Your Daily Challenge

THREE quotes to indentify today.

1:
"Rand Peltzer, Fantastic ideas for a Fantastic World, I make the illogical logical."

2:
"One, two, three, four, five new ones. NOW can I have one?"
"I don't know, Pete."
"Hey, look! That one's got a cute little stripe on its head. Hey, cutie."

3:
"Who is that, honey?"
"It's, uh, my mother."
"I thought she was dead!"
"Yeah, I know, it's really weird!"

Bonus points if you can tell me the connection all three of these have. (No one will get this.)

Your Daily Challenge

Identify this quote:

Karen Holmes: I never knew it could be like this! Nobody ever kissed me the way you do.
1st Sgt. Milton Warden: Nobody?
Karen Holmes: No, nobody.
1st Sgt. Milton Warden: Not even one? Out of all the men you've been kissed by?
Karen Holmes: [giggling] Now that'd take some figuring. How many men do you think there've been?
1st Sgt. Milton Warden: I wouldn't know. Can't you give me a rough estimate?
Karen Holmes: Not without an adding machine. Do you have the adding machine with you?
1st Sgt. Milton Warden: I forgot to bring it.

And, since no one will get that one, try THIS:

Candy: I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August is like a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can. Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA, but my goal is to become a veterinarian, 'cause I love children.

ALMOST FRIDAY!

I have TOTALLY worn mismatched socks ALL WEEK, and no one's noticed. OH!

Which brings me to a complaint. I feel very highschool, and like a bad son and a sexist saying this, but Mom hasn't done laundry in like WEEKS. (I know, I know, I can do it myself. But when I do that, Mom gets pissed because I just do my stuff without checking if she has anything. Im like, ok, when did I become the Mom? DO MY LAUNDRY.) (Again, I know its sexist and lazy. I would argue but you women are ZZzzzzzzzzz............)

So, its almost Friday. Its strange how a day can seem SO long, but the weeks really streak by if you dont pay attention. It makes me wonder if tomorrow I will wake up and be 50. Hmmm.

More to come...

BEST PS EVER 

You ever take a look at your food?

If they can't find a suitable sponge to crouch under, the clawed masters of disguise have been known to use bits of rope and even old flip-flops.


Man. Some things we eat, things I LOVE to eat, are downright creepy in there natural environment. The crab above carries a sponge on its back to avoid predators. Except for what looks like to me a creepy gremlin face, it kinda reminds me of the mushroom guys from Mario. Ew.

Your challenge for the day

Identify where this quote comes from.

"He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

Seriously, gotta watch this again soon.

To Infinity And Beyond!

YEEEEEEHAWWWWWWW

NASA Space Shuttle Discovery lifted off this morning at 10:39 AM ET. WOOHOO! Finally, we can get our space program back on track.

You know, I feel like NASA has been getting a bum rap, of late. Everyone takes a look at the Columbia disaster, and thinks that NASA is a bunch of slack jawed yokels who can't possibly make a pitcher of Tang. ITS NASA, people. Think of how many NON-accident-prone flights they have had. I stand behind NASA 100,000%. If I could, I would knock my own grandmother (god rest her soul) down to be the first in line for a flight to the moon, to space, to the stratosphere, or to the corner store.

And you know, this brings to mind the people who are against the space program. (Right now, if you google "Anti-Nasa", you get roughly 10 full pages of websites that actually ARE Anti-NASA.) These people see NASA as a waste of money (TAXPAYER money, I'm sure they would emphasize), time, and resources. (I dont want to editorialize overly, but I wonder what these same people would view the War in Iraq as. A waste? Or something that we MUST do? Hmmm.) It reminds me that Space is, as I've heard a couple times, the FINAL FRONTIER. If we as a race (the HUMAN race, that is) want to expand, to evolve, to grow, Space should be our FIRST priority. (Are the people against the space program descendants of the flat earthers? Hmmm.) Think of how far we have come as a race. Consider the idea of a Geo-centric society. How far have we come since then? Think of how far we could have come if we devoted MORE time to space, and learning, and exploration, and LESS time to wars with underdeveloped countries.

Anyhow, I dont mean to preach to you, really, no matter what your politics or personal feelings are. But the old, oft-used adage is very pertinent, and very true. "What if Columbus had decided not to come back to the New World?"

I can think of a dozen other things to say and points to make, but I am going to spend the rest of the non-work day on the NASA website, sending good karma to our friends rocketing their way to the ISS.

"From now on, we live in a world where man has walked on the moon. And it's not a miracle... we just decided to go. "
-Jim Lovell
Apollo 13

My Mary

I can't stand it for another day

When you live so many miles away.

Nothing here is gonna make me stay,

(You) took me over, let me find a way.

I sold my houseI sold my motor, too.

All I want is to be Next To You.

I'd rob a bankMaybe steal a plane.

You took me over,Think I'm goin' insane.

What can I do,All I want is to be next to you.

What can I do,All I want is to be next to you.

I've had a thousand girls or maybe more,

But I've never felt like this before.

But I just don't know what's come over me,

You took me over, take a look at me.

What can I do,All I want is to be next to you.

What can I do,All I want is to be next to you.

All I want is to be next to you,All I want is to be next to you,All I want is to be next to you.

So many times I used to give a sign

Got this feeling, gonna lose my mind.

When all it is is just a love affair.

You took me over baby, take me there.

What can I doAll I want is to be next to you

What can I doAll I want is to be next to you

What can I doAll I want is to be next to you

What can I doAll I want is to be next to you.

After FOUR FULL DAYS, my anger at society returns

So, last night, before the second episode of the Simpsons, a warning message appeared. Now, if you watch all the Fox animated shows on Sunday nights, you know that these warnings are not uncommon. Before Family Guy and American Dad, a warning ALWAYS appears, just saying "Viewer Discretion is Advised." But before the Simpsons, THIS warning appeared:

WARNING!

This episode contains discussion of Same Sex Marriage.

Parental and Viewer Discretion is Advised.

So is that where we are? Same Sex Marriage is not only frowned upon and illegal, but its also looked at the same way as hardcore violence and sexual scenes? Keep this in mind. When was the last time you saw one of these warnings before an episode of CSI? I know its happened before, but it usually only happens when something STRONG happens in a particular episode. I mean, ok, say what you will about same sex marriage. (I'll try not to absolutely PREACH at you.) But right or wrong, is it so JARRING to today's youth that they may be shoved into a life of crime by the mere MENTION of it? Are the conservative parents of America (who, Im sure, not many of which watch the Simpsons and Family Guy) thinking that their young son or daughter will be watching the Simpsons, and then say quietly, "Daddy, Mommy, should I be gay? I think I just caught it!" AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Okay, I preached a little.

Also.

This headline today: New Jersey looks to add your car to long list of places where it's illegal to smoke

No, I dont live in New Jersey. Yes, I am a smoker, and therefore pretty damn biased as far as the whole NO SMOKING IN PUBLIC thing goes. But CHRIST. You know, I dont like to be insensitive. People have asthma. People REALLY dont like cigarette smoke. But when walking through a restaurant with a smoking section, how many of you have doubled over coughing? I truly dont mind being put in the bar. I dont mind being put in the back, behind the kitchen, in a dumpster. But to take away the smoking section, and possibly in my OWN DAMN CAR.....What kinda pussies are we talking about?

I think back to an experience I had a few months ago. Its was Mother's Day, or Mom's birthday, or some damn thing, and we were enojoying a pleasant lunch at the local On the Border (where we get 50% off!) and we sat in the smoking section. Now, at On The Border, they have a large glass panel separating the non smoking section from the pariahs. Mom and I lit up, and were having a somewhat relaxed conversation about whoever I was dating at the time. I looked to my right, and some old HAG 20 (TWENTY) feet away is making faces at us and waving in front of her nose. I literally said to Mom, "what, is she freakin' WOLVERINE!?" Because the people directly on the other side of the partition were smiling, laughing, even tossing a grin and a wink my way. I dont accost people in public, so of course, like a civilized person, I smoked and tried to look like I was enjoying myself (keep in mind, this was a Mom day). But I seriously wanted to walk by the ugly old TROLLOP's table and fall into a seizure because of the steam coming off her fajitas.

Buncha PUSSIES in this country. And here I sit, a reviled Ultra-Liberal, calling the staunch conservatives "fairies".

Anyhow, aside from all that, Im doing pretty good today. It feels weird when your long-distance girlfriend goes out of town. She's no closer or farther away than she WAS, but it still feels like she's gone because she's working on a different schedule than Im used to. I cant WAIT until Labor Day. Seriously. Im miserable. But its exciting that I miss her, you know? Yay, young love.:)

Doesn't that look like Ewan on the left? It's not. 

You heard it here folks

This new band, Ringside, is good. REALLY good. Like, MELTED CHEESE good. If you have any chance of seeing them, hearing them, or, uh, spelling them, DO SO IMMEDIATELY.

She said she didn’t get the job again
How am I supposed to make rent
And where the hell is my boyfriend when I need him
I just shook my head - I’ve never seen him
She says goodnight
But I heard her through the walls crying
There’s nothing I can do for the girl
‘Cos it’s always raining nextdoor
9 a.m. she comes ‘round my house
Saying last night did you have to play so loud
I mean I like your songs - well at least a few
But to be quite honest I’m tired of listening to you
You got no good reason to ever be down
You got sunshine in your windows
And your friends around
And me – I’ve just got the rain
She says goodnight
But I heard her through the walls crying
There’s nothing I can do for the girl
‘Cos it’s always raining nextdoor
Then she says, I’m expecting a call
It’s gonna be my man
So, I don’t wanna miss this one
I think he’s coming home soon
Then she says goodbye
But I heard her through the walls crying
There’s nothing I could’ve done for the girl
‘Cos it’s always raining

. 

Weekly World Wacko

If you have NO OTHER REASON to read the Weekly World News (and you don't), read it for quote's like this, in a story about a teen's head exploding at a loud rock concert.

"It was completely gross," said Tiffany Bonner, 16, Gerry's girlfriend. "The music was really loud during 'In the Dark Hole' and Gerry looked a little scary. Then during the next song his head suddenly exploded." She added, "And don't say I'm, like, his 'former' girlfriend because even though Jerry's skull fell all apart and he's dead, I'll love him forever. I saved a piece of his -- what did they call it? cranieminem? Something?"

Lookout, Woodward and Bernstein.

The Phenomena of Telling Annoying Stories To Express Annoyance

So, I'm sitting in my office this morning, when my friend NUTBAG walks in. She had gotten here at 8:30, and seeing as how Ive been here since 6, I was a bit perturbed to see her coming in here to waste my time.

N: Hey, I had this weird dream.
Me: Ok....
N:...
M:....
N:...
M:....ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT IT?
N: Well, I went to orlando, and you were there.
M:....
N:....
M:....Thats it?
N: Well, there was other stuff, but its not that interesting.
M: (my mind reeling at the irony of this statement, I turn back to my work)
N: Hey, this file isnt working.
M: Oh, yeah, Im supposed to call Trevor about that, I just havent cause, you know, lazy.
N: want me to call him?
M: SUre! Thanks! (handing her the packet)
N: Who'm I supposed to call?
M: Trevor.
N: You mean Ted?
M: No I mean Trevor.
N:Who's Trevor?
M: The asshole you are supposed to call.
N:Why? Cant I call Ted?
M: CALL WHOEVER THE HELL YOU WANT! Can you do it in YOUR office though?

Anything wrong with this picture? 

STORIES OF JUVENILE DELINQENCY

Well, first thing this morning, I walked in to Ronnie's office to pay my dollar for wearing jeans, with a button hidden in my pocket. It was hidden in my pocket, because it was a button that we are supposed to wear for friday, after we have turned in our money. The idea is that we should turn them in that afternoon (Ronnie has FREAKED about people not turning them in before. FREAKED.)

My plan was to pay my dollar (where ronnie could see me do it), then quietly slip out and put on my own ill-gotten button. As I lay my dollar in the tray, she says, "Are there any buttons in there?" I look, and say no. "Check under the dollar bills." And sure enough, there was one. Ronnie watched me like a hawk as I took the button, put it on, and walked away. So now I have TWO ill-gotten buttons that I will forget to turn in this afternoon.

My second STORY OF JUVENILE DELINQENCY is a pretty simple one. While sitting at my desk, I was asked by our receptionist (famous for asking/telling me to do things when she actually technically works for me) to take empty boxes downstairs to the lady who, I don't know, eats empty boxes or something. When I asked where this was, she gave me some crackhead's description of an office on the first floor that may or may not only be reached by those of Pure Heart and by answering a series of riddles. I had no idea what she was talking about, so when I went downstairs, I basically put the boxes (like ten, in all) in the lobby, next to the wall, and literally ran away.

STICK IT TO DA MAN!

!!!

I don't know how many of you have long first names out there, but Christopher is longer than most blanks on forms. So say you're taking the TAAS Test, or the SAT, then instead of Christopher Blahblah, it just says Christoph Blahblah. Today, as I was on amazon, I was making a wishlist, and signed in (as an registered member, I dont have to reenter all my addy info.) I went to one page, and the headline was

CHRIST! You only have 60 more minutes to buy The Devil's Own with Brad Pitt!

I said, "JESUS! I'd better get on that."

Amazon and Headlines!

Have you guys heard of the Amazon 10th Anniversary "Special Deliveries"? Its where, in celebration of the tenth anniversary...Say you order a copy of The Big Lebowski (which you should), then Jeff Bridges hand delivers it. Its very cool, I think, and the videos are pretty neat. Check it out.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/browse/-/14104251/002-1691509-6040843

PS! The video with the delivery by Lemony Snicket author Daniel Handler is HIGH-LARIOUS. E3 and I agree has none of the "Artist" attitude that most stuffy authors (JK ROWLING-LUCAS, anybody?)


Also, check this out if you like horrible banana recipes.
http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2005/bananas/index.html

Alright, today is a good headline day.

Airliners may get missile defenses. Your future travel: $59 one way plus $350 security surcharge. Thank you for fly Air Paranoia

Pope Benedict XVI criticizes the Harry Potter books for being "subtle seductions" for young Christians who may be unwittingly swayed to buff their broomstick, beat their bludger or diddle with their Dumbledore (PS, as I was saying to e3 this morning...its funny how everyone rushes to our new pope's defense when I say he was a registered nazi. I mean, he may not have killed the jews, but he's already burning books.)

South Korea using "silence" to influence North Korea, which may escalate to not inviting North Korea to birthday parties

Aside from many dogs missing, orange fur stuck in fences and a guy asking if anyone has seen his lost tiger, sheriff determines that "there's no facts or evidence to support that there is a loose tiger"

Roman Polanski will set a legal precedent when he appears in court for a slander case via live video. He can't appear in person because he still faces charges for a 1970's child sex charge

Arab Assassin raps about 9/11 and committing terrorism then wonders why he's being fired as a baggage screener at a Houston Airport

Man stops by church daily for a few chugs of holy water. Excommunication ensues

Two teenagers drive their truck into beehive colonies "to see what would happen." Hospitalization ensues

Woman miraculously grows penis, gains ability to pump gas, change tires, listen to reason

Boy, 14, faces criminal charges after joy ride in school bus; wishes he pressed R1, R1, circle, R2, up, down, up, down, up, down

California scientists worry about infestation of Asian Beetles, but other local insects secretly happy they're improving average test scores

Mariah Carey blames 9/11 for the failure of "Glitter"

And, finally:

Father, thinking his three-year-old son might be "a sissy," beats him to death in attempt to teach him to fight

Keep in mind: These headlines are true.

ITS A BIG FUCKIN HOLE IN YOUR HEAD.

www.trepan.com

Haven't been freaked out enough lately? Try watching the strange intro video on here, the home site of ITAG (International Trepanation Advocacy Group). The strange music makes it feel very much like a cult video. And then they march out the volunteers with FUCKIN HOLES in their HEADS. I cant stress that enough. ITS A FUCKIN HOLE, DRILLED INTO YOUR FUCKIN HEAD. I can't even step on bugs without a wave of disgust.

(Although, ironically, I can sit in a chair and have ink shoved under my epidermis, literally leaving scars and trauma.)

Being weird

Since my email at work is down, this has become my only means of communicating with the outside world. Here are a few emails I didnt get back to.

Mary: Yes. No. I miss you terribly. Steak.

Catpants: About 7 times. Leather. Mexican.

E3: That's a spicy meat-a-ball!

Babs: In the year 1600. Istanbul was Constantinople. Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

Lestat: The Cars, and Ric Ocasek especially.

Redhead: I never liked basketball anyway.

That is all.

The Nuge, my newfound interest 

"I'm privy to some firepower dynamics that your average civilian is not and we would just wipe the (expletives) out. And then we'd probably sauté them and use them for bait and kill some bear over their carcasses." - Ted Nugent, on what he would do if a War Of The Worlds situation occurred.

As much as I dont agree with some of his politics, you can't argue that he'd be fun to have at a barbecue. Nuff said.

Oh, and in his bio, it says "born in Detroit 12-13-48, middle finger first". Hmmm.

If you liked www.feedlindsay.com, you'll LOVE....

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/blog/fetusblog/blogger.html

Fetus Spears' Blog!

WOOHOO

This is what I did this weekend. Not see a Stray Cats show, but went and got this cat (with a lot of blue flames) tattooed on my left shoulder. E3 came, and watched me writhe in pain. Now Im rocking the healing-train, moisturinzing, washing, watching it get dry and tight, hoping i dont screw up how cool it looks. SWEET!

Pics to come.

WHERE's YOUR GOD NOW!?!

.

**walks in, puts down soapbox, stands atop it**

I know this may seem a bit dated, as it hasn't happened in a few days. But here's my request.

DON'T.....DON'T.....REPEAT: DO NOT quote bible verses or scripture locations on a blog to win an argument. Not YOURS, not SOMEONE ELSE'S, NOT NOBODY'S. If you would like to win an argument by quoting a bible verse, I would advise you to please kill yourself immediately.

Quoting a two thousand year old book is not intelligent, nor is it faith-y. If there is a god (which I believe there is), he no doubt hates being dragged into the petty arguments of morons. If you MUST invoke the Big Man, please do it in your church, temple, or Grammy Awards Stage.

Indeed, if your argument is a bible verse, I can pretty much guarantee I disagree with you. You know why? Because you are WRONG.

I know these statements are harsh, and seem to come from an angry heart. Trust me, Im fine. it just burns me up when people take the word of our risen JESUS and use it to win a schoolgirl catfight.

Now get outta my sight.

**steps down, picks up soapbox, goes back to watching porn**

One of the buildings that makes up The Veranda, the B&B Where we will be staying in Orlando! 

So many fabulous and far away places to see

Ok, I just dropped a load of cash on a ticket to orlando! Huzzah! Labor Day weekend is CHRIS AND MARY TIME!

I feel so excited, about seeing Mary, sure (yawn), but mostly about flying all by my lonesome with ME taking care of reservations and such all on my own for the first time EVER! (WHAT A SENTENCE!)

I was telling Catpants, Im a little nervous about a couple things.

*This will be the first time Ive ever flown alone, and also the first time Ive flown at all in 7 years or so.

*I have a layover going both ways in Atlanta. Catpants tells me this is a big deal, as Atlanta's Airport is built on an Indian burial ground (or something).

*There is always the random worry of putting money down on anything.

But, all in all, Im PANTS-SHITTING excited to see my love and psychic link Mary. I miss her so. Even though we are making this work, and it has been wonderful, I hate not being near her. Oh well. Itll get better.;)

Also, Mary says we can get a hotel on the beach! SCORE! IM THE MAN! YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWW!

Know what IM in the mood for....?