Ouch.

As tough as it was to make the decision to go home, after living in Seattle only five and a half months, I felt better afterwards, having made it. I felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, as far as my depression went. I have no ill feelings towards my roommates, but I was ready to throw off the shackles of this cloudy city and the cloudy times I've had here, and, remembering the good things about Seattle, move back home and live out my life as happily as possible (if under the influence of psychological medication).

Then I went and read my old T-Dub email account, which includes a bunch of emails from the weeks prior to leaving Texas to come here. In one memorable one, my lovely male roomie says "I am so glad I'll have you up there with me." This about broke my heart.

Not because I am reconsidering. Not because I don't want to go. I guess Its because....

you have those times in your life when you look forward to things like moving in with roommates. In a new place where you will all be virgins to whatever you see and experience. And it feels like it will be playing house. Like, "Wow, we are grownups! Lets stay out all night, and eat ice cream, and drink beer for breakfast!" And it makes you glad to be grown up. You've suffered through high school, and growing up, and its time to cash in on all the things you wanted to do when you became an adult!

And then it hits you with full force that being an adult isnt what you had hoped. Its not the party we thought it would be when comparing it to trying to find places to park the car while making out so the cops dont bug you. Its not the easy thing you were dreaming of when your parents laid down the law and you thought you JUST....COULDNT...TAKE IT. Being an adult is the biggest letdown I think I've ever experienced. Its's like watching Gone With The Wind for four hours, then seeing Scarlett O'Hara just give up after a paltry happenstance.

I dont mean to sound so negative about it. I don't regret growing to be this age, or think that I have nothing to look forward to, or to treasure right NOW. I think my outcry here is merely a personal one.

I am making the choice I must, and want to. I think things will be better back home. I think I can work on being ok.

But this wasnt the way I had planned it. By a long shot. I guess I'm not grown up yet, because I always felt like adults would learn to deal with that kinda thing.

A random, pointless trip through my mind

Why is it the minute I say "I shall move" does my room become a disaster area? Is it a bizarre form of nesting?

Why can't I sleep properly?

Should I cut my hair?

Should I get new glasses?

Has anyone else realized how comfortable a bathing suit can be worn instead of underwear when laundry runs low? Its...warm! And my boys feel well-protected.

Since I've just turned twenty-five, I can officially call any crisis I go through this year a "Quarter-Life" crisis. Instead, Ive begun to think of my twenties as "My Crisis Decade".

(I was going to use the word "crises" in a plural fashion above, but was afraid people unfamiliar with the pronunciation would just think I spelled it wrong. Does this make me paranoid?)

In my eyes, the worst thing to hear out of anyone's mouth, at any time, is "Listen to this free verse poetry I've just written." The only thing to exacerbate the pure hell of this statement is the use of the term "freestyle".

What is the proper response when a parent says "I saw your mypace page today"? (Answer: If its my Dad, "Ok." If its my Mom, "I dont HAVE a myspace page.")

Over Christmas, I had a couple of drinks with my Dad and his partner (my stepmom, of sorts). The interesting part of this was I felt like Dad and I were drinking on the same level, the level that says "Booze makes any party worth having."

As much as I am enjoying distancing myself from the horrible dark depression that overtook me before Christmas, and everything that went with it, I still feel in the mood to get really drunk soon. (I say that, knowing that my depression is not over, or anything, but moreso that some of the symptoms of it, like trying to be drunk all of the time, are over.)

For a couple of days this year, just a couple, so far, I had the glorious feeling of having nothing on my bed but me and blankets. Tonight, various objects (my iPod cord, my tv remote, a tootsie pop) have somehow moved back into their places on the left side, limiting my right to spreading out fully. Perhaps I was meant to sleep as if I were sleeping next to someone.

If you haven't heard The Cousins (you haven't), check out their myspace page (www.myspace.com/cousinsthe). Listen to "Behind the Glass". Marvel that this is the guy from Rocketman and the keyboardist from my favorite band.

My Weekly Schedule

Monday-Wednesday:

6:00, 6:15, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00: Wake up, hit snooze, contemplate suicide, fall back asleep.
7:15 or so: Wake up, take shower.
8:00: Arrive at work, check email. Delete thousands of Monster.com emails offering jobs in DFW. Brew pot of coffee, which will most likely be exclusively drunk by me.
8:15: Check myspace. Respond, read blogs.
8:30-9:15: Work.
9:30: Go downstairs to smoke. Discuss new occupational annoyances with Smoking Buddy Beth.
9:45-12: Work.
Noon: Lunch. Smoke, dont eat. Much healthier.
1-5: Phone it in. Feel swell of nervous happiness at the fact that I am moving to Seattle soon.
5:30-11:00: Hang out with roomies, watch tv, miss Victoria terribly. If she should happen to call, light up like Christmas tree of some sort.
11:15: Wish I was in a show, so that I could drink all the time with good reason. Fall asleep remembering that I should have called a bunch of people back.

Thursday-Friday:

8-5: Work. Phone it in as much as possible, but with the week ending, work comes easier. Be happy and excited about weekend. If possible, work an orientation to get out of the office. Drink insane amounts of coffee.
5-11: Thank God its the end of the week. Hang out with roomies. Be excited about coming weekend plans with Victoria.
11:15: Fall asleep to soothing sounds of own thoughts.

Saturday:

11-noon or so: Wake up. Shower. Think about possible plans for the day that most likely wont be done.
Noon-Indeterminate: Watch tv, play video games, generally relax.
Indeterminate-Indeterminate: Go hang out with Victoria. Feel happier than ever. Be barked at by 1 or 2 dogs. Occasionally get kisses from big dog in strange and uncomfortable places.
Late: Realize I took wrong turn on way home, and am now in Nebraska. Get home, fall asleep.

Sunday:

1-2: Wake up. Maybe shower, maybe not. Feel sad about moving Seattle. Reevaluate life.
2-3: Wonder when I grew up. Feel disappointed.
3:15: Wonder if I should quit smoking.
3:20: Smoke.
3:30-11: Emotions even out. Happy that I have the day off to recuperate. Watch tv. Watch roommates packing. Realize I have about 5% of the stuff I had last year, so packing enough to get a box going would involve taking off whatever I was wearing. Watch Venture Brothers. Feel happy to be alive with such great friends.
11:15: Have sudden spurt of fear at the fact that I have what amounts to about three outfits. Plan clothes for Monday in my head, and read/play video games til I fall asleep.

Intermittently throughout the week:

*Hang out with friends apart from the roomies and Victoria.
*Phone parents in an effort to try to make an effort at our relationship. Feel guilt.
*Have a beer or two. Wish I could afford more. Worry that I may be get kicked out of the Irish because I dont drink as much as I normally want to.
*Ramble longwindedly in blog. Write very emotional things that matter little to anyone.
*Try to play new song on guitar, only to give up and play same shit.

The Tao of Moving Away

So, since Ive made a couple of "world" posts, Im going to tell you about me for a bit.

Nowadays, whether you can tell it or not, I go back and forth between two extremes.

One day, I feel such strong, forceful love. For my roommates, for my friends, for my girl, for my family. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by people that care, that take care of me, but dont let me get away with too much bullshit. I love my people for themselves, and for how they treat me. They make me feel like I am about to embark on a journey. An adventure. And I will make them proud.

The next day, I will be filled with a terror that creeps around the back of my mind like a tiger in the back of a circus cage. Every now and then, itll sneak forward, whispering "You're going to have to come back in a month". "Youll fail, and have nowhere to go". "They will forget why they thought you could do this."

On the days I get the love back, it seems to salve every heartache. But the way the fear creeps around.....it doesnt work well in reverse.

I am ok. I am firmly into believing at this point that this is what happens when you make a dramatic change to your life. Not a new job, or a new house. A whole new life.

The whole world feels like its drawing close around me, in a way. My circle of.....awareness is, anyway. I have talked to my Mom less and less lately. And a few of my friends. I really only talk to about three people as much as possible, lately. Its not because I will miss them anymore than you. Its because....I think Im scared to see everyone before I go. I think, deep down, I dont want to miss anybody. I want to make it as unnatural a change as possible, to make it so much easier to make a new life. I want to make a clean break, of sorts.

But of course thats impossible. You cant grow up someplace, literally and figuratively, and not be forever marked by it. You cant live the first quarter of your life making friends that will just disappear at the 25 mark. And trust me, no one I love will disappear, to me. I still think of you guys now, and all the good times we had. I guess all I ask is that you give me some time. When I leave, trust me, I will not be gone forever. No matter what happens, Texas is my birthplace, and I mean that in every figurative way I possibly can.

But here I am, saying goodbye already. Ive still got almost a month. Thats the hardest thing, I think. Its not a sudden goodby that we can all get over as quick as possible. Everytime I see one of you, I wonder how many times we have left. Before the big ol move. But I guess thats how I shouldve been looking at things all along. You never know when someone just wont be around anymore. In that way, I guess Im lucky. But Im lucky in lots of ways. Did I tell you I had a great girl, wonderful friends, and a tremendously happy life?

I do indeed.

Another Woeful Outcry

I wont lie and deny that one of my biggest dreams is being financially comfortable. If given the choice, I would be rich enough to be able to send all my kids to college, to have a nice house, to be able to get a new car every once in awhile. But one of the bigger wishes that people sometimes overlook is being successful enough, important enough, and knowledgeable enough to make a difference.

A friend and I were complaining to each other today that our respective offices were sometimes run shabbily. Its not necessarily anyone's fault; it's more like we have ideas that could make the place run smoother, more efficiently, just overall better.

For instance, I got a request today to resend a couple of applications to the library sciences department that I sent over 6 months ago. Now, I dont mind doing it, and it doesnt take a whole lot of time out of my already not-busy work schedule. All I do is go into the imaging system, print out what I did, and send it on through intercampus mail. But, if the department learned how to use the imaging system that everyone has access to, but only we (student records) use, they could just print out these graduate applications packets. What COULD take 5 minutes instead takes two days.

Now, the people I work with are not stupid people. (Well, not all of them.) They probably have realized that these little problems, and a few ginormous ones, could be solved with a little bit of planning, and perhaps some policy changes. But they have been convinced that this is how things are, for better or worse.

It seems often that a lot of the wrong things are paid attention to, here. The head of my department, for one, chooses to try and make things better by instituting more and more rules to try and make us more professional. I guess her opinion is that if we are professional, things will just fall into place. (One of this person's major points at a recent department-wide meeting was dress code. I understand the point, but dont we have bigger problems? If you've read my blog before, you probably know my argument AGAINST being more and more professional, anyways.)

Now, just to drive in the point, here are a few problems that my office has, from my eyes.

*Lack of attendance- Today, for instance, two people are out, one person left at noon, and one person got here at 10:30. This is very normal.
*Lack of responsibility- I had a complaint today, that a bunch of files were ready to be worked, but COULDNT be worked, because important parts of the file were not scanned. I had persnally been waiting with these files in my inbox for about a month. When my boss went down to the scanning supervisor to let her know the problem, the supervisor maintained that she thought they HAD been scanned, and that something was wrong with the system. My only problem with this is that I know the lady in charge of scanning has been here about 18% of the time lately, and her supervisor is notorious for blaming everything but her own people for mistakes. "If you couldnt find the file in the system, instead of complaining about how we scanned it, why didnt you come down here and do it yourself?" I hate to sound petty, but its not my job to be Inspector Fuckin Clouseau and spend the majority of my day trying to get someone else's job done.
*Lack of Campus-wide education- There is a HUGE occurrence here of every department getting transferred calls that don't apply to whatever they do. WE get calls for Academic Advising, Academic Advising gets calls for the Registrar, the Registrar gets calls for Housing. What's everyone's answer to this? "Yeah, I hate that."

You know what, that's my major complaint about the entire thing. Why is it that when everyone sees a problem, they kind of grin and bear it? These things can be solved! Its very simple to say "Hey, you know how you did this, you should do this instead, and it would save everyone time and frustration." Everytime something gets done wrong, it seems like we want to assign blame quickly, and get it off of our respective desks, rather than try to avoid it again. And you know who suffers? The students. Us. Everyone involved.

Now, I really absolutely am not absolving myself from any of these thigns. As Ive said before, Im not a quality worker. A lot of my excuse is that Im just doing what seems to be protocol, but its working harder than that that makes a person great.

This has turned into a big TWU complaint, but I think my original point is still here. Can you imagine going into work at someplace where the everyday peon can make a suggestion that is listened to wholeheartedly? Where, even though a policy is set, someone can feel comfortable suggesting a new one?

Author's Note: I find, more and more, that my writing is sort of idealist. We deserve to wish for the best, though, dont we? I think so. I havent yet given up on shouting at the world: "Shake things up! We can make this place great!"

A Letter To A Love

Dear Joan Cusack,

I regret to inform you that you have been replaced as one of my top five people I will marry one day. Its an amicable split, and I wish you well in all your future endeavours.
You should definitely be proud; the list of the people I graduated high school planning to marry is a pretty short one. Jeaneane Garafaolo is still holding her spot, even though the last couple times Ive seen her, she has been playing a drug addict of some sort, and not looking as nice as she usually does. Debbie Gibson still holds her spot as well. As long as she can sing "Lost In Your Eyes", I will love her. Pretty much the same for Tiffany ("If shes got no last name, by god I can give her mine.")

Understand, I dont want you to assume that this is because of any aging you may have done since I graduated. In my eyes, you always have been and always will be the cute, plucky but anxious girl in the neck brace from Sixteen Candles. (Not to say that I always envision you with a neck brace, but surely, after all these years, you can "pick up what Im laying down.")
The question is more one of availability. Ive waited and waited for some sort of sign, in my heart or in the world around me, that we were one step closer to married bliss. I feel that, with your marriage to another, and the motherhood that stems from it, we are instead drifting apart. Plus, I havent seen you in anything since, like, School of Rock. Are you out there? Thinking of me? Probably not.

I cannot stress enough that there are no hard feelings. I still admire you as an actress and a general personality. I further would never want to queer the deal between my friend Victoria, and your equally talented brother John. That's a match made in heaven, and I would hate to think it may be weird at their wedding or the holidays thereafter. Would I want to spend Thanksgiving sitting across the turkey from someone who thought I disliked them? Certainly not.

So, to make a long letter short, I bid you farewell, and hope that you realize all you have meant to me.

Cheers!

PS: Please remit the ring I have given you, as Sarah Silverman will be wanting it posthaste, Im sure.

Update

*WARNING! After a break of a week or so without coffee, Im a bit wired today. Some of what I say may not make any sense.

So, I have officially begun MY Seattle job search.

Compared to my roomies, I feel both fortunate and unfortunate. I feel fortunate that I have no post high school education to really speak of, and am a generalist, therefore I dont have to worry about putting together a FANTASTIC resume or applying for jobs that really suit me. I mean, I put together my resume, and I think its nice, and Im applying for jobs that I think I might really adapt to well, with some sort of future. I just know that basically any job I apply for or get will most likely be entry level positions.

I feel unfortunate, though, for those same reasons. It makes finding a job very touch and go. Im sure a lot of my readers may have realized- when you apply for entry level, thats when you really have to weed through the thousands of telemarketing jobs, the "We want energetic people who want to make money!" jobs, the jobs where you sell paintings out of the back of a van (mostly to me at gas stations. "Hey man, you like art?" says the guy who looks vaguely like Ralph Macchio.)

Anyhow, the search has begun, and I can only hope to be as successful as I was last time.

In other news.....

Work has been pretty boring lately. I have my little moments of "IM BUSY", but for the most part, it feels like a giant waste of time. Can anyone imagine not being dependant on the almighty paycheck? What if we could spend our last few weeks here spending time with friends, spending time with Texas, spending time soaking up the last we will get of everything for a while that isnt absolutely new?

I know what my dreams are. Having a family, a wife or partner or whatever who understands who I am and loves me, children who Im proud of, and being able to take care of them, if not above and beyond what my parents did, at least being able to make them feel comfortable. Pretty simple, really. But you know...being disgustingly rich.....thats something to sit right down and consider sometimes.

On a completely random note, Im looking through playlists here on Rhapsody. When will effing Blind Melon stop being listed!? THEY HAD ONE SONG, and Im telling you, straight from my heart, IT WAS OLD WHEN IT CAME OUT. GAH.

All that being said, how is everyone?

Just when you thought things were cooling down...

Current mood: disappointed

Ya know, I thought that the absolute, blank-minded patriotism in this country was easing off. I felt there for a second that people were starting to come out of this shell of blindly supporting their country and government, supporting the war just because we were in it, and supporting the President because he was President during a national tragedy. (Im dumbing things down here a bit, so just go with me for a sec) I thought people might begin to THINK, maybe not up to the standard I really want, but up to a standard of some intelligent beings. Then I saw this today:

http://www.msnbc.com/modules/interactive.aspx?type=ss&launch=13011093,4999736&pg=10

This is a webpage MSNBC put up, where you can go and vote on the Most American Place in America.

I know Im being overly sensitive. I know its just a cute little thing to do, post Memorial Day, to feel good, to bring up feelings of a Norman Rockwell-type Americana. We can give ourselves a big-ol' pat on the back for being born in a place where we are fortunate enough to have ancestors who died for us. But the language, and a few other things disturb me about this.

The Most AMERICAN Place? Dudes, its all in America. The reason Im being anal about this is people have been, for far too long, fiercely defensive of their patriotism and their love for the country. Ive heard someone say, recently, "These Mexicans? They aint American. I was BORN here. I got more right to lay claim to American rights."

In a time when people are debating how American some people (races, cultures, sexual orientations) are, I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable debating how American some PLACES are. What if Dallas were up there, and we got a really low vote? Would people read this, and have an instant dislike for Dallas? Perhaps Texas?

If you said "Chris, ya moron, no one has those kinds of feelings right off the bat, from looking at a simple poll on MSNBC", then you obviously have no idea how stupid people are.

And you know another reason Im sensitive about this language and how this thing was put together? Because I have a feeling that the marketers and designers thought the same things I do. I think this was worded and designed in such a fashion to appeal to the blind faith that people have for this country nowadays. It feels very lowest common denominator to me.

Why do I feel this way? One of the places up for Most American Place is the French Quarter in New Orleans. Do you think it would be there if they hadnt just survived Hurricane Katrina? Before Katrina, when someone, with a dreamy look in their eye, said "Im going on the road to see me some America", was the first thing you thought of the FRENCH Quarter? Wasnt for me. What speaks America to you? French Quarter. World Trade Center. Oklahoma Federal Building?

Again, Im probably being overly sensitive. But you know what, that's my duty as an American. As a citizen, I have to (should, anyway) get up everyday and think about where my country is going, how my people are feeling and behaving, and the way we are being represented to the world, and to ourselves.

And, furthermore, I know this shit happens every damned day. People see a store run by a Pakistani, but feel more comfortable going in because of an American Flag sticker in the window. People still shell out the dough for those yellow ribbon stickers (which I also feel are kind of intimidating), and tell me you havent thought ONCE "I wonder if they got that just so they werent the only ones without one."

Now, Ive rambled on and on, here, but my point is this: I think, deep down, in a way no one is talking about much, some people are feeling like they aren't American enough. Or Patriotic enough. Or proud to be an American, each and every day. Its these people I feel for, and worry about. I dont know if you've noticed, but I tend to root for the underdog.

People who dont know if their opinions are heard, who dont feel represented, in government or other ways, who dont feel good enough. These are the people we have to worry about. Because, cynical or no, we cant just have life be about the strong. The weak (or the meek, if you prefer) are people, too. I hear some of them are even Americans.