, and want to. I think things will be better back home. I think I can work on being ok.

But this wasnt the way I had planned it. By a long shot. I guess I'm not grown up yet, because I always felt like adults would learn to deal with that kinda thing.