........Ew.

You know what sucks?

Say you're watching a porno. After a particularly hot solo girl scene is over, she looks at the camera seductively, and says, "Baby, I know what you want....."

Then, to your horror, she takes her teeth out.

Maybe it would be ok if it were the BEGINNING of the scene.....just as a warning.

Oh, how long can trusty Cadet Stimpy hold out? How can he possibly resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase his very existence? Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable desires?
(Announcer grabs Stimpy, forces him closer to the button.) Can he resist the temptation to push the button that, even now, beckons him even closer? Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate history? At the MERE...PUSH...of a SINGLE...BUTTON! The beeyootiful SHINY button! The jolly CANDY-LIKE button! Will he hold out, folks? CAN he hold out?

 

How I feel lately 

WHAT.....THE...FUCK!?!?

Okay, so yesterday morning, my bosses called me and everyone in the entire department to a meeting on our floor to discuss a "Wednesday Project" (cue Jaws theme). Turns out, they finally got tired of the file room being a huge mess, and decided to make ALL OF US clean it up, rather than the one person who was SUPPOSED to be doing it. (This one person is lazy as SHIT, and rolled into our 8:15 meeting at 8:45. Then, while the rest of us were working all day on this shit, she, yet again, didnt do anything to help. We (she and I) have had our problems before.)

This UTTERLY pissed me off for several reasons.

*It ain't my job, and as much as the head of our department would like to believe, the whole department is not EVERYONE's responsibility. I wish I had the balls to walk up and tell her to her face that she's full of shit.

*This is another example of how the boss downstairs is a horrible administrator and manager, yet she is quick to blame everyone else for the piss-poor state her projects are in. When someone asked who would take care of the file room after we sorted it, she replied "EVERYONE. Its everyone's responsibility, guys." Funny how its everyone's responsibility, and yet Ive been in the file room ZERO times since Ive worked here, and Im pretty sure no one but the she and this one lazy bitch have.

*People on our floor AND the seventh floor have tried to get this file room in order before. When we asked if we could put files in numerical, last-three-numbers-of-social-security-number order (the same order that all the file rooms on campus use), this manager said that it was "Too complicated." So, what isnt? No order at all? Because I can tell you, it would take several hundred years to find a file in there right now.

*Later on in the day, I found out that this whole project was put into action because we have some ho from Houston coming up to train on what this lazy bitch does (thats a lot of insults in one sentence!) They have known this lady was coming for upwards of 6 months, yet the FUCKING DAY BEFORE SHE GETS HERE, we are to organize the entire file room. Could we not have had the student assistants do this? I personally like my friend Beth's coomment. When I told her they were trying to make it as nice as possible, she said "Why dont we get rid of the moron who cant do the job?" FUCKERS!

So, I wont be around much today, as we are trying to finish up. As much as I love my job, and my boss up on my floor, this is the second run-in Ive had with the manager downstairs in about three weeks. I dont have much to look forward to in this respect, seeing as how my boss is going to have surgery soon, and we will all be under the control of, while not a madwoman, a terrible manager. Yet again, I wanna go to Seattle NOW. Or maybe just somewhere where Mary can hold me and pet my head and tell me everything will be alright. Blah.

Vacation is for Young Lovers

"Maria....I just met a girl named Maria....
and suddenly I see, She's not the bitch I thought she'd be......"
-Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

Well, I had a lovely vacation these past few days. I took off Friday and Monday with the knowledge that my good friend and Blog Buddy (check out her link) Mary was coming to town to visit Dallas, but mostly to see me. I picked her up bright and early on Friday morning, and immediately received a TERRIFIC hug. I promptly fell head over heels for her. She is exotic (being a catholic, and all), she is adorable (Bettie Paige bangs and a sexy sense of style), and my mother and her seemed to be best friends when they met. My favorite thing about her as this weekend went was that she was a great sport. Now, having lived here all my life, you might think I would know anything great to do, or how to get to the simplest of places. Youd be wrong. But Mary sat through my rambling, shuffling tour of North Texas with a smile and a kiss on the cheek for me. I even showed her to Catpants and E3, who liked her a lot, Im told.

Alas. Yesterday around 3:15, we both (literally crying) said goodbye on my driveway, as she drove away to her flight back to Orlando. I went straight into my room and didn't come out until 9, fearing that I might burst into tears if I thought of anything we had done this weekend (Im still a bit tender, but Ill be alright). She, apparently, had her own troubles on the flight home (Im told a small Indian women offered her candy and a hanky).

So, with Seattle coming and her finishing school in the fall (a business degree, which she will later use to get into law school), I think I can be comfortable being completely in love with someone far away. I know Im in for a world of hurt (Ive been here before), but I think we agreed that if our love is strong enough, things will work out. So Im just gonna not go outta my way to meet girls, and hope for the best. Oh, and pine away relentlessly.

So, did I miss anything?

Quick Note

Its come up a few times in the past few days on the blogs of a few of my friends, and I just wanted you guys to know:

As much as you hot chicks celebrate your bosoms, I celebrate your bosoms even MORE.

Thank you.

Catching Up

Time: 7:55AM
Reading: Make Love!* *The Bruce Campbell Way
Mood: Complex
Number of Times I Wished I Was Not At Work At 6:45 This Morning: 57894637+91916781

Ok, so a few things that went down this week.

MATER-IAL PROBLEMS
First of all, I was more than a bit annoyed with my dear Mother this week. Whenever I leave in the mornings, I lock the doorknob on the front door, leaving the rest of the locks open for my easy passage in the evening. Monday, I got home, watched E3 and Catpants drive away, and realized Mom had gone back and locked not only every lock in the house, but turned the deadbolts as well. (She left by garage door.) So, instead of doing whatever it is I do when I get home, I sat outside in a lawnchair and read for an hour and a half (luckily, an order from Barnes and Noble came in that same day). I know it may seem very relaxing, but shit, it was hot, and I wanted to maybe get out of the most uncomfortable clothes in the world BEFORE I sat in the dead-insect-encrusted lawnchairs. When Mom FINALLY got home, she was all apologies, giving me a candy bar, and trying to take care of me. I told her it was fine.

She promptly did it again the next day.

READ, YOUNG AMERICANS
The books I received bring me to another point. Have you experienced your children's fiction renaissance yet? I have. There are a few TERRIFIC things about reading young adult fiction at this point in my life.

*They are cheap. I ordered what totals out to 10 books (a box set of the My Teacher Is An Alien series included), and the grand total came to about $35.
*They take you places. Drama is fun, psychological horror is even funner, but when's the last time you read a story about a boy hatching a dragon on his farm? Or a rip roarin' Choose Your Own Adventure novel set in the Seventies cold war?
*They put things in Perspective. My favorite pre-teen book has always been There's A Boy In The Girl's Bathroom, by Holes author Louis Sachar. Its a delightful and poignant tale about a young boy who nobody likes, least of all himself. This was one of the books that Mom picked out for me, and I remember now that it is the first book I finished all on my own, for my own pleasure (Mom did START reading it to me, but I finished it on a summer trip to my grandparents house). Reading this book again, I realize how very lonely and sad I was as a child. I had an alright childhood (well, more like an "Eh, Alright" childhood), but I have ALWAYS been the tempermental and brooding laugh riot that you know now. Looking back on everything, I remember how this book cheered me up and told me that I was not a complete loss. That there are people out there who can help, people who care, and most of all, that I was actually a pretty cool kid. Who couldn't use that nowadays?

And that seems to be the draw for these books. They helped me through a lot. If I got through that, any problems I have now will also be looked back on in 15 years or so as being....not silly, but long over, at least.

My New Favorite Website

www.landoverbaptist.org

My brothers and sisters...Isnt it high time we as Christians witnessed to the masses? Isnt it time we stopped taking the sins of other people sitting down? Are people REALLY preapred to live their lives without us showing them the right way? GOD'S Way?

We are in the END TIMES, here, brothers and sisters! Its time we all stood up and said, "Yes! Im a Christian! I believe in the one TRUE GOD! My beliefs are respectable! Actually, the only ones that are! Get thee behind me, Satan and his followers!"

I DID TOO, but from an ex-girlfriend. Worse? Better? 

Actual Good Times

So, this weekend was very stressful, going into it at least. I've always been one to like a fluid social life, with the ability to pick up and do something crazy if the oppurtunity arises. Because of this, I get a sort of trepidation when I have an ASSLOAD of plans like I had this weekend.

*Friday: Mom threw a lovely dinner party for my godmother (in town from "Indy"). Catpants and E3 came, and a good time was had by all (even the kittens under my shed, who seemed to think it was Play Day or something in the backyard). Mom made a lovely dinner, an AMAZING dessert, and FORCED me to go get $100 worth of wine with her money. We looked at pics of Seattle, and talked of my embarassing moments. (Fun.)

The only downer of the evening was when a GINORMOUS spider decided to let itself be known in my living room. E3 pointed it out to me, and I rushed to get it in a papertowel and out the door, and both he and I commanded the womenfolk to LOOK AWAY, for Im sure if they HAD seen the size and shape of this spider, they would have gone insane with fear and yuckiness. I did. (Later on, Mom said she was amazed at how fast I ran to get it. I said, "Hey, gotta protect the womenfolk." To which Mom replied, "Since when?")

*Saturday was far more relaxed, as nothing actually took place at my house. E3, Catpants, Captain Moody, and me, and about 15 other people went to see the Producers at Fair Park. Good show, one of my favorites (although this is the first time I had seen it), and the actors mostly were ok. I mean, Im not one to point out the mistakes of others (at least not professionals), but I was expecting PERFECTION. I guess it IS the road show. Terrific nonetheless.

After the show, it was off on a terrifying drive to garland to see two highschool buddies, one of which I had not seen in like two or three years. Two beautiful girls, only one of whom was married, and unlike msot of the other encounters with women Ive been seeming to have, I had sex with no one. (Whoda thunk Id be even mentioning that.) But it was a WONDERFUL time.

Actual quote:
"That film is not so grandiose, eh?"
"TRULY!"

I love my nerdy friends. At one point we did a round robin and everyone told of the movie script idea they had. Good times.

*Sunday: Although I had ONE glass of wine to drink on Saturday night, I had a hangover Sunday. I looked like shit, and that's all there is to it.

So, good weekend. YAY! Happiness always comes in at some point, at least for those charmed ones such as I.

Giving Our Fellow Actors Their Due

http://www.onionavclub.com/feature/index.php?issue=4124

In this article in the onion, Billy West (voice of Fry on Futurama, Stimpy on Ren and Stimpy, and about a thousand other things) lays the smack down about non-voice actors getting paid MILLIONS for acting in animated films. I must admit, he makes a good point.

I will be the first to say I watch a film like Toy Story, and stay to see who played the different characters. I get tickled when a character is voiced by one of my favorite actors, like Kevin Spacey, or somebody like that. But let's think about this for a second: The voice actors who JUST do voices make maybe thousands of dollars per part. Unless they are fortunate enough to get a steady gig (like West), they are considered day players. On the other side, you've got Cameron Diaz as the highest paid voice in history, making $20 million for Shrek 2.

Imagine if you had a community theatre audition for your absolute FAVORITE SHOW OF ALL TIME. You meticulously pick out a song, practice practice practice, and try to get as much adlib and reading practice in as possible. You familiarize yourself with the characters, trying to get inside the tone of the show, and the place where the people involved are. You work and work, up until audition night, when the guy before you happens to be Freddie Prinze, Jr. The part goes to him immediately (even though he doesn't know how to act or sing), and you are asked to then COACH HIM on how he should do the part. How would YOU feel?

I dont mean to browbeat this point into you, but I think its something we really don't think about. Like I said, Im the first in line for a Pixar movie, and not only because of the story.

I love apathy in my women. 

I just don't know. 

MAJORLY PISSED

Okay, I have to vent.

So, about 10:30 this morning, my receptionist comes to my door with the cleaning lady.

R:"Hey Chris? When were you going to lunch?"
C:"I dont know."
...pause...
R:"Cause she wants to clean your office."
...pause...
R:"Do you not have any idea?"
C:"Can you give me five minutes to check a couple things? It is only 10:30, and Im kinda working here."

So, at 11, we go downstairs to an office party (raping). I eat in my friend Beth's office, and then we go down for a smoke break. So, about 12:20, when I get back, Ive been gone an hour and 15 minutes. The cleaning lady walks in, starts unpacking her stuff, and proceeds to give me a look, like "Are you gonna just SIT THERE!?"

The receptionist walks in, and says "Oops! I told her you were gone!"

Few thoughts.

*First of all, "Yeah, I was gone FOR A FUCKING HOUR AND A HALF. Funny that its WHEN I GET BACK that you tell her to get to work."

*You'd like to clean my office? How about I'd like to be able to sit and work and BE in my own GD office!

*They can't come clean my office in any of the 23 hours I'm NOT in my office!?!

*The cleaning lady is well liked around here, and I guess it IS a crap job, but how about this: DONT EVER COME INTO MY OFFICE AGAIN WITHOUT A BJ WAITING! I am SICK of people coming into my office and DEMANDING things. BLOW ME, ALL OF YOU EFFS.

And I tell you what, it doesn't help that in the first five SECONDS of me being able to GET BACK INTO my own FUCKING office, that the DUMBASS receptionist sends me a call that any MORON who has WALKED PAST a college can answer. Good thing she's here to FILTER some of the HUNDREDS of calls we get.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

I think Im ok now.

It's BATMAN DAY! (in my personal office, at least) 

Guys, remember when Katie Holmes was kinda hot, in that girl next door way? Before she started dating Prince Personality-Altering-Drugs? 

Johnathan Crane, aka "The Scarecrow", aka "That Guy From 28 Days Later" 

The Reign of Shitty Batman Movies Has Ended

Well, faithful Bat-fans, today Batman Begins opens to what are ALREADY raving reviews. I have heard fellow comic fans like myself go on and on about good this film is, and how it captures the TRUE spirit of Batman. (Actually, the last time I heard fans make such a fuss was when Spider-man was released; not a bad sign) All the things Ive worried about with this film (Alfred being too loving, not English enough; Katie Holmes sucking, and not in a good way; the plot being too muddled and contrived) have already been pretty much dashed by fellow fans. HUZZAH!

TODAY IS THE DAY, FRIENDS! 

"Slim Goodbody: Creeping out children and parents alike since 1975" 

It would appear that I have a deathwish..... 

"As disgusting as it was, Lego Guy realized early he had a set of hands made for one thing, and one thing only: Pleasuring rich men." 

Conversations Worth Writing Down

Frecklehead : btw, ken and ariel aren't exactly subtle this morning. LOL
Nutcase : I saw
Nutcase : EWW
Nutcase : Not the ass, what he wanted to DO with it
Frecklehead : it was just such a shock when the page came up with that big ASS on it
Frecklehead: oh i know
Frecklehead : i don't get that obssession, but whatever.
Nutcase: Shouldnt an ass just be attractive to be attractive? I mean the way ENORMOUS breasts are attractive
Nutcase : you dont really do anything DIFFERENT with em, its just nice
Frecklehead : i agree!
Nutcase : I did identify with his earlier posts this week though
Frecklehead : the Denise Austin ones?
Nutcase : sure
Nutcase : although fitness women have always made me too nervous to be REALLY attractive
Frecklehead : why, because they could kick your ass?
Nutcase : hmmm.....maybe because at some point they would realize Im a slob and ask me to DO something......like.....run a mile
Nutcase : perhaps I have an unnatural fear of my gym coaches

A step into Serious-ness

Okay, look here, kids. Now, there are only a few things that get me absolutely STEAMING mad. One of those things is these fucking MORON pitbull farmers who seem to lose their first borns every fucking WEEK. I am SICK of these fuckers.

The story that incited this rant was about a mother in San Francisco who found her 12 year old boy mauled in her bedroom, "covered in blood."

In the story, she was saying that she was "So worried" about two of the dogs mating that when she went out to run errands she put her son in the FUCKING BASEMENT.

"I put him down there, with a shovel on the door," Faibish told the San Francisco Chronicle. "And I told him: `Stay down there until I come back.' Typical Nicky, he wouldn't listen to me."

This makes me want to scratch my FUCKING EYES OUT. She then, of course, goes on to do the thing that all "shocked" pitbull owners do when they lose a fucking infant: Defend the dogs.

"My kids got along great with (the dogs)," she told the newspaper. "We were never seeing any kind of violent tendencies."

Now, I have known several of these pitbull owners in my day. And each of them say the same thing ("No, SERIOUSLY, they would never hurt a fly!") GROW UP, you fucks. We live in a terrible enough world, where nothing is sacred, without you feeding your small children to large, ravenous, junkyard-mean dogs.

I warn you people, Im not feeling very understanding about this.

Power!........UNLIMITED POWER!!!...........

So, last night, I had my first "CRAZY TRIP OF SUMMER". At approximately 10:00, I rounded Mom up and we went to a 10:30 showing of Star Wars: Episode III. We have done several things like that before (going to see TWO movies on sunday night, etc) It's always fun, and its great when Mom is there to really make it feel like an adventure. Seriously, it WAS really fun.

The movie, I thought, was terrific. I mean, I know they to wrap a lot up, but to me, jumping from little scene to little scene made the 2 and a half hours go by quicker. It was cool. Few things, though.

*When the Chancellor and Anakin meet at the theatre, and discuss the Dark Side for the first time, what are they, at a screensaver show? It looks like they have Banner on (set to MTFBWY!), and people keep uproariously applauding.

*Chewbacca seems kinda cut, compared to the first movies. (Perhaps Kashyyk doesnt have a 24 Fitness.)

*Great hoardes of wookies remind me of Harry and The Hendersons. I was terrified of both.

*Speaking of which, did it seem that since the Anakin/Sith storyline was being followed mostly, things like the Kashyyk battle, the General Grievous storyline, and a couple other things were just kinda "in there"? AND WHAT THE HELL IS THE DEAL WITH GENERAL GRIEVOUS ANYWAY!?!

But like I said, good times.

Catpants, imagine how I feel. 

Big News, Horrible Days, and Why I Should Be a Writer

So.

This past week.......no doubt, and I can get Catpants to back me up if anybody doubts it.......worst week of my life. No joke. Nothing but staying up nights, worrying about who I am and who I will become, sitting at work, not able to work, terrified. HORRIFIED. Im not going into any detail here, but lets say that people in my position this weekend have considered suicide. I didnt, fortunately. Suffice it to say, I'm through the other end of it, pretty much. Yay, me. I'll try not to have a stroke.

Well, onto bigger and brighter things.

So, for those of you who don't know (and most of you do), this time next year I'll be shuffling off this Texas Heat and moving with Catpants and the lovely E3 to BEAUTIFUL Seattle. Its a big step, but I think itll be a HUGE oppurtunity, and one that will be a grand adventure, because I can share it with two of my wonderful friends. So bring on the gifts!

Nerds Have the Best Jokes 

What's next? Primus at the old folks home?

My NEW FAVORITE BLOG: http://www.kenandariel.com/

So, I have spent the past few days fasting and sitting in front of the computer, listening to the ribald and rocking sounds of Offspring. Catpants and I got into a big discussion about this band yesterday when she heard me singing quietly ("You can do it!") and doing my little dance (if you haven't experienced my little dance, ask for a viewing the next time you see me). Catpants and I both cut our teeth (so to speak) on Keep Em Separated, and have always been HUGE fans. She happened to ask if I knew what kind of people went to Offspring shows. I had actually just looked at a photo album on their website (www.offspring.com) and told her it looked like a few college students, a few high school students, and a few junior high schoolers with their whole families.

What the heck is with the last one? When did the Offspring become Raffi? Granted, I think its cool when a family shares its music, especially if its good. But listening to a hard rock combo makes you feel like maybe you COULD be cool at some point. This is like finding out the guy you really had a crush on was Wayne Newton. (Who, by the way, I was told I resemble the other day by the ever stately half-crazed woman in the gas station. She claimed I reminded her of the early days of Wayne, when he was on the Lucy show. Wasn't that Tennessee Ernie Ford? Do I look like him? How long can a parenthetical phrase be? Better wrap up.)

Anyhow, my point is, I guess we are getting older. But where does this end? Paris Hilton on the cover of Modern Maturity? Natalie Portman kinda looking weird, like Kathleen Turner does now? Johnny Knoxville buying a ranch in Montana, and doing a Redbook interview titled "No Longer A Jackass"?

I dont wanna grow up.